Monday, August 29, 2011

Fly free.

Love: a form of amnesia when you forget there are 1.2 BILLION other guys out there.

"so let go let go, jump in oh what what you waiting for, its alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Drown me in Nostalgia

I remember the smell of your shirt when you took it off your back and offered it to me as we sat down at the lake. I can still picture your face looking out at the lake. You were smiling. But it wasnt just a smile worn on your mouth. It shown through your eyes too... it was the smile you only gave to me... my favorite smile in the world.. I remember thinking how perfect the moment was... And it was perfect. There was a breeze whipping my hair around. I wore your flannel shirt to keep me warm. The moon shone on the water as it gently lapped up on the shore line... I close my eyes and it replays in slow motion like an old time movie...

I remember the deep red in the roses you brought me when i was done with my show. You surprised me, cause i didnt even think you were coming. But you stood there all by yourself smiling holding 12 red roses just waiting to give them to me. I kept those roses for three weeks, i couldnt bring myself to throw them away...

I remember climbing into the photobooth laughing my head off cause i was draggin you in. We were wearing matching shirts. Yellow. You looked so cute in yellow. I thought i knew everything so of course and i got the camera stuck at the bottom of the screen. You were too big for the booth in the first place so ducking down to the level of the camera was hilarious. Neither of us could stop laughing. 3 pictures of us laughing. And the last was the only planned one. Its still cant help but laugh and smile everytime i see it. My photobooth dream is my favorite picture.

I remember the cool breeze and watching the colored leaves fall all around us. I closed my eyes and smelt the chilled smell just before snow comes. I snuggled up into your navy blue sweater like i was getting close to a fire... you and i sat there together for only a half hour.. I talked. You listened. You were always a good listener... that was the moment when i realized really how much you ment to my little heart. I looked at the zipper on your sweater and i thought to myself that you would always be there for me and i knew it.. engrained in my mind is the ykk that sat on your chest that day...

I remember pulling on my hat to cover my ears and sticking my feet in snow boots- thinking they looked so silly, cause well, i wanted to be cute for you but i wanted to be warm too.. I headed up to your house and you smiled as you saw my snow getup... We held hands through our gloves and you led me to the sledding hill. We shared a sled. I screamed really loud when we tipped over in the snow, but it funny and we layed there laughin in the snow just looking at eachother. Someone started a snow fight and i got in the middle of it. Your friend shoved me to the ground. My head stopped the fall... it hurt. But i held in the tears trying to be brave ... before i knew it you had me in your arms and were carring me inside... you whispered in my ear.. "its okay i got you"... and i let the tears fall on your shoulder... my knight in shining snowsuit.

I remember being suspicous of what you were doing cause i knew something was up. You called me and told me to come to your house. I arrived and you told me to close my eyes. You took my hands and led me to your back porch. I opened my eyes and frankly it was perfect. You had spent all day making your porch the perfect setting. You had strung lights everywhere, they softly glowed in the background. The sun was setting just over the lake, the oranges and pinks and purples painted the sky. Candles were on the beautifully decorated tabletop. My favorite flower, food, and dessert sat on the table waiting for me to partake... You tried to get tickets for my favorite singer, but it was sold out so you turned on her cd.. You asked me if i would dance with you, and so of course we did. We danced that night- under the sunset, under the lights.. to my favorite songs.. with my favorite person...

I remember giggling as i ran in your overly sized clothes to my car... you chased me there. I sat against my car and you leaned down smiling with those big brown eyes and kissed me. You opened my door and i climbed in but i wasnt ready to go. I wanted to go back to the couch were we had been and go back to sleep just to wake up to you watching me again... but i couldnt... you closed my door, drew a heart on my window... and watched me drive down the road... You held up those big hands above your head like the proudest person in the world... you wore that huge smile on your face... and you made a heart with those hands.. I watched from my rear view mirror until i couldnt see you anymore...

I remember i do... I remember... do you?

It supposed does not matter if you do or dont, but i have learned in this little life of mine...

Not to cry because its over, but to smile because it happened.

I live. I laugh. I learned. I loved.

Life is good.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Home is wherever

Ive been walking out front becuase that was once a safe place...
Because that is where home was... with that brown eyed boy
Ive been pacing out front waiting and hoping for the door to open
but i just put miles on my shoes this way cause the lock wont turn.

I have been here waiting, remembering what steps i took with you
What places you took me to, and how you went there smiling.
My shoes are worn down, and i dont want to wait, but i stay here...
At the steps that i took with you once apon a time and i wait.

Its point less to wait here. I know that. Because out front a for sale sign sits.
You have moved on. You are gone. The lock will not turn for me again.
I pace out front and watch others walk in... i see the lock open for them... but never for me.
No more should i come to this familiar safe place, its not my home anymore..
Your not coming back.
Im wearing my tennis shoes down in a pointless pace...

As i put one foot in front of the other i remember that last encounter i had with you...

You locked the door and i tried to visit once in awhile- knocked on the door.
You let me in a few times, we sat for an hour in the front room... and made small talk, laughed a little... but i saw your glances at the clock and at the door... so i got up and left...
I heard the lock squeak behind me as i walked down the street. Like I was never there.

You've changed. The lock has hurt me in more than one way, it keeps me from the familar home i once knew... and it has hurt you too. I dont know the brown eyes i once did, for they have changed. And i feel like they have change ever so slowly, but over the time, my familar brown eyes are a different shade... they only look over me... not at me... not like you did for so long... you've changed... I hate the bulky metal unbreakable lock on the door... it has killed my brown eyed boy... it has killed my home.

I have been walking here on the steps i once took to get home.
But now as i realize this lock will not open... i walk down the steps past the "for sale" sign of someone i used to call home...

"home is whenever im with you"

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Terminal 2

I love the air port. Ever since i was a little girl i squeal when we take the turn off the highway to get there. And repeatedly say "oh i love the airport!!" then my mom or dad laugh at me but i dont care. I love the smell, the hustle and bustle of all the people, the little stores, the cars, the EVERYTHING! I absolutely love the airport. Its just so interesting.
It represents alot of things- reunion, excitement, surprise, sleepiness, new people, new land, new adventures, and of course parting.
I went to the airport yesterday to drop off my new zealand friend, grace. She went inside with my mommy and i was left sitting in my car to watch the people at terminal 2. Stalker? yes. but i didnt care cause well, love the airport and i love the people at the airport.
To my left i watched a man on the phone, i watched asians pull up in a lexus, in an audi and even in a land rover... alot of asians (rich)... any who. There was a cowboy in full get up- boots, hat, and even belt buckle. There was a mom pushing her handicapped daughter in a wheelcar. I watched as a couple had there last embrace- both were crying and kissing one another. I got to witness a mom and her two litle kids say goodbye to there daddy- he wore a military outfit, he leaned down to kiss his wife and hug his kids, then tears in all their eyes he turned and went inside- i lip read as he walked across the street. "i love you" then he saluted.

As i watched the people at the airport i realized the value of a person, of course i knew this before, that we were all valuable but this was different. The people at terminal 2 changed me a little, I was surprised by the wealth of asisans and thought that the sterio type was more ture than i thought. I was thrilled to see a cowboy walking around like he was in a western movie and that he was about to call his horse to ride him into the sunset. I was touched by the love of a mother helping her daughter do something that to me seems so simple- moving from place to place. My heart felt the hugs and kisses of the couple saying goodbye... i wondered if they would ever see eachother again, i wondered if she would move on and kiss another when she left... i cried when that composed man hugged his children and kissed his wife then turned with tears in his eyes to go serve.. serve for his family, for the united states, for me...

I loved the airport before i went, but now i realize i love the airport even more because it represents love for one another. I didnt know any of those people i saw yesterday but i felt like i did. I felt the love they had for one another. And that touched my little heart as i sat in the car waiting at terminal 2.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


I love life :) i do.