speak into silence

https://youtu.be/TWcyIpul8OE

(listen while reading)

take me back to those connective days 

the peaceful old way

when your heart met your hands as they typed

your brain would stop

your hands would start

following the yearning of your heart

take me back to the old days

the days when you would listen

with the innermost ears of your soul

to the days when you knew who, 

who "I" was

and no one got in the way of your writings

not even you

stop and listen

for silence is wiser than sound

and speaks louder than words

it connects not to you

but to your soul

the only part of you who knows

who you truly are

quite, love

tune in, love

into the music

of your being

find 

find the true meaning

of 

who

you

are

compose the world 

that so softly sits at your delicate little feet

hear it

its waiting for you

waiting to be written

waiting to be told in the bedtime stories of your children

waiting to flicker in their innocent glistening eyes

waiting to flood the caverns of their naive minds

hear it

its waiting for you

so do it, dear

strike the chords of your mind 

create a melody with such harmony

that the world cannot forget 

the eloquent arrangement of 

what makes you sing

do it, love

the world will not forget

you will not forget

what makes music fill the room with ringing

and envelopes those 

willing to sing too

take your fragile mind 

to a place beyond words

feel it within the bosom of your breath

exhale the air

....and fill the cavity of your body with its essence

in the silence find them

you do

you have answers

but

you have to feel them

or your body will never just wander

onto the perfect path

yet,

they don't speak to you

you haven't found the music in the sentence

the step behind the dance

the flow of the meaning

behind 

your being

don't get discouraged, dear

this is what you were born to do

open up your beating heart

your heart 

and hear

it has so much to say

stop and listen

for silence is wiser than sound

and speaks louder than words

it connects not to you

but to your soul

the only part of you who knows

who you truly are

so quite, love

listen to the 

familiar sounds

when you tapped in but never out

silence, dear

it is coming 

just wait  

if you just close your eyes and listen

to the power of who you are

listen, love

feel your beat heart

it communicates

to the essence of your soul

remember, love,

listen and 

never forget

you are magnificent.

Confessions of a failure missionary

I've been thinking about today, October 1st, for about a month now. It's been a day that I've thought about countless times, trying to figure out what I've wanted to feel when this day rolled around once again. And I have decided to just lay it ALL out on the table. Now, internet reader, if you feel uncomfortable reading into someone's very fragile life and feelings- now is your time to stop wasting your time on my page. May I suggest that you go back to Facebook and continue your search for hilarious cat pictures or maybe try out youtube videos, those are quite entertaining as well. :)

Ah, now, for those of you who are still reading, I hope to share this in a way that can be learned from and (hopefully) beneficial to you and myself. Im going to be super brave and be as real as I can get. I don't really believe that sugar coating will help in this circumstance.

Today is October 1st. This is the day that I came home from serving an LDS mission 365 days ago! It's truly hard to believe that so much time has passed.... I can't help but think back on the day as a sad, scary and confusing time in my life. You see, I left my mission for "medical reasons". I still had a year left of my mission that I was "supposed to" still serve. This put me in the category of missionaries who are "honorably released". But to tell you the truth, I didn't feel very honorable. I felt very much like I was dis-honarble. To be perfectly honest, I actually felt like a complete failure. I was "supposed to" serve 365 more days. I was. And everyone knew it. I was a medical mess, a medical mystery and medically I could not get "fixed", which meant that my destiny was that I could not return to my mission. I felt like a failure.  I found myself embarrassed to even say that I served at all, knowing that I "came up short", or that I would have to explain WHY I didn't "finish"... and lets all be real, if its not a valuable "excuse" or reason, people in this culture tend to think down on you. Shame on you, shame on everyone. But, seriously. I never thought that I would be one of "those" missionaries.... You see, in all honesty, the missionaries that come home after the full 2 years or 1 1/2 years... they get treated like royalty. I frequently see videos, pictures, parties, homecoming talks, etc. of these people. Everyone is so happy for them, including myself, and they seem to be beaming with the spirit and with enthusiasm for coming home. Its wonderful to see, and I am so glad that they are deemed so highly for what they have done!

However, the missionaries who return home early, we get, well, a very different experience. We come home and stay off our computers, stay inside to stray away from questions, we don't have a homecoming party, talk, or video. We just quietly come home one day and try to adjust to the things going on around us, and in my case, within us.

NOW, let me make one thing clear, It's not the parties, or the talk, or the video that I really really wanted- however that would've been so fun- It was that I wanted someone, or most people to accept, like they do for "full time missionaries", what I DID do, as apposed to what I DIDNT do (those 365 days). I frequently hear of missionaries coming home and everyone asking them to share their awesome mission stories, and people laughing and being inspired by what they did. For me, the only questions I got were, "Why are you home?" "Are you okay?" "Are you feeling any better?" and my personal favorite "When are you going back out?". NOW let me just say that I was glad that people were concerned, that they were genuinely concerned, however, it seemed that my mission- though "only six months" was too short a time to get any of the positive attention that others received.

I came to believe that since everyone around me only addressed my health, and that my mission was scooted aside, that those six months I spent as a missionary weren't important. Since it was never a topic of conversation, I figured it would be okay if I just didn't mention it, or if I did, I wouldn't mention that I came home early. I found myself having a hard time thinking that anyone from my own mission would even remember I was ever there, and truly believed that my mission parents thought down on me... I had convinced myself that just needed to move on from that little "mission spell" I had. I have hundreds of pictures from my mission, pictures I love and cherish, and I still haven't loaded them up to Facebook or anywhere public. Why? Well, society told me that what I did "didn't count". So I stopped counting it too...

Fast forward, to now. I am married. To a returned missionary- he served "full time". He is married. To a returned missionary- who served "not full time".

And let me tell you what I have learned in 365 days... "Full time" , "Honorably released" and other terms that LDS members have coined and use to describe missionaries put us in false categories.

My husband and I frequently talk about our missions and we share many of the same spiritual experiences from our missions, we have equally as many "cool stories" to share with one another, and although I "only" served for six months- that for those six months- I was serving "full time"!! That is all I did, 24/7. I don't think it gets more "full time" than that.

These terms that were used SO MUCH when I first got home, were extremely hard for me, because I felt that I could not be both. I truly felt that I could not claim to have served "full time" and be "honorably released" all at the same time. It was a hard time for me.

Now, as I reflect on what has happened in the last 365 days, I have decided what I want to feel today, on October 1st, exactly 365 days from returning home.  I have taken some observations as to how I have had to approach my life since all this has taken place. They are simple, yet they are quite profound to me all at the same time. I share them with you, hoping that through all these emotions that something may help you. That these things I have been learning will not only be selfishly for me, but for you as well, that God can effect more than just one person through these times for me.

One: God knows what he is doing, everything happens for a reason.

Two: It's not about what others think or even say, do what you feel is true, righteous and correct.

Three: Life continues to teach, shape and mold you into what you need to be, missionary name tag or not.

Four: You can be proud for what you have accomplished, however "small" it may seem, it is still deemed an accomplishment. 

Five: Sometimes you need time: to heal, for thoughts to deepen and for understanding to flourish. 

I don't claim to know everyones experience with this certain subject. All I know is from what I have experienced, and I know that I have grown tremendously throughout this year.  I think that God has allowed me to feel the way I have felt to strengthen me, to allow me to remember my own beliefs, to help me remember his hand in all things. To realize that what is best for me, may not be what is best for the person sitting next to me and vice versa.  I think that I have experienced these feelings for others around me, as I know I am not the only one with these or similar feelings- whether it's about this topic or others.  I think that however difficult it has been at times to accept my early arrival home, and all that I DIDNT get to do, that it has been equally humbling. I have been MORE grateful for the time that I DID get to serve, for those that I DID get to teach, and for those that I DID get to effect for the better.

In 365 days, my opinion has changed dramatically as to how I treat my mission experience. And although at one time I believed I was a failure, I can happily say that it was not a waste of my time or energy to spend six months serving the lord.

I confess to feeling like a failure, but I also confess to rising higher, and learning from this experience. I don't have to hide them. If I embrace them, and move forward, the world is at my feet again.

Eight Months: My Medical Journey to Relief

Today I want to address my life just a little. Now, please, understand that I have been trying to get up the courage to do this for about 5 months. I am scared and unsure about most of what is going on with me. I have been riding an emotional roller coaster for longer than I ever wanted to, and I am certainly ready to get off soon. ( I was ready to get off a while ago honestly) Today I talk about what is wrong with me. That is kind of a hard statement to make. And for any of you that have had to say it as well, I know how you feel.  Of course I can’t really control it, but I still have to come to terms with the fact that there is something wrong with me.  Something that hasn’t been able to be detected in any about of blood work, nerve testing, urine sample, MRI, or cat scan.  I am still searching for answers. I am still searching for a cause. I am still searching for relief.

I have stabbing pains that run throughout my entire body every day. Sometimes they come for long about of times when I can hardly move. I stay in my bed those days. My body so weak and fatigued, wishing I could just melt into the sheets and never move again. Some days they flutter through my body and randomly visit me at work, while I drive as I shop at the store. It’s a sensation that is a dull underlying ache that pulsates in my joins, muscles, or bones- just annoying and painful enough to make me notice it, but not enough to stop my everyday life. I look healthy and normal to everyone around me, but inside is a different story.  On days when it’s a bit more serious I experience a pain - or a sensation that I can only describe as “someone stabbing me”. Sharp, sudden pain that pinpoints an area and floods its surroundings with waves of tingles and throbbings. When those happen- my reflexes take over, and my arms and legs kick and flail as the reflex of those certain sharp painful moment. It looks ridiculous.

They come into my hands as I am typing. They attack my back muscles and give me terrible back aches. My neck is almost always tight and stiff. Sleeping is another story- let’s just say it’s hard some nights. I lose interest in food and feel nauseous frequently.  I can hardly exercise due to the repercussions. For days on end I will be regretting that I physically exerted myself. I feel weak and frail and fragile. Something I have never really felt before in my life. Doctors and I have tried a lot of things. A lot of pills, a lot of remedies, but not a whole lot seems to touch it. That is honestly very sad. And on some days when the pain is really bad, I get discouraged. I cry a lot. I sleep a lot. I feel lazy a lot. I get upset that I can’t do what I once could. I tell people I am fine cause I am tired of saying I am not, and getting the look from them that I am helpless(I know that is not what it is, just feels like it sometimes)... It’s frustrating, I mean, I look perfect on paper, every test has come back beautifully, and I am the poster child for the perfect image of health… Only problem is that I am not.

I never expected to be “this” person. I was, and have always been a very physical and energetic person. I try to keep that up and stay positive, but truth is it is really hard some days.

Just about now I feel that I need to say. I am not asking for pity, I don’t want it. I am not asking for everyone to treat me differently, I don’t want that either. I am actually still quite happy and feel very blessed for the things that I have. My family and friends have been so supportive. I have had wonderful doctors. I am still able to function as a normal human being most days. I know that God still loves me and that he is VERY aware of the struggles I face every day. My fiancé has carried me and held me as I cry out of frustration, pain or anger as I try to make it through some days. I really am so happy and grateful for the things that I have.  I am simply just bringing to light the everyday struggle that I face. I am writing it - one for me, that I can face my fears, and finally own this terrible thing I go through, and two, I am writing it to say that if you are facing something similar, maybe not physically like myself, but If you are struggling everyday with something overwhelming at times, that you are not alone. Other people understand. I understand. Our Savior understands.

You see, I first got sick when I was our serving a mission.  Let me tell you, I was humbled. I was really humbled; I prayed and prayed and prayed that I could get better, that I could work harder, that I could share more joy with those that needed it, something that I had, if I could only get out of bed…My faith could move those mountains... But then when I realized that I wasn’t getting better, that it wasn’t God’s plan for me to stay out there teaching and sharing his message, my heart broke. I cried and cried the night we decided I had to come home to get better. But you know what? As soon as I got home, as soon as I stepped on the plane to leave, my heart and mind were filled with peace, the most reassuring peace I had ever felt. One that I KNEW could not have come from me. And as I felt that peace I knew that it was all going to be okay.

Through this whole thing- through all the medications, tears, sleepless nights… through all the anger frustration, humility, joy, pain and emotional goop- I have come to realize one thing in my life that maybe I had forgotten...

That there is a PLAN for every single one of us. That there will never be anything too difficult to get through. That my Savior- Jesus Christ- knows ME, that he felt the way I FEEL, on the days when I’m at my worst, and he did that because HE LOVES ME. I may not know why all of this is happening the way that it is. I may never find out what this is. But I am learning that through these hardships and incredible feats, that I am stronger every day because of it, that I am being shaped into who I need to be for my Savior. I am learning of the love and service others offer me and give me freely. I feel my Saviors love through them and realize just how blessed I am to have them in my life.

These last Eight months have been a struggle, they really really have. But I wouldn’t take them back. I have grown and learned and relied more on what is truly important during this time in my life. I know that I would not have grown so much without this amazingly challenging trial.

It’s all for my good, it's really a blessing I am receiving, and again, if you happen to be struggling, know that it is for your good as well. I know that that is true, if you look for all that is going right in your life, even if it feels like it’s falling apart, you will find that you are blessed beyond belief. You will love it, and it will change your whole perspective. That is where I am finding the healing. It is not being offered by some medical pill, not by some magic tea, but through and ONLY THROUGH my faith in Christ. He heals my aching soul.

And we all need healing.

“I never said it would be easy, I just said it would be worth it”

Icicles

The ice gleamed a soft pink color as the sun's last tired rays ventured into the caverns of the mountains. Melted and refrozen snowflakes speared off the roof of my house, perfectly framed by the window.

There I sat.

Watching the most beautiful display that the heavens offer freely every. single. evening.

The remarkable soft clouds silently slid across the sky and just for a moment.

The world was absolutely clear.

I wonder what the sun does as it shines on me.

Is there some spectacular display every evening?

Do the hues from the sky brush my checks and help other people feel?

Feel that same remarkable and breathtaking crystal clear peace heaven has to offer?

I am not aware of what it does to me, what I truly reflect.

But I am aware of the reflecting thoughts in caverns of my mind. 

The thousands of collective thoughts that were once spearing and cold

Have melted and allowed me to see. More.

Allow me to see the grand picture that is my life. 

Perfectly framed inside this thing we call a "body".

Perfectly capturing the essence of my soul.

As I watched the sun slowly tuck itself in behind the mountains it retires to every evening. 

I was at peace in all decisions and roads I have traveled on. 

The serenity of pink icicles held in its frozen bubbles the key to 

A peaceful me.

Although I miss certain frozen, captured moments of my history, 

I remember, those magnificent sculptures of me are not going anywhere. 

Safe and sound pink, orange and yellow hues reflecting in my mind.

Time to create new masterpieces.

Time to move forward.

Time to create more icicles.

Icicles of things that radiate and exemplify the beauty offered by the simple setting of a sun.

And the setting of the sun is

Something that happens everyday.

Today is the perfect day to start the rest of my life.

I am at peace on the roads I am headed down.

Allow the sun to set and the ice to melt, 

I am ready for the new day.

(Funny what a little frozen water can do when you stop to think)

Bloom

Honestly,

The time seems to seamlessly flow between the days like the little streams in the mountains here.

I love the cool autumn breeze brushing my face in the chilled October nights. 

I look back to where I have come from,

Where I planted my feet and bloomed this past year. 

I have been from sea to shining sea, and back again. 

And now I am home again nestled in between my mountain sounds and cozy by the fire in my birds nest.

I close my eyes and imagine all the things I thought would happen. 

All the flowers that I thought would be plucked.

I smile, as now I sit back and ponder, reflect, remember the beauty of the endless floral fields that I have actually had the great fortune to dance through.

All the colors and varieties of flowers that have grown beneath my feet.

Not plucking a stem, never stop the growth. Enjoy the beauty, but allow to better. Growing, beautiful.

Honestly,

The time is really just a number that allows me to reference when the seeds started to sprout.

"It does not matter the quantity, but more the quality" 

And I have had the most quality year to date. 

I feel beauty of life surround me, the richness and abundance of blessings.

I feel the sand between my toes and hear the soft mountain breeze whisper to remind me who I was made to be. 

One with you. 

One with me. 

One happy human.

One person on her way to who she needs to be.

My blonde memories tangled in salt and nostalgia warm my shoulders once again and that familiar feeling of home rings from the brilliant colors of the sun drenched clouds.

 I am where I need to be.

Honestly,

The time is not ticking against me, nor do I wear the watch.  It all continues on and the sundials master knows where to put my feet when to allow more fields to bloom. More dancing to be done. I am not sorry for what has happened. As my time really should just be his. It should melt and morph and become who I need to be. It all happens for a reason.  

I have been led my the hand and carried when its been hard. But I am here. 

And I will continue to go where the flower fields call my name.

So many more things to learn.

So many more things to nurture. 

So many more blooms to be made, and more love and memories to be had.

My soul smiles as I know that this time, is truly but a small minute.

All is well.

Honestly.

.the luckiest.

it was just like any other day, but i turned into the luckiest.

never imagined all this to last,

for the grip you hold is tight my dear

from the moment that you asked.

.i am the luckiest.

I wonder what you think when you lay your head down at night

my thoughts fly to you 

and smile in the moments of sweet reminisce 

my dear, your soul simply radiates light

.i am the luckiest. 

"ill be here waiting for your sweet and faithful return"

as you tucked it safe away

and you faithfully did

you wrote to never raise concern

and

i became the luckiest

if i could write the words that my soul truly knows

 i just simply cannot

for its too much to contain 

And a mere poem or song is all i can compose

you my darling boy turned me into 

the luckiest.

.i am the      luckiest.

and it is true my darling

my sweetheart

my love

you

 have taken

and claim the right to keep

my lucky little heart.

.i am the luckiest.

.forever and always.

.i love you.

Praises

There is a green hill far away
Without a city wall
Where the dear lord was crucified.

He died to save us all.

I wonder what I would have done,
If I had been there that day,
My Lord, my Savior, the Son...
Would I even be able to find words to say?
As he carried the cross that day.

I wonder what I would have said,
As the crowd would scream and mock
"Crucify the jew, the scum of the earth, dead!"
Would I be strong enough to not flock?
Even if I knew it was key for the Atonement to be unlocked?

I wonder what I would have thought
When they whipped the Savior of the world
Endless stripes that my redeemer wrought
Yet, all his love unfurled...

I wonder what I would have felt,
If I had been there under the cross
Pain, sadness, and gratitude as I knelt,
The world suffering its greatest loss...

I wonder what I would have cried
When they drove the nail through his hand
And rose my redeemer high above me as he died.
Would I have know this was planned?
Would I understand?

Do I yet understand?

I may not know everything about this scene, Nor do I know of the pains that the savior suffered. I can only imagine that they were excruciating. I am reverenced by the awe inspiring concept that this day brings. The gift that was given to every. single. one. of us. So we could return to our creator. The one being that knows you more than  you know yourself. The one being whose love for you is unconditional. Shivers dance down my spine as I am reminded that Christ has felt EVERYTHING I have felt.That he is completely aware of everything that hurts, and everything that is unjust. He is my best friend and best companion. I love the lord, and his sacrifice for the world.

Christ Died for ME on the cross that day. And I continue to wonder what I would have done, if i had witnessed it in person, Such a cruel and such a terrible event, yet it broke the bonds of sin, it allows me to be like him and live with him again some day. What a miraculous gift... And therefore, in its sadness I find the sweetest peace i have ever tasted... it makes me so overjoyed I can no longer express my words. I am so overcome with the peace and love it blesses my life with every day. I love the lord and his sacrifice for me. for you. for everyone. I am still continuously trying to find a deeper understanding of such a vast blessing, because i know i still do not fully understand.

The lord gave his life for me, and now I must return the favor.
I would be willing to die for him, but until I am faced with that decision, I will live for him- through him.

The lord gave me his life, and now I give him mine.

Lord I would follow thee.
and will serve the all the days of my life.

Happy Easter Daddy.

streaming in.

I like things in even numbers.
except seven.
and five.
Both favorites.
Call me OCD, I dont care-
Neither does my bedroom.
what a mess.
Sand in my hair, my ears, on my toes in my fingernails, sand everywhere.
The asians smell like sunscreen and look more white than the white girls- who reak of either maui babe, or aloe.
burned to a crisp
get fried fridays.
skip class
skip
skip skip...
skip skip skip... to class.
foster the people.
imagine dragons.
you.
Laughing.
Crying.
Trying.
Fighting.
Fear, terrified.
i love you.
whisper in your ear.
Faith.
Cant both exsist?
 they do...
i believe in both.
waiting, and not.
it fits. but does it?
calvin harris and the caf.
Two weeks.
New job- almost over.
Clams are nasty.
so are dreadlocks.
but i wont say that out loud.
bite your tounge.
necessary.
be civil, and kind.
waves... listen to me. listen to them lap up on the shore repeating themselves.
like me.
but not at all.
i want to be like the fish in the sea- free, beautiful, un-tempted.
working hard on me.
only 22 days.
even number- yet that one isn't as comforting.
rain and shine all in the same day.
all in the same moment.
laughing.
ice cream.
fake people, and genuine.
but i dont care either way.
long boards, short boards, skinny boards, pink boards, wood boards, land boards, surf boards, body boards even snow boards with wheels...
yet.
im walking.
or on a bike.
rust.
is.
everywhere if man made.
soft shores.
soft shores with you.
two people.
even numbers.
i like even numbers.
so do your parents.
promise.
promise rings.
futures.
turtles.
wedding dreams.
wedding.
wedding!
wedding?
no.
what it means... too much.
stop.
my head.
not now.
When did i grow up?
im not old.
i am young-
that is what everyone keeps telling me.
but thats getting old.
schoolwork
more like whatwork
lizards.
not really lizards, they are geckos
but lizard always spills out my mouth when i talk about them.
Rover, and king.
I miss my dog.
i miss home.
and seasons.
courtdelane
not how its spelled
to lazy.
its french.
je t'aime
language. culture.
barriers, walls, yet such topic of converstaion.
I dont speak chinese, my roommate doesnt speak english.
Awkward.
the only thing we have in common is
Ellen.
yes, the tv show.
i wish for a living room. a common area,
without a baby sitter.
tired.
so sleepy.
always.
yet,
no one sleeps.
no one heals.
scared knee cap.
two months being busted.
ew.
yum.
yummy.
so much food everywhere
grumbling tummy
old habits die hard
swimsuits.
bodies.
tanned skin- sun bleached hair.
marshmallow.
compare and contrast.
words ring in my mind.
alot.
alot alot.
i like it alot.
lisa.
Nicaragua.
22 days.
I like even numbers,
but maybe not this one.
Faith.
Fear.
cant both be real-
but they are.
wait.
please.
i beg of you.
yet.
understand if you cant.
heart flutters
heart hurts.
mind flutters
mind hurts.
yet peace.
Peaceful like the sight of the sea painted on the perfect blue backround of the sky.
clouds and rain, sun and moon.
airplanes.
diving.
nuts.
like macadamia.
your favorite.
i like to give you things.
but
I like even numbers.
i like even.
its fair.
simple and clean.
make it through these next couple of days, chin up baby girl.
adam fell that men might be,
happy.
Happiness.
have i found it?
am i just floating around accepting it as happy or am i genuinely happy.
it feels so different.
maybe the others where in vain.
and this is what it is supposed to actually feel like.
maturity.
growing up.
mind racing.
fingers flying.
money draining
time melting.
worries captivating
peace controlling.
...
someone tap into what i am streaming.
someone? anyone.
do i even want anyone anyways?
oh stop.
i dont even know anymore.
but i really do.
I like things in even numbers.
that is one thing i am positive of.
i like things in even numbers.