Tuesday, December 27, 2011

(: elims

Life is happiest when you do these things. Promise.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


My hair flies in front of my face as I walk down the street
I keep my hands in my pockets and kick the pine cones just ahead of me.
I only let them go slightly a head so I can kick them again in just a couple steps.
The wind is whipping my scraf around and pulling my hair further and further out of my hat.
I walk west as the sun is setting.
Pinks and purples are smeared across the white thin clouds sitting on the light blue sky.
The last sun beams shine on the few remaining leaves holding on to branches high on the trees.

I feel ready.
Ready ready.
I roam on the road and in the caverns of my mind
I remember what I was doing this day last year... silly as it may be...

Dec 6 2010: I was not feeling too well, I had a cold, but it didn't matter, cause I was dating a darling boy. We ate lunch at his house that day. Pastrami sandwiches. I watched him make my sandwich, he did a little dance as he toasted the bread. I smiled. I smiled alot that day. He was my best friend. After finishing our lunch we cut some paper snow flakes and hung them in the kitchen windows. On december 6th 2010, i knew i was head over heals for that fellow. I thought he was perfection... and he was. We called eachother that evening after a concert i was in. We sat and talked for hours. What a wonderful close a busy day.

Odd that that was a year ago... doesnt seem like a year ago at all...

I wander on the road today and remember these small details.
They are gems that i have tucked away in the treasure chest of my memories.
I visit sometimes and can't help but smile, and other days i cry, but today i felt ready.


Ready to be on with my life.
Memories are some of the fondest things to my heart, they are the stories in my mind, and the feelings in my heart, but i dont need them. Of course life is much richer with them, but i dont need to live them any more. That is why i keep them as memories, to remember the present.
Today i relished in the nostolgia of last year and I smiled at how happy he made me and how love struck I was; I cried because I realized how blessed I was to ever have someone like that in my life but in the end I just felt ready.

Ready to move on in my life. On to, not neccesarily bigger and better, but different and wiser things. I am ready to put one foot in front of the other and be a different person then i was last year. I am ready to make steps in my life. Big steps. Responsible steps. Hard steps. Scary steps. But i am ready.

I have lived such a wonderful life, and i know that because of the memories i have stored away, but i am ready to live the next crazy and wonderful chapter in my life. With new characters, and settings, and conflicts, and solutions.I am ready for new Protagonists, and atogonists, and tactics and endings... I am ready... No need to rush i know. But when it does come and take over my life with new exciting things i will be ready. I am prepared.

As i walked and the cold air swept across my face, i couldnt help but feel like where i am in my life is exactly where i need to be, not living in my memories, not longing for them back. Not living waiting for the big change to come lift me off my feet. I am living my life just ready. Ready for whatever comes next.

Life can only be understood backwards. It must be lived forwards.
I am ready.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Find it

Dance like no one is watching.

Kiss in the rain.

Say what you need to, when you need to say it.

Feel important. Be important.

Say thank you.


Plan for tommorrow and the next day.

Be where you want to be.



Go on the pursuit of happiness.

Drive the long way.

Share your talents.

Give freely.


Dont think too much.


Get inspired and act on it.




Move on.

Let go.

New chapter.

Love yourself.

Keep your chin up.

Be not just simply good- be good for something.

Make your dream reality.

You can.

Buy cute new shoes.

Support your friends and family.

Give flowers.

Have faith that everything will work out in the end.

Sing in the car.

Change for the better.

Dont hold back.

Take a stroll down memory lane, enjoy it.

Express yourself.

Find happiness in the simplest of things.

Compliment a stranger.

Do yoga.

Consider other peoples feelings.

Dont let anyone get in your way.

Free yourself.

Have fun.

Be confident, not prideful.


Make things happen.

Never give up.

Think outside the box.

Destroy waht destroys you.

Take a breath.

Take a nap.

Smell the roses.

Miss what was once good, hope for better.

Laugh at your silly mistakes.

Accept reality. Make reality what you want.

Let it be.

Enjoy what you have.


Do what you love.

Make today your day.

Be curious, not judgemental.

Love your body.

Hug your daddy.

Kiss a baby.

Keep your dreams in sight.

Learn from yesterday.

Live for today.

Pray for tommorrow.


What's stopping you?

Sunday, November 13, 2011


The sculpter sits at his desk lined with fresh new blocks of clay.
His mind flowing with creative energy to create so many works of art with each new block.
But he grabs the one he worked on yesterday.
He is not done with it yet. Even though he has worked on it for years.
The block has been chizzled down to a basic shell of what he wants to create.
His ultimate vision not quite complete.
So today he chips a little more into the familar clay block,
He pulls a little harder on the structure.
But not too hard.. the clay isnt quite strong enough for that yet.
It will be though, just not today,
So he sets it down and waits until tommorrow to pull slightly harder.

He takes the clay in his big worn hands day by day and chips more away.
So carefully he cuts into the frame of the soft clay,
Avoiding damage beyond repair. Avoiding too much for the clay to handle.
Removing just enough to make the piece stronger.

The clay does not know what will happen to it as it is picked up daily
But it trusts the familar hands sculpting it.
Believing that someday it can be a model of beauty and strength.
Knowing that he will create a masterpiece of it if it is willing go where the hands move it to.
The clay is excited to be worked on.
But it cant always harden fast enough for each change.
Sometimes it takes alittle time for each cut to harden after the deep cuts.
Sometimes it take a lot of time.
The artist knows this and puts the clay down knowing that too much will ruin the piece of art.
So he waits.
He waits until the clay is strong enough to take the next sculpt.

The artist sits at his table day by day anxious to carve his vision into the block.
He knows however, that the clay must cooperate in order for this to happen.
It must harden and take shape, it must be willing to recover after every chip and tug and pull.

And if the clay is willing to be chipped and pulled and tugged it will it become the vision. Strong and beautiful. The model of the maker.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Open Rebellion

I dont know where it came from or why...

But today i just had this thing on my mind...

It kinda just crept in on alot of situations:

As i did my hair in the bathroom,

When i sang in church,

As i played the piano

When i listened in on somthing someone said.

As i walked outside and felt the cold air on my face...

I just couldnt help but think of it..

It came from out of no where,

Just this random desire from somewhere deep within i guess...

I cant even explain why i even felt this way...

Since i told myself and banned myself i couldnt anymore...

But today i rebelled against myself and i couldnt stop thinking of you,

And that I missed you... i missed you a whole lot...

But not because i was missing what you did for me...

Quite the opposite actually, i just missed doing things for you...


Kissing you like i did when you were having a bad day.

Or hugging you to let you know someone cared

Today i missed getting you little things and giving them to you.

Writing you cryptic messages for you to solve..

I missed scratching your head and saying i love you...

And listening to your day, and helping you remember silly things...

I just missed those little things that ment so much...

Today i just wanted to be yours again.

Just for a moment...

I dont know... to let you know i care...

so deeply...

so strongly...

That I'd go hungry id go blind for you...

Cause today i just wanted to be your support.

Not for me.

But to see that contagous smile on your face.

To have the knowledge that i ment something to someone i love...

That i could help them be happy and be a part of that.

I just wanted that again... just for today.

Its not practical i know.

Its probably just the time of year or maybe its just the day...

But today i just really couldnt help but wish i could do something for you.

Cause i saw the big picture.

And i just wanted it... and i wanted it with you.

Cause today i remembered how good it was once apon a time.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Margery, but her friends call her Marge.

Today I drove up where i dont normally drive. For really no reason at all. In fact dinner was hot and was waiting for me at home, but i chose to drive the long way. I was enjoying the lovely snow on the mountains and the big beautiful houses when i saw Marge. Now let me tell you, I was in a hurry to get home to my food... and however lovely the drive was, i was regretting and wondering why i took the route i took, however, as i passed Marge, A thought occured to me to turn around. Quickly dismissing the thought i kept on down the road... but when i thought it again, I realized i had to turn around so i flipped a quick u-y. As i drove back up the road i was thinking how silly this all was and how weird i was being but i stopped at Marges house anyways. She had just made it down her drive way to retrieve her mail, when i pulled up beside her. I rolled down my window and i said "hello"... but she did not respond... at this point i considered driving away feeling quite foolish, but from out of nowhere i said "excuse me mam!" qutie a bit louder than i expected it would come out... and Cute little marge turned around... Five feet tall. Brown wig. Pink cane. Dentures. Huge warm winter coat. Bright red lipstick. There she was in all her cuteness. I asked her if i could help her up her drive cause i had noticed her struggle, and a huge grin came across her little face, and a sweet little "oh yes! thank you!". Now, as her driveway was long and steep and her speed qutie slow we talked. We talked about her arthritis and the weather. We talked about how she was the oldest in her ward and proud of it! We talked about where i lived, and we talked about my grandma. We talked about if i was married or not. We talked about my eye color, We talked about how she worked at the temple. We even talked about her memory and how many people she knew still. the most amazing thing happened.. Marge and i talked like old friends right up to her door... Today i am grateful for Margery. She told me that her friends call her Marge, and told me to call her that. As i opened the door for her she turned around with the most genuine smile on that little wrinkled 93 year old face and said " im so glad i made a friend today, thank you for stopping by." To which i reponded "it was my pleasure marge, have a good day!"

Marge may not even remember my name or how old i was, or that i am not really married, but i will remember her. I am so glad that i drove the long way, and that i turned around. I would have missed out on this precious opportunity. Sometimes, you just have to listen... even if you dont know why you are even doing it, but you just have to listen... and today as i listened i thought that i would be the one serving this young lady... but i was sorely mistaken... cause today as i drove away from Marges little white house on the hill i realized that Marge served me. She cared. And she smiled. She smiled the most genuine smile i have seen in a long time... What precious gift to recieve on this cool autumn day.

Dont throw away precious moments please.
Just listen.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Thumps echoed through the empty house as she ran down the stairs.

Her patience was done.

In her room she saw her bags in the corner and threw them on her bed.

She ripped open the zipper to her traveling bags and shoved it all inside.

Piece after piece after piece after piece after piece after piece.

She had to go as fast as she could.

Anger, pain, betrayal, loss, sadness, hurt, jealousy, confusion, holding on, fear, heartbreak, memories, pictures, sayings... everything.

It didnt matter if it was too big or not she jammed it all inside her little bags.

She couldnt afford them out anymore.

So she zipped them all into her bags.

She threw the bags over her shoulders and huffed up the stairs.

It was time. It was her day. She was in charge.

She threw her bag in the car and sped down the road.

Her train was calling.

With the one way ticket in hand she parked at the station and gathered her baggage.

And then she saw it. Her freedom; her beautiful train.

The train was long and shone in the sun.

It was full of excitment, and people, and wonder, set to go far away.

Perfection on a track.

She pulled the bags on the train and loaded them above an empty seat.

As she walked down the isle back to the door she entered from, a smile shone on her face.

She watched the beautiful train pull out from the station carrying her heavy baggage.

She smiled bigger than before.

The baggage she had carried around for far too long wasnt coming back.

It couldnt. Cause she wasnt with it any more.

She watched the beautiful train pull out of the staion and smiled,

Knowing that she was finally free from all her baggage that used to be.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Simply Favorite

Welcome Fall. I love you, and so do my boots, hats, scarfs, and sweaters. We are all just so tickled you're finally here :)

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Once upon a time there was a boy who was loved by a little girl.

She loved his positive additude and the smile he smiled her way with his eyes.
She loved his respect for women and for his preisthood.
She loved his funny little moods he would get in.
She loved how he cared for her and listened to what she had to say.
She loved how he had standards and followed them. no matter what.
She loved that he had never kissed a girl so he could get a gold CTR ring on his 16th birthday.
She loved that he wore his armor of god on a dog tag around his neck every day.
She loved that he had qutoes on his bedroom walls to uplift him and guide.
She loved that he had a testimony.
She loved how much he wanted to serve a mission and how focused he was on that.
She loved his family and how loving they were.
She loved how humble he was.
She loved his clean language.
She loved his clean thoughts.
She loved that he could always make her smile.
She loved that he was honest and helpful.
She loved that he would compliment her every day.
She loved that he openly loved his mommy and would talk about her like she was an angel..
She loved that he had so many stories to share with her.
She loved how thoughtful his gifts were.
She loved how you could ALWAYS see that glow in his eyes..
She loved him because he was good... good for her... good for him... good for god...
He was good people and had his life figured out.

but it is a sad day when you realize that your "once upon a time"- "knight in shining armour" has taken down his gaurd alittle and slowly let things in to change him...
Where did that boy go?
The one that i once respected so much?
The boy who had it all figured out..
That one...
Where did he go?
Why did he let down his gaurd...
He was on the right track....
He led me to the light...
I want that righteous fellow back...
The one i used to be amazed by his strength and determination...
I miss that continuious light that shone in his eyes like it once did..
Where is that boy that made a hard decision just to focus?
Where is the drive he had just four months ago to make himself his best self?
Where did that hidden treasure go?....
why did he have to change.. ever so slowly...

come back...
Not even for me...
It just breaks my heart when i know what you could be.
You were on the right track with your scriptures and your case.
And that ever glowing smile, that sat across your face.
PLEASE come back...
I know it cant be for me...
But it just breaks my heart when i know what your supposed to be
Think of all the people that will be affected by what you are doing today
They listen to you and wait to hear every word that you say.
please come back...
you were everything a little girl had ever wanted
but now that this person is missing... her memory is haunted
with memories of someone who used to be...
Please i beg for you to open your eyes..
for my words they do not dispise.

But please listen...
Cause im one of your biggest fans...
Rooting for you...
Waiting to smile at your life's success, in whatever it may end up being...
I know your potential and i want you to not settle for less...
I said i would care for you always, and those words will be true...
Cause i will always love the good that you do...
I saw that bright light in you, and the good choices that you made.
That knight in shiny armour and how you were brave..

I listened to what you wanted yourself to be someday...
So remember... someday is the future, and your futures today.

I believe in you.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hello my familliar stranger

I think about you alot now a days dear
Thinking its not too long until your actually here
You and I dont speak every day
But if we did this is what i would say...

I want you to know that i love you very much
That i think about you often
And i imagine your sweet gentle touch.

I want you to know that im always praying for you
That i wish for you the best
And i wonder if you think of me too.

I want you to know that your amazing and funny
That you're incredibly handsome
And that i honestly dont care if you have money.

I want you to know that im making me my best self
So that im everything you need
And so that who i am will match with yourself.

I want you to know that im excited for you and me
That just around the corner we will be
And that together we will be so so so happy...

I think about you alot dear
Where ever you are ...
Whoever you are...
Whatever you want...
Whenever i meet you... if its next year or five from now...

I want you to know that i love you very much and im proud of you already.
I really do pray for your happiness and for your safety and for your choices...
You mean more to me than alot of things right now, and i know that is silly but...
If your someday gonna be my everything, why not let you know that i love you...
cause i already know that i do. :)

My dear hubby, im excited to meet you- whoever you are.

(insert us here)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

This is the sound of Silence

I scream silence day by day.

from the start of this all i've swallowed my sadness.

from the begining of this all i've only cried in the corners.

from the first day i've tried to hide my torn heart.

from the begining of this all i've said sure whatever you say.

I scream silence everyday

My head yells to my heart to speak up you stupid girl.

But my heart yells back, no. It might hurt.

I scream silence day by day.

from the start of this i've tip toed around town

from the begining of this all i've been afraid of fear.

from this all happening i've taken in the tourment.

from the first day of this i've wallowed and let you walk on by.

I SCREAM silence everyday.

My mind wants to open my mouth and say how unfair this all is,

but my heart wants to break down and cry, afraid of making it worse.

So i scream my silence day by day.

Like a good little girl does.

keep it bottled up.

cause that way,

im the only one that has to deal with me...

why cant i just speak up...

when do i get my turn to speak,

when do i get a say in what happens..

when do i get to make a rule

when do i get to make you feel,

why cant i just say what i want too?

and i think i've realized why,

its because i am afraid of you...

Im afraid to make it worse,

Im scared to feel foolish.

Im afraid to be made fun of.

Im scared of what will be said.

Im afraid it wont make sense..

Im terrified you wont understand

I am scared that i will never speak up...

Why cant i just speak up...

Why must i scream my silence day by day?

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Pumping, pushing, driving me on.
Dont stop me.
I AM beautiful.
I AM funny.
I AM exciting.
I AM responsible.
I AM carefree.
I AM honest.
I AM Steffany Laurel Bird.

...And this is what gets me through...

Someday i will be loved and love so deeply.
Someday i will have a white picket fence.
Someday i will have little girls in piggy tails laughing with the dog in the yard.
Someday i will smile at sky the and remember what i thought would bring me happiness. Then i will smile bigger cause i am so much happier with what i have.
Someday i will read my personal poetry for strangers. They will snap.
Someday i will sleep under the stars next to my dream boat.
Someday i will make a dress that will look beautiful on me.
Someday i will write a book.
Someday i will read a book, in my home library.
Someday i will get in the car and just go go wherever the road goes.
Someday i will learn to surf. I will crash. I will taste salt water, but i will learn.
Someday i will run a marathon. then i will go sleep.
Someday i will visit new zealand.
Someday i will raise my children.
Someday i will get old and have sunday dinners for those that i love.
Someday i will learn to speak another language.
Someday i will have a bird. and he will live longer than 2 weeks.
Someday i will sing at my wedding and slow dance with my daddy.
Someday i will serve a mission.
Someday i will make cinnamon rolls on christmas.
Someday i will have spiral staircases in my home.
Someday i will kiss like they do in the movies in the rain.
Someday i will get over my fear of fish.
Someday i will take all day hiking but have a picnic on the top of a mountain.
Someday i will chase a rainbow.
Someday i will dance in the road like a loon but not care cause the moment was perfect for dancing.
Someday i will love my life even more than i do now.

Someday i WILL.

Someday is tommorrow.. and the next day... and four years down the road. Someday is when i decide, but its coming, No its here! Because i believe in me.

So stop! Get out of my way, i am on to bigger and better things. im leaving this behind. I buried everything in the back yard- Cause i dont need it. not one bit. I am me. I know what i want and that is all that matters. So stop get out of my way world. Cause my someday has arrived.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hold me

You know when you give it your all and its still not enough.

When you hold back your tears even though its tough.

You know when you smile its becuase you know you shouldnt cry

When you gave it your all but your left alone to sigh.

Today was kinda hard for me.

I am okay... I know i will be.

But as for now i miss you and wish you would hold me.

You know when you give it your all but you come up short

When you've put in your due to lead, but your only support.

You know when your parents say "are you okay?"

And when a weak "yeah" is all you can say.

Today was kinda hard for me.

I am okay, or at least i know i will be.

But as for this moment i wish you would hold me.

You know when you give it everything you got

But still in the backround you get caught.

You know when you tell yourself not to let it get to you

But you cant let the negative thoughts pass through...

Today was kinda hard for me i will admit.

But you know its in these days

We have to remember how beautiful we are.

That we are golden stars.

Just waiting to shine our rays.

Its this kind of day were you must just change your perspective alittle.

You should realize that life can and will be rough

So i suggest...

Pray to daddy to help you through...

He knows when you give it your all and its not enough

... but he also knows its not as rough if you follow the path he made for you...

Today was alittle hard for me.

I will be okay.

But im still gonna say,

I wish you could hold me... until im fully okay.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Guardian Angels

Over 3 thousand angels went back home ten years ago.
Daddy called them home without warning...

Today as i have thought of what has already been stated about this day, i thought of something that i would like to share. I dedicate this to those mothers who are crying today thinking of their lost son or daughter. I dedicate this to the children of the valiant firefighters. I dedicate this to the widows who are alone today. I dedicate this to the angels of 9/11. Daddy loves you, and your angels look down to watch over you today.

From the 87th floor a man waved his coat from the window. Flames where at his ankles and smoke above his head. In his last moments of life he threw his coat and took the determind step to attempt to climb down the 87 floors... when his fingers lost their grip daddy carried him home...

A father ran into the ruins to find his son, hoping that with every dust covered face his sons would be the next... The father was a fighter. A fire fighter. But he never found that familar face again. Daddy took his son home.

Smoke filled a feild in virgina... the men on the plane called their wives to say "dont worry, i love you" then they flooded the cockpit... they flew home to daddy.

The street littered with shoes made a muslim man stumble. He fell on his face. The tower fell behind him waiting to devour his body under its mass... but A jewish man ran by him and turned around, he held out his hand and helped a muslim man get up... his only words were "come on brother"...

Today is a day to remember those who fought. Today is a day to remember those who helped. Today is a day to remember what life is really about. It is a day of reverence.

When faced with a trial it shows who we really are. Ten years ago today, many changed their view on the world.

There is a sight just across the street from ground zero that i have been too. Tears are the only appropirate thing when you see the walls of ruins. When you see the names of the angels writen on the walls. When you see the ten thousand paper cranes made by the victims family members.

There is a real feeling of despair.

But life is not about despair. It is not about what you have lost or what you do not have. To me everything in life happens for a reason, and this day ten years ago, brought america together. It brought detemination. It brought change, re evalutaion of ones self. To me 9/11 was not to bring america to its knees but rather to make us stand and stand strong for something we care deeply about.

Over 3 thousand angels went home because daddy wanted them back.

Today i reflect on what i would have done if i were there that day.. Today i see the world differently. And i want to be different too... I want to be a fighter, like the father looking for his son. I want to brave like the man climbing the burning building. I want to tell those i love, that i love them because i'll never know when i will lose them. I want to help out my fellow brothers and sisters live and escape the deepest of dispair.

I dedicate this, my life, to those who went back to daddy trying to be like him.

To those who lost a loved one this day... they did not die in vain, they represent this beautiful place and strong nation of americans. They are the heros in our lives. Dont worry they are with daddy being our gardian angels.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I named him August.

I had a bird for 17 days once.

He had ice blue feathers and a few little purple ones on his head.

He had these little eyes with teenee tiny little eye lashes.

I would hold him on my fingers and he would cock his head to the side and chirp.

I had a bird once and he made me quite happy.

I named him: Little August Bird. (quite fitting wouldnt you say?)

His feathers reminded me of the clear august skys.

He made me happy like the August sky did

He was my little life i was responsible for.

And i loved August very much.

Little August bird lived for only 17 days in my care.

He was supposed to live for 12 years...

He died one day out of the blue...

I wasnt expecting it in any way shape or form...

But he left me.

I Buried him in the backyard next to a pile of wood and a rose bush.

I put rocks over his little birdy grave.

I said my words and shed my tears.

and it was over... he was gone.

I went to visit my little birds grave the other day, and a little flower was growing next to him...

A little "where the red fern grows" moment.

It was beautiful. And it made me feel peace.

It got my thoughts going...

August represented more than just a bird to me.

He was named after what made me the happiest girl in the world.

He represented that time when i grew wings and few too.

He was my symbol of love, that i was watching grow every day.

No matter how short or how suddenly it ended i loved August.

August was me. August was you.

I named that little bird August.

And even though we didnt make it to August together.

I am realizing that flowers grows in the oddest of places.

And that its okay cause when August had to go...

I know it was our time too...

Flowers grow in the oddests of spots. There is one on my heart.

And i know that i must not let my wings fail. The wings i grew in August must not go to waste.

I will fly because that is what August would have wanted.

Its what i want.

...just becuase one thing dies does not mean i should stop flying.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Fly free.

Love: a form of amnesia when you forget there are 1.2 BILLION other guys out there.

"so let go let go, jump in oh what what you waiting for, its alright cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Drown me in Nostalgia

I remember the smell of your shirt when you took it off your back and offered it to me as we sat down at the lake. I can still picture your face looking out at the lake. You were smiling. But it wasnt just a smile worn on your mouth. It shown through your eyes too... it was the smile you only gave to me... my favorite smile in the world.. I remember thinking how perfect the moment was... And it was perfect. There was a breeze whipping my hair around. I wore your flannel shirt to keep me warm. The moon shone on the water as it gently lapped up on the shore line... I close my eyes and it replays in slow motion like an old time movie...

I remember the deep red in the roses you brought me when i was done with my show. You surprised me, cause i didnt even think you were coming. But you stood there all by yourself smiling holding 12 red roses just waiting to give them to me. I kept those roses for three weeks, i couldnt bring myself to throw them away...

I remember climbing into the photobooth laughing my head off cause i was draggin you in. We were wearing matching shirts. Yellow. You looked so cute in yellow. I thought i knew everything so of course and i got the camera stuck at the bottom of the screen. You were too big for the booth in the first place so ducking down to the level of the camera was hilarious. Neither of us could stop laughing. 3 pictures of us laughing. And the last was the only planned one. Its still cant help but laugh and smile everytime i see it. My photobooth dream is my favorite picture.

I remember the cool breeze and watching the colored leaves fall all around us. I closed my eyes and smelt the chilled smell just before snow comes. I snuggled up into your navy blue sweater like i was getting close to a fire... you and i sat there together for only a half hour.. I talked. You listened. You were always a good listener... that was the moment when i realized really how much you ment to my little heart. I looked at the zipper on your sweater and i thought to myself that you would always be there for me and i knew it.. engrained in my mind is the ykk that sat on your chest that day...

I remember pulling on my hat to cover my ears and sticking my feet in snow boots- thinking they looked so silly, cause well, i wanted to be cute for you but i wanted to be warm too.. I headed up to your house and you smiled as you saw my snow getup... We held hands through our gloves and you led me to the sledding hill. We shared a sled. I screamed really loud when we tipped over in the snow, but it funny and we layed there laughin in the snow just looking at eachother. Someone started a snow fight and i got in the middle of it. Your friend shoved me to the ground. My head stopped the fall... it hurt. But i held in the tears trying to be brave ... before i knew it you had me in your arms and were carring me inside... you whispered in my ear.. "its okay i got you"... and i let the tears fall on your shoulder... my knight in shining snowsuit.

I remember being suspicous of what you were doing cause i knew something was up. You called me and told me to come to your house. I arrived and you told me to close my eyes. You took my hands and led me to your back porch. I opened my eyes and frankly it was perfect. You had spent all day making your porch the perfect setting. You had strung lights everywhere, they softly glowed in the background. The sun was setting just over the lake, the oranges and pinks and purples painted the sky. Candles were on the beautifully decorated tabletop. My favorite flower, food, and dessert sat on the table waiting for me to partake... You tried to get tickets for my favorite singer, but it was sold out so you turned on her cd.. You asked me if i would dance with you, and so of course we did. We danced that night- under the sunset, under the lights.. to my favorite songs.. with my favorite person...

I remember giggling as i ran in your overly sized clothes to my car... you chased me there. I sat against my car and you leaned down smiling with those big brown eyes and kissed me. You opened my door and i climbed in but i wasnt ready to go. I wanted to go back to the couch were we had been and go back to sleep just to wake up to you watching me again... but i couldnt... you closed my door, drew a heart on my window... and watched me drive down the road... You held up those big hands above your head like the proudest person in the world... you wore that huge smile on your face... and you made a heart with those hands.. I watched from my rear view mirror until i couldnt see you anymore...

I remember i do... I remember... do you?

It supposed does not matter if you do or dont, but i have learned in this little life of mine...

Not to cry because its over, but to smile because it happened.

I live. I laugh. I learned. I loved.

Life is good.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Home is wherever

Ive been walking out front becuase that was once a safe place...
Because that is where home was... with that brown eyed boy
Ive been pacing out front waiting and hoping for the door to open
but i just put miles on my shoes this way cause the lock wont turn.

I have been here waiting, remembering what steps i took with you
What places you took me to, and how you went there smiling.
My shoes are worn down, and i dont want to wait, but i stay here...
At the steps that i took with you once apon a time and i wait.

Its point less to wait here. I know that. Because out front a for sale sign sits.
You have moved on. You are gone. The lock will not turn for me again.
I pace out front and watch others walk in... i see the lock open for them... but never for me.
No more should i come to this familiar safe place, its not my home anymore..
Your not coming back.
Im wearing my tennis shoes down in a pointless pace...

As i put one foot in front of the other i remember that last encounter i had with you...

You locked the door and i tried to visit once in awhile- knocked on the door.
You let me in a few times, we sat for an hour in the front room... and made small talk, laughed a little... but i saw your glances at the clock and at the door... so i got up and left...
I heard the lock squeak behind me as i walked down the street. Like I was never there.

You've changed. The lock has hurt me in more than one way, it keeps me from the familar home i once knew... and it has hurt you too. I dont know the brown eyes i once did, for they have changed. And i feel like they have change ever so slowly, but over the time, my familar brown eyes are a different shade... they only look over me... not at me... not like you did for so long... you've changed... I hate the bulky metal unbreakable lock on the door... it has killed my brown eyed boy... it has killed my home.

I have been walking here on the steps i once took to get home.
But now as i realize this lock will not open... i walk down the steps past the "for sale" sign of someone i used to call home...

"home is whenever im with you"

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Terminal 2

I love the air port. Ever since i was a little girl i squeal when we take the turn off the highway to get there. And repeatedly say "oh i love the airport!!" then my mom or dad laugh at me but i dont care. I love the smell, the hustle and bustle of all the people, the little stores, the cars, the EVERYTHING! I absolutely love the airport. Its just so interesting.
It represents alot of things- reunion, excitement, surprise, sleepiness, new people, new land, new adventures, and of course parting.
I went to the airport yesterday to drop off my new zealand friend, grace. She went inside with my mommy and i was left sitting in my car to watch the people at terminal 2. Stalker? yes. but i didnt care cause well, love the airport and i love the people at the airport.
To my left i watched a man on the phone, i watched asians pull up in a lexus, in an audi and even in a land rover... alot of asians (rich)... any who. There was a cowboy in full get up- boots, hat, and even belt buckle. There was a mom pushing her handicapped daughter in a wheelcar. I watched as a couple had there last embrace- both were crying and kissing one another. I got to witness a mom and her two litle kids say goodbye to there daddy- he wore a military outfit, he leaned down to kiss his wife and hug his kids, then tears in all their eyes he turned and went inside- i lip read as he walked across the street. "i love you" then he saluted.

As i watched the people at the airport i realized the value of a person, of course i knew this before, that we were all valuable but this was different. The people at terminal 2 changed me a little, I was surprised by the wealth of asisans and thought that the sterio type was more ture than i thought. I was thrilled to see a cowboy walking around like he was in a western movie and that he was about to call his horse to ride him into the sunset. I was touched by the love of a mother helping her daughter do something that to me seems so simple- moving from place to place. My heart felt the hugs and kisses of the couple saying goodbye... i wondered if they would ever see eachother again, i wondered if she would move on and kiss another when she left... i cried when that composed man hugged his children and kissed his wife then turned with tears in his eyes to go serve.. serve for his family, for the united states, for me...

I loved the airport before i went, but now i realize i love the airport even more because it represents love for one another. I didnt know any of those people i saw yesterday but i felt like i did. I felt the love they had for one another. And that touched my little heart as i sat in the car waiting at terminal 2.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


I love life :) i do.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

just four little letters.

Its that feeling you know so well.

Where your heart picks up its pace like its going somewhere, like it is going to jump out of your chest and do a little dance.

Its that feeling you miss so much.

Where you wish that at night when you lay your head down that it were laying there with you. Right next to you. Tied to you. Never letting go.

Its that feeling you wish for.

When you are driving alone and "your" song comes on. Your mind plays back exactly where you were and how you danced and how he smiled at you.

Its that feeling that confuses me.

I want it so badly, but realized i miss giving it more. with every fiber in me, i want to give.

Its that feeling i felt last night.

When i layed in the grass and took a stroll down memory lane. My eyes closed i just remember what we had said, done and laughed at on that same grass.

Its that feeling that makes you crazy and sane.

Its that feeling that keeps you up at night but puts you to sleep.

Its that feeling that makes me and breaks me.

Its that feeling that brings so much hurt yet so much joy.

Its that feeling again.

I felt its sweetness last night.

Its that feeling again.

That familar feeling of love.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Opposition in All things

The bright beautiful colors of a sun rise would never be as briliant without the night.
To truly appreciate a clean dish you have to see it filthy.
Summer would hardly be as special if we didnt have to go through nine months of school.
A paycheck would not be as satifying without the hours of work you put forth to get it.
Food in a hungry tummy wouldnt be as filling without first the aching hunger.
Seeing a person for the first time in a while wouldnt be as exciting if you had seen them every day for ten years.
To truly appreciate togetherness, you must first be alone.
A soft pillow wouldnt be as comforting without sleepy eyes.
Sweat must fall in hours of practice to feel victorious when you have won the final game.
Flowers never look more beautiful when the creep up through the last melting snow.
Air conditioning feels best when stepping out of the pounding heat.
Smiles are never brighter then after a good cry.
Confidence comes from being unsure at first.
Hot waffles taste better after a week of wheaties for breakfast.
Blue skies are never more blue then after a rain storm.
To know what peace is, you have to know what stress is.
New life would not be as valuable without the knowledge of a passed loved one.
Feeling healthy is best after you have been sick.
Happiness is learned only after you learn what sad is.
White looks cleaner, next to black.
To know what love is you must experience hurt.

To truly appreciate life, you must see the opposition in all things.
Cause it makes the bright, even brighter.
And that is beautiful.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The clouds roll across the sky puffy and white.
The birds chirp their little songs and life could never be better.
Fun, laughter and smiles. You're out and about with so many people.
With all the friends and girls you please.

I sit here and find myself struggling. At little things, stupid things. Yet they hurt.
Clouds roll over my head now adays but i dont go out to see them. I sleep or write.
I cry about the old days. I want to be out and about too but havent a clue who to call...
And they dont call me... and if someone does. im at work. and its too late.
Over so much time my relationships dwindled with others and there isnt much left.
Its my fault i know, and that makes it worse.
But it was an accident cause well, i was head over heels for you...
Dont get me wrong, im happy that you're happy.
you just wont see it on my face.

For you the earth kept spinning
For me... it didnt.

it hurts to be replaced.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


A light knock on the door woke me up this morning. courtneys small terror struck voice whispered "Daddys in the hospital"...

It's a surreal feeling as you walk into the ER of the hospital. You pass all those people waiting and wonder what it is that you will be seeing in a very short amount of time... Your heart stops beating for a minute as you walk through the doors and you see the room number that you are suppossed to walk through. Room number 40. He laid in the bed in his hospital clothes talking to the officer, his head lifted just enough to see the deep red blood stain on the pillow. two at a time in the room so, i waited outside in the waiting room. you repeat the nurses words "its a miracle he is alive" over and over and over again...

Just another normal day, he left to go to work around 6:30. Im sure he checked his mirrors like he usually does, and probably adjusted the seat like always but today, his missed the seat belt.. Not but five minutes from his office he stopped at a red light for a moment, and a moment it was... for there was only enough time to hear the brakes scream behind him before the impact. The white truck hit the back of his little subaru and launched the car through the interection into a cement island across the intersection... glass few all over the road the car completely totaled... he was inside...

I want to thank those people who stopped their cars and their lives for him. I want to say thank you for all those saints to went and called for help. I want to say thank you to the officers and the paramedics who carefully used the jaws of life to cut him out, and put him in the ambulence. I want to thank my heavenly father for letting him live today. Cause he is my daddy, my one and only daddy and i love him very much.

It was weird to pass the place that it happened and see the car totaled. It was weird to see the road cones and signs alerting everyone to use a different pathway cause there was an accident... I thought to myself, i wonder what people are thinking.. i wonder what peole said, i wonder if they thought of us... even though i knew they didnt know me or my family, but i wondered still the same...

Tuesday June 14th. 8:00 am. My daddy got hit at 50 miles an hour by a drunk driver. He wasnt wearing a seatbelt. Please anyone who reads this, there are two lessons to be learned. One: no matter how good of a driver you are always wear your seatbelt, you never know who you'll run into... or who will run into you.... And two, miracles happen. every day.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

thats all.

so many words to say yet i havent a word to mutter tonight.