Volte Face

When you just want to drop it and run...

Sprint until you are far from the familiar, and not so.

But everywhere you turn is a dead end.

Why must this power remain in my soul?

So sleepy from the circles ive spun

I just want my some day to come.

"Do not live in the future and never in the past.."

Combine those together and it's my days of recent last.

Present... but its not mine.

How can i free myself from the bonds that bind my beating breast?

So sick of the sounds that ive spat at the world.

I just want the world to be silent.

World, listen to my longing

Guide paths in the opposite direction of right now.

Far far away.

I dont want to hike up this hill anymore.

Tricks and tests i can take,

But i beg.

One way path please.

Let my little legs carry me far far away from the intersecting paths.

Im dizzy from the drowsy thoughts swirling around

Pull my feet down, free me from the fright that i have found.

Why must i hold on to the something my soul dispises?

let go..

What happened?

Things once known become things you now knew.

I cant control the creature anymore...

For its out grown the cage.

Set on something bigger and better...

I just want to take the first train

Watch the new settings in the window pain

And never get off...

Yet i want a destination, some stop to call home...

Confused at the inner pull of my megnetic heart.

Scream the sounds somewhere buired deep within.

Let go...

Let go...

Let go...

who that once was, now is not them.

Let it sit inside your sore self,

Hear the thoughts linger in your ears,

Ringing out truth and placing peace into the soul.

so very...

so very...

so very...

correct.

Now universe, and sun, and stars above..

Please.

Allow the little legs, that wish to work,

To take that little girl to... where her heart just took.

One path please.

Far far away from the familiar of the unfamiliar.

Slow dancin under your stary eyes

The strings of lights reflected in those brown pools as

Familiar lyrics and notes played in the backround.

I rested my head on that strong chest and looked out at the sunset;

the last glimps of blue sky brushed over by deep reds, oranges, and pinks.

It was a scene from a movie.

I listened to the heart i knew so well thump into my ear.

I listened to the soft notes you sung as you rested your chin on my head.

close my eyes.

Take it all in.

"im the luckiest girl in all the world."

Kisses showered my forehead.

I love you was softly, tenderly, meaningfully said.

Song after song we swayed this way.

So close.. held so tight.

Two best friends, celebrating what that day was for.

Not the sappy stuff,

but the true feelings shared;

Sharing that we each cared.

As the night progressed we sat at the table that had been set.

A candle lit dinner for two.

Flowers.

Laughter.

Smiles.

We held hands and watched the last of the sun go down.

Your jacket kept me warm, as so did the space heaters.

silence.

No need to speak.

Why break the perfect moment, the perfect feeling, the perfect night.

feel our fingers intertwined.

close my eyes.

Take it all in.

Never forget.. "im the luckiest girl in all the world."

Open my eyes to see you looking at me.

Smiling... not only with your mouth, but

With those brown eyes holding the candle light in them.

My smile.

The smile you only give to me.

I think differently of this day now.

today as the day progressed i remembered why it was okay i was "alone"

I remembered why i wanted to be single.

And why i didnt want any "Valentines"

Cause i want to wait for that.

I dont want any of the fake "i love you's" any more.

Having this day last year made up for this one single year and many more to come becuase,

I know that i only want the real stuff.

Valentines is a great day.

And i cant wait for this kind of thing once more.

The perfect excuse to just share.

Share that you each care.

I love that.

"two times more than you could ever love me..."

its too important to say the way its been

come into my world

your invited please come

let me feel the influence of your soul

have it power over me

wrap me up in those big strapping arms

encompous me in your smile

i want to put my head on your chest and just listen to it thump

hold me tight, dont let me go

let me into your world

i want you in mine

this world is beautiful, but with you by my side its magnificent

sweep me off my feet

indulge my thoughts until i cant sleep

make my cheeks hurt from making me smile

bring the cozy feeling too

the one i only feel when i am around you

listen to the words i speak

your invited please come,

i want you here by me

cause i miss you a ton

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words simply cannot describe how great of a day this was for me.

AHH it was better than anything!

Ten things that helped make this day one of the best ever.

One, Honey bunches of oats.

Two, had my flirt on today... hmm :) always fun.

Three, i love lacrosse - new girl, wowwwoo this year we are going to do well. So hopeful!

Four, i shaved at walmart.

Five, I have a great job - divas i love you.

Six, realized that in a mere 20 days i will turn that old age of 18. Whoa!

Seven, Also realized that in a 12 days im going to be in disney land. :)

Eight, My family, and friends are crazy amazing, i love them and they support me so much. What more could i ask for?!

And nine... drum roll please.....

ACCEPTED TO BYU HAWAII!!!

Im feeling on top of the world. I probably wont sleep well tonight, but who needs sleep really? My Goodness there is someone up there looking down on me showering me with blessings today. I hope he is smiling cause i cant stop. AHHHH such a good day!!!!!

Ps..number ten... :)

"5 years is nothing compared..."

Journal? Some times i open up and read what i have written from past events...

"He doesnt use a plate and he uses the SAME knife in the peanut butter and the jelly!!"

" I have honestly met my saving grace- a literal angel."

" I wouldnt say i love him quite yet because im afraid, but i hope that there is something in store for us because we just fit... he feels like home..."

" I have been praying for this answer for a long time"

" He just radiates."

" When i am with him... the world is a different place. I feel at peace."

" Do i looove him? I dont know... well, yes, actually i do, i love the person that he is. so.. well i guess i do.. i love him... huh... maybe im so in love that i am head over heels and just haven't realized that that is what this feeling is yet"

" Im really happy, in fact, i've never been this happy"

" alma 37:37.... jiwm..."

Journal? some times i open up and read what i have written from past events, sometimes i cry and i laugh and i wish and i feel feelings again... sometimes i realize what is happening and why... and i plan accordingly... but sometimes i wonder... Dec 26... i cant deny what i felt... i remember every detail... and the spot on the ceiling that i was looking at when it happened... so what now?... how do i find that...? and i think i have figured it out... cause nothing, nothing... has felt that way since...

Hold on baby girl walk with your head held high...

"five years is nothing compared..."

and this way...

i feel at peace...

everything will work out...

one way or another.

Hindsight

Hindsight.

So sad i couldn't contain my feelings i went out on a drive. As the buildings and people blurred out of sight i found myself far from home. I thought alot about what i needed. What i wanted. why why why... I found myself alone... and hurt... even though promises were made saying you would never... i went back to december, and thought of 2014... it was so hard to wrap my head around everything... i tried to figure out where to go, how to contain myself, how to pick myself up... i decided that going to find a new piece of jewelery would be good for me.... i sifted through so many stores, so many places. It didnt matter how much it cost, but it had to do its purpose.... I couldn't find it... nothing spoke to me, nothing did anything for my broken soul, broken heart... that was until i was leaving the last store, calling it quits, going home, that i found one little rack of rings. And there it was, the perfect fix. A ring, a ring that would take the place of a necklace i once loved. Just the right size, and the only one left only a plain silver band with the words inscribed; "If god brought you to it, he will bring you through it." It was perfect. It was enough for me to remember to live in the future not the past, to live in faith not fear, to have the courage to do what i needed to do.

Hindsight.

Sometimes i look down at my ring and twist it around my index finger. I ponder what i have gotten through recently.. Tonight as i sat in that room, with thousands of people, all there for the same purpose, on a stand i had seen hundreds of times, i looked down at my finger... I read my motto... And i cried at how blessed i am to have what i have in my life and that miraculously i have found the strength somewhere to over come all that i have over come. As i watched that kind, strong, happy, old man come in to that huge hall and every soul in the room, thousands of people, stand in honor of him i realized again the answers to my questions months ago... i realized again what i truly needed, what i truly wanted, and why everything in my life has happened. My life has been like a big puzzle, this had to happen so that that could happen, which caused this to happen which gave me this and this and this... its amazing... i cant wait for the next piece... even though i probably wont realize it until its passed.. Isnt it wonderful when you can just sit and know that were you are at in your life is somewhere honest, and happy and fufilled and full of blessings... Well i had an overwhelming feeling tonight... As i listened to the ringing in the hall that fits twenty thousand people, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that god had brought me to alot of things not just because he could but for a purpose, and that he has always gotten me through it somehow, even if i didnt realize it at first. Tonight got me through.. What a blessing.

Hindsight.

Just what i needed

I dont need another person to make me happy.

Im happy just being single ol' me.

I am closer to my family, closer to my savior.

I have priorities straight.

Wait, i can make good use of time? yes, yes i can.

Grades are better.

Friends are closer.

I have more money, and more time.

I sleep at night time.

Everything seems more simple.

I cry less.

I smile a lot.

I feel great.

Im enjoying my life this year.

Got big plans, my plans, not anyone elses, not even influenced by them, mine.

This feels so wonderful, it just feels right.

I've been single and ive been taken and

You see im not even joking,

I dont need another person to make me happy.

I am truly happy being single steffany :)

And that is pretty cool i think.

Pretty sure this is where i needed to get before i run of to college. what a blessing.

Im Steffany. Im single. And im smiling.

1/25 of a second

Coldplay sang it.
National Geographic illustrated.
And the world modeled.

"We live in a beautiful world."

Someday i will travel to the nooks of nations and the corners of the seas.

I will take pictures that inspire.

Ill get down in my hands and knees and see the world through my lense.

Ill grow a deeper appreciation for the miricle that is Earth.

Ill examine the animals and the cultures.

I will meet war struck people and peer into there story telling eyes.

Connect with fellow humans, and wonder why i have been so blessed.

Ill share my knowledge of happiness.

Ill listen to the laughter of children around the world.

I will hear the crash of the waves and smell the salt of the sea.

Just me and my camera, on an adventure to capture one of my favorite things...

The beauty of the world.

Im going places in my life.

Someday I will travel to the nooks of the nations and the corners of the sea.