Monday, October 15, 2012

5000 miles of you on my mind

I got shot with a flour gun last night. by a pretty dumb boy. Of course it was a joke, and obviously all in good fun, but it hurt. A lot actually. i had been the butt of the joke all evening. Adding insult to injury i was just done. I went home...

I had a dream last night of course after i cleaned up and had a good cry... and you were still there. Still there. in my head. Stop it. just stop. I want to stop so much i want a new standard of something/someone new to compare to. But there you are EVERY day. just a standard i have set i suppose. Something that my fingers wont let go of. even though I know yours are long gone... and that fact doesn't even bother me.

I think its this time of year. The cool air. The soft breeze. the crunchy leaves. The smell of the bitter cold mornings. The sweaters and hats i wore around you... i fell in love with you this time of year.

Once you said she did things with other fellas that she did with that one boy. I'm doing that... like you said. maybe if i do it with other guys it wont mean anything... but that isn't true... i just think of you. every time  Pinky promise. football games. rapper names. same jokes. same places. same feelings. different boy. always the same thought.... you. But why?

I am honestly so happy that you are happy. you seem so accomplished and you just seem to be exactly where you are supposed to be at. with her. I like her, i always have. darling girl. cute clothes and personality.

And i am happy too. I know i am where i am supposed to be, single and playful...
I just cant shake it. i just cant.

Its amazing how when the smells come out this time of year, or if i hear one song, or see one picture of you.... i go right back. like it was yesterday. like nothing ever happened. but it did. everything happened.

we haven't spoken in months.. yet to this day when some dumb boy makes me cry late at night your number teases me on the screen of my phone. your the person i want to talk to. your the one i want to stick up for me...  even though you are literally thousands of miles away. and we don't know each other anymore.

If i could let go would i?
i mean really?
If i could chose to forget... would i?

I dont know. i really have no clue.

So much time is ahead of me and so many other guys will come into play but sometimes i wonder... why am i   still waking up thinking of you? why are you still the hero in my dreams? why cant i shake what happened years ago? why cant i just let go? why not forget? why why why?

I mean really we are five thousand miles apart..

Fall has always been my favorite season... but its always been just a little bitter sweet too...

someday i will stop thinking of you.

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