Pho(2)booth Dreams

Sometimes late at night i cant fall asleep...

Its not because i am not sleepy, or because im afraid of the dark.

Its not because i am scared of dreams, or uncomfortable.

Nor, is it because i am cold, or have something i need to get done.

It is simply becuase i love what i can dream when i am awake.

And the memories i can have of you and me that day.

Sometimes late at night,

I can't fall asleep.

For i am far to busy thinking of you, and how lucky i am to call you mine.

ykk

This one is for you.

This one is for you.

I sat in the grass littered with yellow leaves.

I stay safely tucked into your arms and you made me feel.

I sat there closing my eyes.

Thinking how much i loved it.

Knowing i am the luckiest girl alive.

You have shown me the sky,

You make me believe i can fly.

I stared at the ykk, and i knew i was going to be more than okay wrapped up in your navy blue sweater.

Day 28

The anniversary is coming,

And i am actually kind of scared,

Cause the thought is numbing,

At how much i cared.

The day was cold and we skipped class,

We talked in the cold weather,

Sat on the almost frozen grass,

And shared our stories together.

The anniversary is coming,

And i am actually kind of scared,

Cause the thought is numbing

At how much wasn't shared

Darkness lit up my world.

I didnt know who i was,
And turned out i didnt know anyone close either...

The anniversary is coming,

And i am actually kind of scared,

Cause the thought is numbing

About how i was so unprepared.

Day twenty 28 please as you approch,

Dont be a struggle

And let this year be better.
I can feel it has already started..

But i cannot lie i am still scared of that number...

The seconds i remember perfectly...

October 28, 2010 1:34... im scared of you.

Not enough class to cover their... butts.

There is something that really bothers me, alot. and it is not one of my pointless pet peves, this one really just urks me more than anything.

Last night was such a shock to me. And it really really bothered me. A lot.

Homecoming in my home town sounded like a fabulous idea.
It was where i grew up.
Where i learned to ride my bike.
Catch bugs with my friends.
Sled down the hills.
Ski durring school, sing on the chair lift.
Shop at the outlets until i was broke... again.

My home town where i thought everything was grand.
So naturally with my same naive thoughts i decided to attend.

The only words i have are, wow. and dissapointment. and wow. again.

As we walked into the dance, our first indication that it was going to be a less then normal date was, one: the fact that more people were there without dates then with. two: there were many cops there. three: we had to take a breathalizer test to get in as well as being checked for drugs. i kinda laughed at that, hah did i look like i was that kind of person? ha oh well... and Four: Where were the the girls clothes?... This one bothers me, it really really is disappointing.

I was super excited the day of to see all the girls i called my friends when i lived there. Lisa had told them i was coming, and so of course they wanted to see me... the problem is, i wish i could have blend into the crowd, cause shortly after arriving i realized i didnt want to see them... and when i mean see them i mean, see almost ALL of them... these girls that i had class with when i was little, the girls in my elementry school class, when yoga balls were big. the girls that used to not care what they wore, were practically not wearing anything. I was shocked. i was more like appalled. What happened!? i was so disappointed in them. They did not look beautiful, they did not look kind, they were not the girls i once knew. They were some forgien sluts that i would expect to see in some terrible place... my heart was so sad for them. They dont realize what class is, they just dont see it, they would rather just put out unstead of covering up... so sad.

I wish i could say now that park city is my home town without being ashamed. but i really cant. last night opened my eyes to reality. And i was really bothered by it.

There are so many examples of classy people that i love, because class, IS NEVER OUT OF STYLE! To be honest, i was so proud to be dressed, my skirt went to my knees, i had a cover for my shoulders. Lisa was dressed too, and to me she looked radiant. she looked fabulous. completely beautiful. And abby was equally as stunning, but other than that, no one else to me looked classy. Ah... they just looked... slutty. (pardon my language but there is no other word for it.)

Classy people i appreciate you. Thank you for finding self worth. You are beautiful to me.

My pleaded prayers

Down on my knees at night i pray and plead.
Make it stop, make it stop, someone make it stop.
As the tears litter my floor and the passion increases,
I pray hard, for this to cease, as i sit in my puddle.
A puddle that i cant gather back up,
The tears i cannot collect again,
Emotion leaks out of my eyes, never to be gathered again.

Words have been expressed and feelings felt.
I pray that this can be fixed.
Hoping that my prayers find the man up above so he can help.
Cause i sit and listen as i hear my worst fear,
And the fimilar sinking feeling enters my head when i realize its out of my control.
I close my eyes as they spit out the sounds, the dreaded words,
Wishing it to go away.
Hoping that if i just close my eyes hard enough it will all stop.
That when i open them up, it will open up a new shiny door of hope.

How naive of me to think this way,
Years of build up have caused the situation,
And i cant fix what was never one.
I cant do what my heart is screaming out to do, to fix this all.

help. but i cant. i cant.
It's just out of reach so close i feel all the emotion, yet,
so far cause i cant stich it back together.

I love you, i love you both.
Please, for me, hear my prayers.
My pleaded prayers.

Stiches

There was a piece of tiny gold thread attached to a tiny golden needle.
It pushed down past my skin, back behind my ribs and around my lungs.
My heart is what it was headed for.

I let it in, thinking it couldnt hurt me anymore than what i already was.
So numb that i didnt even care if it worked or not.
The thread so tiny, i never thought it would heal a thing; fix anything broken.

But when i let it touch my heart... when it brushed my heart, a healing process began.
I was surprised.
I was confused.
I was entrigued.
Before i knew what was happening, my heart moved.
My heart beat, no, my heart pumped again.

My heart had been touched by a tiny little needle with tiny golden thread.
It worked fast, quick, and gentle. Weaving in and out, knowing where to put what and
how to solve the endless puzzle. And before i could remember the pain, my heart was one.

Gold string came into my life.
It was so little so thin i never would have imagined it to captivate my heart.
I never would have thought it to be the thing to collect the broken pieces.
Yet, my once frozen-solid, shattered heart is warm, and the gold thread holds it together.

I may not have any cool scars to show for the stiches i have, but my heart is renforced with gold thread, making it impossible to break again. You stiched my heart, and when you did that. You fixed my world.

There was a piece of tiny gold thread on a tiny golden needle...
and that was all it was...

But i needed to learn, its the small most unexpected things in life that could heal my broken soul.

I glued a promise to my heart

It was hot upstairs, and the sun shone threw the windows.
As the birds outside, perched on their branches, chirped.
And the bees outside, hummed to and fro each pristene white flower on the overpowering bush out front.
The cool air outside rushed in and brushed my skin as i opened the window,
I traveled through the clutter scattered arcoss the floor, and eyed my favorite place to be.
You said it would be alright if i just slipped right in, so i did.
The sheets and pillows held the delicate scent that i was so familiar with.
Closing my eyes, in total bliss, time flew by and before i knew it, that door was swinging open.
"Honey, Im home!" you said as you smiled and jumped my way.
I couldnt help but giggle, neither could you.
Like a pillow you picked me up and squose me tight between those two strapping arms.
We closed our eyes in total bliss.
After an eternitity, we broke our bond.
You held my hand as you showed me how to navigate through the maze of clutter to get to the computer by the window.
Quickly you turned on the song, my favorite song, and smiled down at me as you took my other hand to place it up on your broad shoulder, my feet slid on to the top of yours.
We swayed, i spun, we danced slowly to the feelings held in the air.
You held me tighter when you played the song again, told me i didnt have to worry.
You would stay this close to me forever.
When the song played again, we danced over to my favorite place, you picked me up and placed me on the sheets and blankets.
We listened. Just listened.
And As it played one more time, i couldnt help it, i held on, i held on to you, and i glued that song to my heart, like i had never done before, the tears pooled in my eyes and they fell. Those tears fell to your shirt, you held me tighter, and whispered the words.
"dont let go, i love you... i love you."
I kept to myself, i knew he did, more than anything, but i knew it was so long before anything could even happen. I shut my eyes tight and thought to myself, how hard i would try to keep you that close. You brushed my hair off my face, and kissed the tears. You meant it, you were, you. That one cold september afternoon, you played my heart strings just right, you touched my soul, as we danced.
The song plays around me and i hear it, i remember how i glued the promise to myself that i would stay close to you. I remember. I remember.
And i whisper.
Goodbye, i swear its not for the last time, i know its not easy, this could never be easy...

... hmm

But i do know some things for certain,

... hmm :/