Twitterpated

When you stop looking for it, it finds you.
And I believe this to be true.
I stopped looking
And I stopped caring and well
Truth is....


I am totally and completely twitterpated.



Other truth about this is,

he hardly knows.


Sometimes I feel really small and insignificant. And sometimes I feel like that alot. But other times I feel very important and very needed. I just havent felt that as much. I think that knowing both feelings quite well make it all the better to feel very important.

I really want to date him. I really want to be his girl. I really think that he is something special. I really think that it could work. I really do. I really think that i would have never found him on my own. I really hope that this is the next step in my life. I really like him. I really like him. I REALLY like him. I was supposed to meet him. I know that. How? well you see there is a story, one of those crazy stories that you only hear when people meet in the movies type of story.

He is my best friends cousin's cousin. Ya. I met him in California, on the beach... we both live in Utah, in the mountains.

I was supposed to go to California with 5 girls five days later than when I went. I was supposed to not go at all. But I went. I was supposed to only go to the beach that day, but ended up in a gated community with complete strangers. I was supposed to go to lots of beaches, but only went to one mainly.  I was supposed to not stay an extra day, but I did.

It was the perfect alignment of weird events that happened just ever so perfectly so that I could happen to meet a guy that is funny, and silly, and tall, and tan, and righteous, and caring, and artistic, and musical, and strong, and athletic, and stylish, and CUTE AS HECK, and totally and completely my type. Someone who just happens to love dogs, and the beach, and pictures, and adventure... just like me. Someone who just happens to be getting out of a relationship, who just happens to live in highland utah, and just happens to be moving to provo?? You see? I was supposed to meet him. It's pretty clear... I just dont know for what yet.

And now I am really really really hopeful that, after a year of feeling very small and insignificant, that this one person can make me feel important again., and that maybe that is the reason we met on a sandy beach a thousand miles away from home.

Please please please. I want nothing less than to date this young man... he is just too good to pass up And I promise whoever is in charge of my future, and his... that I will be really good to him... and I promise that I will make him happy like I think he can make me. I dont remember feeling this taken in a very long time. I dont remember meeting anyone in such a perfect storm of events before. I promise to be the best I can be. Please please please just let this happen for me.... i've been so patient... and im totally and completely twitterpated.

HEY YOU!!! Check out this post, please and thanks :)

Hello followers of this blog, I have made an executive decision, I have decided to channel my love for writing in other ways. I will still post on this blog occasionally, however, if you wish you hear from me on a more regular basis, I will be writing on my new blog. It is called Something lovely. Give it a look. Cause it is going to be wonderful. I hope that this new blog can be a better outlet for my thoughts and such.

www.rememberlittlemoments.blogspot.com

P.S. Thank you for following me here. I really do appreciate it. Hope to see you following my new blog.

sleep thoughts.

Maybe its why my subconscious still finds you.

Letting it all out.

Isnt it interesting how a dream can work? You have absolutely no power over what you will see in your sleepy little head, yet somewhere deep down you still remember some things forgotten. Some things that you have forgotten while you were awake. And maybe this is why i have suddenly been remembering? I couldnt recall thinking of these things throughout the day or, seeing them in weeks, yet there they are night after night. Maybe dreams exsist to remind you of things that you once loved, like your best friends hot tub, or her awesome backyard, from when you were six. Or that one guy you dated from freshman year, who you really didnt date, it was mainly just a title. Or maybe they are there to refresh your memory of the hurt you once felt, so you can realize how good you have it when you wake up. Dreams might exsist just to simply entertain your family at the breakfast table when you tell them your latest "adventure"... But right now i just think my dreams are there to keep mind mind moving through out the day... Why do i dream of these things that i never wanted to think of again. Why does my selfconscious go there? I tell myself no no no. too much hurt. keep away. Yet my dreams mock me. I think i know why one chararcter has come along. He always represents a certain feeling, but you. I dont get it, cause the character has changed... im not a dream interperter but, i think i know why you have come along lately. I've been bugged and my mind pushes it away in the day but at night i cant fight it anymore. What a hypocrite you have become... and i think that deep down that has hurt me... And i know its not my place at all really to say that kind of thing, but apparently its been on my mind lately, and i want it to go away... heres for hoping, let me free dreams. Im letting it out. now stop it.

It hurts to have excuses thrown at your face.

It hurts to know that you were so easily replaced.

It hurts to know you dont even care.

It hurts to know that love isnt fair.

But i am STRONG i really am,

Just unloading built up emotion.

Just go away now cause i am done,

I release my true devotion.

Maybe?

It began in the small hours of the night.

A simple sound, an idea. Internal fight.

Brush it away day after day.

Erase the words that he did say.

Time took the words right from his lip

Losen your fingers on the grip.

Sometimes I feel it would be easier

That life would be breezier

With someone sitting by my side.

With someone who would in me take pride.

I have never played this part before

Lonely have I never felt more.

But not lonely in its tradition

Just longing for a simple addition.

One plus two.

A "me" and a 'you".

I wish for someone to come and sweep me off my feet,

Someone who smiles when we greet.

I wish for that feeling of importance

Not the feeling of ignorance.

I wish for that feeling of going home when wrapped in his arms

And being swooned by his simple charms.

I want to feel safe.

I need to feel safe.

I wish for honesty to flow

And a trust to grow.

So many have said they'd keep me,

Yet alone here I be.

I do not pitty myself, or call this last resort

I just wish for acceptance when i've come up short

I'll be patient.

I'll wait.

I've done so already.

Not throwing my love out

To anyone eager roaming about.

It means more to me.

I'd invest anything to have you see.

I am cute and maybe slightly funny,

But id hold you tighter than anyone honey.

Just give me the chance.

Give me my next person at a glance.

I just want to meet him.

Im ready. Excitment flowing over the brim-

Come on over

Summer boyfriend.

secret to your soul

The picture that you have always painted.
You can draw it in your sleep.
Has changed.
Ever so slightly,
Ever so softly.
But just for the better.
But just for the best.
And no one knows.
It's tucked safely inside,
That fold within that beats and thumps within your breast.
Silent, yet screaming as it talks to your hands.
Only to your hands.
Watch those hands.
What makes them move?
what is the secret to the soul that moves those hands.
Those hands that paint the picture.

Rip the human race open,
Peer inside the whole.
Peer inside the hole.
Rip you open.
Look into your soul.
Changed.
Altered.
But only for the better.
But only for the best.
Darkness once filled the cavity that beams.
Light after the dark.
Calm after the storm.
Push past the light, im searching for the soul.
I feel the breeze from your chest,
I've drown in the sea.
Watching the trouble to stay afloat..
I've felt it too.
Looking so close i see myself there inside of you.
Buried down deep behind the rocks and rubble.
Interseresting i found myself sitting in that dark soul.
Souls meet at the darkest of spots.
You are in me and i am in you.
Is that the secret to your soul?
What is the secret?
The secret that has moved your hands.
Those gentle hands that paint the picture.

Silence.
Listen to the sound of silence, watch what it does.
It makes the picture.
The picture you could paint in your sleep.
For it is not the connection but rather the disconnect.
Scream.
Your hands will move.
The secret is only for your soul to know how to make them.

Secret to your soul.
What is the secret to your soul?

Chin Up Baby Girl

Always a nice reminder.

4,000 miles so little time.

t-minus:

50 Days till graduation.

70 till i move out.

250 days till 4,000 miles.

Is this really where my life is headed?

so far away...

Maybe what i thought i once dreamed of is actually a nightmare causing me to lose sleep.

I know i know. stop it already.

but i will write anyway.

I complimented you everyday.

I made sure to show my love in your language.

I devoted myself to you...

how could we just walk away?

Dont all humans want to be loved?

Dont we all need a someone like that?

Isnt that what you want?

someone as a base all the time?

Was i not?

Cant you see what is happening here?

Is this really happening?

I know somewhere deep within you care..

Or at least i hope you do....

Am i too clingy?

Too preachy?

Do i cry too much at silly things?

Am i not up to par in the looks, additude, or personality?

I would fix it... i would...

Look at what is coming so soon, look at the path ways we will live...

Are we coming to a close?

Forever?

After all this...

just a lesson learned?

i dont want it to be a just a lesson.

I want it to be my life.

I want it to be the beautiful fairy tale for just a couple more months.

Wasnt it that at one point?

Is this really the end of the road?

No more stories, and memories?

My fingers are clasped so tightly to this... i just cant let my past go.

Im scared to just let EVERYTHING blow away in the wind.

I know what i want...

I am willing to fight for it, for you...

But i am also submissive to what you want.

It takes two to tango..

and i know that.

The picture is just unclear.

Just for this little while we may have left...

What we had was more than i had ever had before...

You are going to just watch me walk away?

You are going to just watch me board a plane?

RUN after me chase me down...

please...

am i not worth fighting for?

I would leap into your arm if you held them open...

Im realizing why i run so far...

Its too hard to play this limbo....

...

Is this what you are waiting for?

Just before i go,

Wanting me to jump right when you say?

at the will that you want?

Is that what i want?

I dont like the power you have over me..

but at the slight chance that you will come back,

I want to say i was faithful all along.

Loyal. Forever and always. Even when it got hard.

But that is probably stupid...

Nothing for the long term i promise.

Just for the now, enjoying these last hours i have here...

Im going on adventures and so are you... too hard to keep in touch...

But for now, for now its not. Seize the moment, the day... the opportunity.

I understand patience, and i understand space, but time is running down to the wire.

Life is coming like a freight train.

Its a surreal feeling, realizing i may never see you again..

I want to soak up every moment i have left.. i want to just tap into that feeling once more.

I am sad to let one of the best things that ever happened to me go...

How can i just do that?

How can you just do it?

why?...

I will be good, i will be fun.

I will be all that you ever wanted...

Just take me..

Between those arms.

Just take me into your world while i still have time to visit.

what are we doing?

dancing around town playing hide and seek,

then finding eachother eventually?

I just cant wrap my head around this...

Is this really how its all ending.

Im leaving and you are leaving i get all of that...

So why not just enjoy the souls together while it can still happen?

where is the harm...

its scary to think that so much will change in the next couple of years. I want to hold on to the here and now. its been the happiest time to date... i... i dont know if i can just drop it... I may appear brave and couragous, but in all reality im scared out of my mind realizing that this is not a small feat that is about to happen... i know i will make the best of whatever happens down this new road.. but right now we all live on this same street... let me know you for a couple more months... i just need to know you for a couple more... i want to see you happy i want to be the one who makes you happy... i want to be the girl you are proud to say is yours just for a little longer... Ill be cute and funny, witty and charming, i will become silly when needed, and serious at other times. I will be your support, i will feed your hungry tummy.. i will do it. whatever it is. i will do it. pinky promise.

Time ticks by so quickly and before we all know it.. it will be too late.

and the moments will have passed by, blown away in the wind, not to be found again.

As the hours have passed i have remember all the good times...

Some of the bad too,

But i just long for the sense of adventure and playfulness while i am here...

I am terrified to let go all the good times of the last two years.

I dont think im quite ready to say goodbye...

4,000 miles is so far away..

250 days is so little time.

And then you see why it happened.

The purple tones and rich red in the sky were completely breath taking tonight.
I am glad i have eyes to see the sunsets.

Sometimes in my life i get in little slumps of sadness and stupidity.
And i get stuck there.
And i think i have been sitting in one for a couple of weeks.

But I realized in the last couple of hours of these last couple of days that somethings in life are better left for the big guy to handle. And of course i knew that before, but im a "fixer" as some would say, and it gets to me when i cant fix the right here and now.

I cant fix everything, and not everything needs to be fixed.

I think that in life we need to have an instance where it all comes back, and you remember so clearly, just so you can know what to change, just so you can know what not to do... just to know why you stopped in the first place.

Isnt it interesting how so much good can come from something so not?

I think that sometimes in this life we need to be jolted alittle, we need a catalyst in our life to shake some sense into us, something to get us out of the rut, even though it may be scary or hard.

I am so glad for my amazing life that i have and all the blessings that surround me; friends that care so deeply they will listen to my nonsense histerical crying for hours. Family that will stop and recognize when i need to take a break, when i need to be alone.

As i have thought over the last 48 hours, i have realized some things; i need to improve myself even more than i am.. that its okay that i am weak, becuase i have strong things and people to support me when i fall... that everything is going work together eventually for good.

I think i needed what happened in these last 48 hours to happen.. so that i could take the time to remember, relive, to realize, re-evaluate, redo, repent, and remember again what i really need.

And to most of all remember that;

God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were ment to be.

And i really believe that.