Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Difference

There is something i love. I just simply love.
And it is character in those i know. It is the thing that makes them different from everyone else. That thing that creates interest in me. I love those who's characters are strong and willfull, knowing what they want. I love the ones that are more quite and reserved, i love the ones who are more than anything inspiring. I love the difference in people. Those people who dont try to stand out but do, i love those people who dont try to just be another flower on the wall. I love the people with character. Yes i do, they are just incredible to me.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The most beautiful thing

Happiness overwhelms my life i dont want to hold it back,
Every part of me wants happiness to just shine through...
So that is what i will do.
It is just too beautiful to not have :)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Perfect Piece to my Puzzle

I feel like a cloud in a perfect blue sky,
Like socks on slightly chilled toes
Like a big warm hat over red little ears

I feel like a magestic flower blooming
Like a seed flying around in the breeze
Like a long rusty key in an anquie door

I feel like a little fishy swimming in the ocean
Like earbuds to a shiny new ipod
Like long white curtains to a window

I feel like a genuine smile on a face
Like a hearty laugh in my ears
Like the glowing sun kissing my skin

I feel like a pink flowery dress on a little girl
Like mud pies on a little boy
Like soft skin on a new born baby.

I feel like i never have before.
Like this world is peaceful,
Like my dark dangerous storm has passed,
And i am at home again.

I feel... right ..
This feels right.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

And i owe it to you

There is a man in our home videos that picks me up high above his head as i squeak and squeal at the top of my lungs laughing and panting at how much fun i am having with him.

There is a man that smiles on my bedroom wall in my room, he wears a big yellow rain coat and his face so funny, but loving i am there.

There is a man that lives in my thoughts incouraging me to always to my best steff. " you can do it, i am here "

There is a man that takes me to play tennis with him and laughs as i miss but says good job when i hit it right.

There is a man at my grandma's house helping that little old lady with so much sincerety in his voice, just wanting to help her knowing her fragile body cant do it any longer.

There is a man that has always been in my life, someone who has been my knight in shining armor many times, in more ways than i can even tell.

There is a man in my memory teaching me how to ride my pink barbie bike, being so encouraging as i scream down the road, he catches me and makes me feel safe.

There is a man in my house who welcomes everyone with a smile and wants to be chiverous and kind, that whole heartedly man.

There is a man who knows what is important and what isnt, and protects me from the danger and sickness in this world.

There is a man that deserves more than what i can write, cause he has helped me and so many others in more ways than i can even write.

There is a man that loves a woman, and they are in this together showing me through example what i want when i grow old.

There is a man whom i love so much, and he has never not loved me from the moment he held me so small and new in his arms.

There is a man in this world that named me steffany with two f's because that was easier to remember.

There is a man that teaches me what i should know and helps me grow, mind, body and spirit, and helps me know determination hard work and effection.

There is a man who i feel very lucky to know.
And i love you very much daddy.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories you have provided.
I owe you one.
My hero.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Last words

I guess, i am human, certain things keep me warm and others freeze me...

I need to write my slow motion scene down, so i can get on...

It needs to be done.

Alice with her voice raging down the road, took me to the sight of the last time i would see him...
My hair loosely tucked into a cap, wearing my finest sweat pants and t shirts, no make up, just me, i had a lovely night up until i turned the corner. Alice's lights hit him... and her... and.... her. Both of them just sitting on the curb, as if they knew i were coming... i sat there, in my car, took a deep breath and thought to myself, this will end badly, i took my key out of the ignition and turned off the lights... slow motion took over, i opened the car door went around the front of alice and faced him... and her... by this time, outrage running in my veins, wondering what i should even say, what i should even do, what was going to happen next... and as the conversation continued, my eyes leaked onto my shirt, onto my palms, onto the road, into my soul... my ears must have decived me, ask the same things over and over... and i lost control... slow motion i lost myself, broken in two, the face i had stared at for hours and hours in total bliss, with it smiling right back at me, was as solid as stone, no emotion no concern no sincerety... my broken soul had to find justice... my legs, feet and hands hit his stone wall of a face and body... with each contact, the person i once knew more than myself broke, brusing my hand and ankle, each hit slow motion i closed my eyes and let the tears roll down my soaking cheeks as i remembered all the times i jokingly did this same thing, jokingly hit, for fun and all the times we would laugh, or he would hold me so tight nothing could touch me, but... all the fun times we had were falling off my body and chipping off his with each hit, i broke us until we were and i realize i dont know him... the neighbors came out as if it were a show, but i didnt care, he broke my world with his selfishness... the yells echoed in my head and down the street...
And they echo in my mind now as i realize all the years of good memories and all the tender moments i shared with him were ending in one fight that could not be fixed. one fight i didnt want to mend... going to the swings, chasing one another around, falling asleep one his chest, him doing the same, the words that had been said, the feelings i felt... gone... like before...
And i am done. I dont need anymore slow motion scenes for they last far too long. The only thing i have left from him are the brusies on my leg and the tear in my heart, those are the last things i will ever get from him.
I swear on my life. I will fix this, and never look back.

Turn the page... No, Change the Book...

I am an author to my own story,
The characters i choose to write in, i dont even fully know,
But as i write my story, i learn them better,
Some are evolving, some are at a dead stop but one thing i do know about my characters,
They all effect me.
I write some good chapters and some bad,
I write some happy and a few more sad,
But i write them and feel them in my bones..
With each page i fill, a new memory told.

Unfortunately, sometimes an author slips up and creates a terrible story,
One that no one want to know...
Including the writer.

Unfortunately I am a writer who a has written a bad book,
So i must redeem.
The book i have written is a sad sad tale one of hurt and love and lies, cheating and anger and
hoping and longing, a book that sits on a shelf and no one wants to pick up or even dust off...
So i must be the author to fix my own story,
It is far to late to change the pages written,
Because i wrote with my red inked pen,
Inpossible to remove.

With all that has been written i cannot hope to change that story,
But i can write a new one.
I will not just simply add a new chapter to the last and call it good.
I must start over, completely over.
Close the covers of my smeared red ink hand and salty tear ridden pages.
And make a new book with the chapter i know i need to write.

I am an author writing my own book,
My own new book,
With good characters i know and trust,
With everything i need and want to create a beautiful story,
I wont be ashamed or afraid to share.
I am the Author to my own story,
With my first line already figured out...
Life is an adventure. You start it knowing nothing, then over time you learn where to go.


I have to say it like it is,
You hurt me again.
And i Didn't think you would...

I am going to say it like it is,
I was naive
And i Let you in once more

I have to say it like it is,
You were a huge part of me
And i know you knew that

I have to say it like it is,
Because i need closure for myself
So i can move along.
You said you loved me,
And i believed.
So in return i loved you too
Your lies have come up short again,
And i hurt... again.
But to me you are nothing now,
And i think i was dumb to stick around anyways...
I guess a girl has to learn somehow.
I said it like it is.

And i am going to say it like it is going to be.


I will be me.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Open Your Lips and Let the Sound Come Out

Fear is such an interesting thing,
It drives you to do things you wouldn't normally do....

I am scared, scared of what is going to come, what is happening,
Scared of this whole thing,
Scared of you and scared of me...

Say something,

I need to hear it.

I need you to speak.

Calm me down, insure a little confidence into me.

I know it is wrong to let others into your life and allow them to control you in some ways, but i am not going to lie, i like what i have... To a certain point... Am i really happy?...
I am afraid i caused this...
I am happy, when i am next to you, when i can see you, hear you, smell you, touch you... anything with you,
But i am too attached, too early...
I made my life too hard...
I did this to myself...
I hate this...
Its not fair...
A waiting game that will seem to last a life time.

Why do i have to do such stupid things?..
But at first it sounded so smart...
I decive myself...

The other end of this...
Tell me, are we matching?
Are you not concerned at all?
Speak speak speak..
I feel like i am going crazy, locked up in my own head...

Wonder Wander

I wonder how much hope i have bundled in the wrong idea...
I wonder what is really going wrong right now when i think its right...
I wonder what is in store for me, and for what i want, can i have it...
I wonder if you read this...
I wonder if anyone can tell where my words come from...
I wonder if i am too depressing, too happy, too critical, too... something....
I cant help but wonder....

But the more i wonder, the more i wander,
And the more confused i get...

I wonder what i can do and cant do, so then i wander into the territory of my unknown, and the more confused i get... You see because then i try to do what is right maybe after its too late, and
then feelings get hurt and silence begins and i am miserable again...

So maybe i should stop this stupid wondering that seems to cost me,
I am sick and tired of being taxed for being me...

I am running myself over, and over again...
But this is all too strong to be stopped, everything is too important to me,
So i continue the strength of my own disaster...
Killing me... all by myself...

Cant i change?...

Stop wondering steff.
Stop wandering steff.
Be normal.
Be someone else...

Sometimes, i simply hate me.