Saturday, February 27, 2010

10 years

I once lived in this one place, actually i lived there for ten years of my little life i call mine. What a glorious place that was, Park city Utah, that glorious place. When i think of this place i used to call home so many emotions come flooding back, how i loved that place, how wonderful it was. But like every story, its not all good, so when i think of this place i cant help but see its weaknesses as well...

I was in 1st grade, i loved my sunflower jumper, black with yellow sunflowers all over, connected to the top was a denim jacket, i thought i was so cute in that, so i would wear that all over the place. with my hair in two little piggy tails everyday. Life consisted of my best friend in the whole world and me. My neighbor quinn. How i actually miss him, he was my side kick although he would say i were his, i really know how it was. Our favorite past time was my swingset in the backyard, that purple blue swingset was so fun, we would pretend it was our spaceship or our ship, or when it would rain we would build the " best rain fort" anyone had ever seen around it. In the summer, every day we would go grasshopper hunting, that was our favorite. Each of us holding our gatorade bottles just waiting until our hopper was inside. I cant even remember how many poor little things i drown or killed from lack of oxygen, food, or space to even stand on, but me and quinn where the best at finding them. If we got lucky we would get to go snake hunting with his dad. Those were my favorite days. I brought one home and i called it jim, my mom hated him so, quinn got to keep him. Sad day but i got over it. Life was full fun and i was having the time of my life just playing with my best friend, nothing else in the world mattered. Our bike compittions were always fun, skylar up the street would always win of course but my sister quinn and i would always try to ride faster than him or, go off more jumps than him, but we always lost. Dolly up the street had an electric car, that was were i felt on top of the world, driving in the barbie car i could probably run faster than, even at such a young age. My sister and i always enjoyed playing with our prized barbies, throwing them off the porch with bags tied to them letting them " go skydiving" haha oh how many barbies were killed in there heroic adventures. Quinn got a dog in 3rd grade, his name was zeke. Of course quinn and i were still inseperable, best friends forever. I was scared of that dog that was two times the size of me, i had good reason, he was mean. My best friend had to put a fence up in the yard. That was a very sad day. Our yards no longer touched in the backyard. We got seperated. Never the less we made it work. Winters were the best, endless sledding, skiing and snowboarding adventures in the backyard. We would pile snow over my porches 25 steps to create a slope or skiing or snowboarding or even sleeding. Cant even count how manytimes we sled into the neighbors window well, that was great fun, crying my eyes out stuck in the earth. Quinn would always help me out, he was wonderful. Atop of the many snow activities we would have, we also tried the barbies adventurous way of flying, my porch, 15 feet off the ground in my backyard, we would jump off the railing flipping and diving into the snow below, those were the days. One time Brittany Quinn and i went to the park on our bikes with blown up tubes around our boddies, that was a sight to see, it would have been faster to walk. The days back then passes with ease, the only thing i had to worry about after school was walking or rather running the two blocks home, before i peed my pants (even back then i hated school bathrooms). By 4th grade i realized that quinn and i were different genders. When his friends all started taking off there shirts, and i couldnt take my shirt off with them, i think that is when i realized i needed a girl to be friends with, and that is were avery hunter and kalina came into play. Kalina lived one street up from me, avery was in my class and so was hunter. Avery hunter and i became unseperable, best best best friends. I was always over at avery's. I think i miss her the most. That kind soul is one of a kind, a lucky man will someday sweep her off her feet and i hope to be there. She is still the same person i fell in love with, and that is the best part. She was my best friend for sure, we did everything together, hunter was always there but me and ave, were ALWAYS together. Country music, making up dances, msn, and so much more i can remember her like yesterday. Kalina and i always had to go to the park, i guess you could say that was our 'thing'. Our favorite thing to do was go to the pocket park, oh how sad that park truly was cause you shouldnt even call it a park. A lot that couldnt be sold so, they put some grass down, a big rock, and an overly sized sandbox. Now this sand box was mostly clay, and cat poop. But we still played there. I have no idea why, but we did. Maybe because it was only three houses down the road or maybe we thought the clay was fun who knows, but we were there all the time. If not at the park we would be at my house on the driveway, drawing roads on the cememt so that we could play on our scooters, and pretend like we could dive. Our lemonade stands were one of a kind. My house on being on a busy road at all we would perch at the end of my drive way with maybe 6 cups of lemonade. Determind that we would become rich charging 25 cents a glass. I think once we got 2 dollars. Best 6 hours of my life. Needless to say those didnt happen very offten. When i wasnt playing with my friends me and my sisters would go outside and play birds. Sweet irony i know but it was one of our favorites. We would build a nest out of grass, and most the time it was my neighbor candy's grass, she hated this game but we wouls still play it. Pick the longest grass and put it in a circle to create the nest, then fly around with your arms out and tweet. Great game. The few days that i wasn't outside playing i was inside. My house. I loved that house with all my might. Most days it was just me and my big sister home wathcing the little girls. Our parents always at the office, this part of life is were it was hard. Mom and dad weren't happy when they would come home. Tired, they used the rest of their enrgy at home yelling or arguing with one another. Our house never was very clean. My sisters and i incharge of cleaning you would only imagine the kind of clean we would do. This part of my life was sad, countless times can i remember crying myself to sleep, while my parents screamed in the backround to my sobs. Sometimes i just wished that it would stop, my sisters and i would protest sometimes and all sit on the stairs crying begging them to stop. Not every house is perfect, clearly and that is where my home was shaky. We are okay now. More than okay now but before was a different story. Around 6th grade i started to realize that life was more than bug hunting and parks. I now attended Ecker Hill Middle School. What a good school. I had just gotten out of my fat stage, and became obsessed with fashion. Clothes hats, scarfs, shoes, shoes and shoes. To releif my stress from home life i would go shopping with my shopping buddy kalina. That was fun. I wasted so much money. Early in the mornings kalina and i would go to park city bagel for breakfast then to booster juice, before catching the city bus to ride to school. I loved those days feeling so independent. 7th grade came and quinn and i were mortal enimies, i have no idea what happened. One of the things that i am least proud of, losing him as a friend. I went out with duncan alger, thought i was in love, but realized that no way was i very soon after i thought i was. In the winter would always go skiing with my skiing buddy alisa, who truly is and has been my friend for forever. 7th grade standing at the bus stop waiting for our bus 6 pink to take us to the ski resort. So independent. We would leave in the moring satrudays and come home evening, almost every saturday, alone. Some times i wonder now what i was doing at 13 riding all over the city with another 13 year old or my 10 year old sister. Oh well it was wonderful. I loved the city bus. 8th grade i moved up to the big school Treasure Mountain International Middle School. I was on top of my game at acedemics and i loved where i was at socially, everyone knew my name, that may sound snobby but i had a lot of friends. Joeseph Palmer was one of my best friends, we would talk on the phone for hours every night, talking about his swimming or anything really. And when i found out that half way through the year i would be moving to Provo Utah, i bawled my eyes out. He and alisa were the first to to know that i was leaving. Both were so sad they cried as well. I thought i loved joseph, but forced myself to stay away from that idea. I remember my first night in my new house. No furniture in my new bedroom, i sat down in the middle of it called joe joe and cried for 3 hours over the phone with him. One of my most memorable experiences. Provo utah was not my home, i was so sad to be leaving my home park city. And although it was so sad and hard at the time, i find that moving to provo has been the biggest blessing in my short life. Park City will stay with me forever and i will always love the memories but this is were i am supposed to be and i believe that provo is my home now. I love my home and would never move back to that town park city. Ten years of my life were lived there, but i never felt like i was living, despite the fact that their everyone is "living the life" i would rather stay here in my little happy valley and live my life the way i am. Thank you park city to all the wonderful memories you gave me but that was just a short little chapter in my book, im off to other places writing my story i can finally live.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Days like Today

On a day like today
I thank my big brother up that way
For the soft sunny sky
That makes me want to fly.

On a day like today
Nothing in this world seems gray
The world is my solace place
And a smile never leaves my face.

On a day like today
I am glad i crossed your way
Cause you make me feel happy
And i dont even care if that seems sappy.

On a day like today,
The world seems like its mine
Everything is more than fine.

On a day like today,
I will scream and say
This place is so very wonderful
I love how very colorful.

On days like today,
I am happy to be alive.
I am glad i had tough times to make
Days like these thrive.

On days like today
I might even say Hooray!
I love today :)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Humble Abode

I finally made it home.
I'm here, and a little more grown.
I went away for awhile,
But now i am here once again.
Home, my long lost wonderful friend.

I cried when i came back.
My little house was under attack.
So I went away for awhile,
But i am laying on my home floor,
Now with a lock installed on my door.

I love this place i left for too long
And i will admit it was wrong
That i went away for awhile,
But i am breathing like before
This place called home i adore.

I need my home...
I needed to come home.

And now i am here.
My little soul will not shed another tear
For being away, another day,
Cause i am here to stay.
I am here to stay.

Flying Steps

Today i was walking to that one place i love.... With every step a beat to match my content heart. Walking to ease my already calmed soul, meditation maybe, absoluetly enjoyable? Yes. Like a movie was playing my head as i walked to the voices in my ears, singing their enjoyable tunes. How i love to walk walk walk. Especially on days like today. When the wind is blowing my hair, but hardly at all. As the coldness reminds me of my nice warm sweater - and that makes me think of a big warm hug... And the snowflakes drop down on my nose until it is crinkled and wet...They stuck to my eye lashes blocking a perfect view, but i loved it. Every second of it. As i passed this little place i call home, where the leaves on the trees sing songs of joy and the white picket fences are a little worn down. Thinking to myself how truly wonderful it is that i can even walk through this area of a place we call earth. I lift my head up to the sky to thank the one that made all that i was passing, and saw a little bird flying in the breeze, and even though i was walking, that was me. As free as the bird. I passed a large beautiful tree with its roots coming out of the side walk, just wanting to be free, it was a magnificent sight but i was the bird not the empressive tree. Although the tree was large and profound, i was Free like the bird, i would never be held down, I was on top of my world just enjoying the life all around little old me. I must have walked home with a big goofy smile on my face the whole time cause my cheeks hurt when i arrived to my favorite destination. My nose cold kissed and a rosy appearance to my face, i was a free little bird just happy to have whatever was here for me.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mother Nature Wears Perfume Too

The sky turns gray from a vibrant bright lovely blue. As the clouds roll over the picture perfect summer backdrop, only one thought runs through my head. The white fluffy clouds that you find animals and smiles and stars in are now a mass of gray, a welcomed gray. These clouds mean one thing, rain. The sweet wonderful earth quenching rain. What a wonderful gift from god. Rain. It cleans even the most far corners of the earth, every single nook and cranny. So wonderful. it brings a feeling of letting go, of breathing of just sitting and taking in earths natural perfume- cause that is what rain is too, the most glorious smell. Clean. Like it is a new blank canvas after a storm, white and pure. A clean sheet out of the dyer. Or a block of molding clay, just ready to be reshaped once again. Rain, every emotion in the rain feels ten times stronger and i cant explain why, but its true. Maybe that is because it is falling down on you, and every thing you feel inside is now falling down on you from the heavens above... that same place that gave you the feelings from the inside... who knows? Puddles gather in the cracks and collect the wonderful perfume. Of course now i must go jump in them cause then i can feel like the earth, clean. Pure. Blank and ready for my new shape. I love the taste the smell the feeling the emotion the charater of rain. Rain inspires me to do things like walk my silly little doggy, or go on a run in my shorts with my ear muffs. Rain inspires me to sing at the top of my lungs and dance around like a fool but i dont even care cause it is the beautiful feeling that the rain provides my little soul. Rain inspires me to clean my room or wash my hair, do something spontanious or clever. Rain to me is so refreshing i feel like i jumped in a can of sprite. Just too wonderful to even describe. Oh i hope that the rain persists cause i love how the earth is when it rains. I love the person that i am when it rains. Happiness seems to slow down and you feel it for so much longer in the rain. And sadness reflects in the puddles on the ground in the rain. The rain knows who i am and i know it well too. How i love the rain. I just might move to seatle.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Perfect Excuse for a Holiday

Basically.... its Valentines today.
Also known as Single awareness day...
The day were you know if have someone or not...
Even if you dont care... you still know by the end of the day.

Its stupid you see, this whole holiday we celebrate today...
Well the idea of love and all it great dont get me wrong,
But really do we need a day were we all get all smoochy?
Do we need a day when all couples everywhere are all seen everywhere?
Do we really need a candle lit dinner and a bear hug teddy bear?
Ya i didnt think so...

This wonderful day was made for all the card companies
And all the chocolate companies that wanted more money.
Silly if you ask me. Just silly.
I dont need a single day for love, or a single day to show love.
I dont need flowers or cards or chocolates either.

For me i would rather have a little love everyday then one big thow up vomiting of love today.
Good company, friends, smiles and giggles show me love.
That is simply all i need.

So really everyday should be the feeling of beloved Valentines day right?
Hmm... oh well, maybe im just silly with my points of view...

But that is just me, silly old me and this is just valentines day,
Silly old valentines day.

I think i will try to incorperate the feeling of valentines into everyday life,
cause everyone seems to be happy when someone has shown they care.
So here i go to show the world love, every single day.
Not just today....
Oh you silly silly holiday!


By far one of my favorite poems someone has ever written....
i thank you. it has saved me.

There's a broken heart that can't be fixed tonight.Tomorrow, or the next day.And we the ones trying to fix it.Have run out of words to say. Words to heal.Words to explain, there's no more words to steal.Will her wound ever mend? will the scar disappear?Will the storm clouds she lives beneath clear?It breaks my heart, seeing hers destroyed.When she fell for him, her parachute never deployed.She fell to the ground, without a moment of thought.She hit rock bottom. And he watched as she fought.Struggling to survive, to find another breath.She's barely alive, barely escaping death.I kneel here on one leg, offering my finest prayer.Wishing for the best, as i streak my fingers through my hair,"Give her strength to move on, give her strength to find that sunny morning""Let her realize what she's getting into, so next time she'll remember without a warning""Help her feel the warmth of the summer season, and forget about winters treason""Help her become herself, and find the feeling we all long for""Open for her, another door."

honestly i cried to myself that someone would think of me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Clocks Speak

11:11 make a wish...

you to come back like he did.
or the way that i am dreaming of my head.
you to mean what you say,
and not hurt another soul.

11:11 make a wish....

you would look me in the eyes like he did
and say the same words.
you would hold me tight like he did
and never let go even until we melted together

11:11 make a wish....

you would never never never have done what has caused this
that everything could just erase itself and go away
you would be the person i need and know i want
that my standards didnt have to be compromised to be with you

11:11 make a wish...

that she could be gone and that i could be
that it could go back back in time like we once were
that everything was simple and not complex

11:11 make a wish....

you can be john, and i will be savanah
we can write
and you will answer. truthfully...

11:11 make a wish....

and i wish that these things could happen in real life
by the kiss of the clock and the strike of the hand

11:11 make a wish....

that i will be able to forget.

11:11 make a wish....

no more wishes, its childish and unreal...
this is how it is. and will be. grow up. its not changing.
not for me or anyone else...
I can kiss a clock or kiss you goodbye.

11:11 make a wish...

nothings changing, but the minute on the clock.

11:12 goodbye my wishes.

Script Writing

When life gets you down write
When life is doing alright write
Life life life write write write
Movie Script ending dont really exist
So write your own life out.
Life so unpredictable write your own story.
Let it out and share your story!

Share whatever comes to mind cause it will just be a chapter.
No need to worry if you mess up...
Then next chapter can simply fix it.
Write until your head hurts
Until your hands cramp and your fingers cease
Write write write.

Write your own movie script ending.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Living the White

My point of view is totally altered.

Its weird.

For so long to think only one way. To want with all your heart only one thing. All the thoughts circling around in your head really orbiting this main thought. Your little heart keeps beating and pumping, working so hard thinking that it is one beat closer to the day something could happen. Walking each step thinking you are one foot closer to the dream on your horizon. Living each day to be 24 hours closer to what your whole body aches for. For so long thinking that way, its weird to not care after the span of 36 hours. It is so wrong in my heart but so perfect for my head. For so long i knew one thing like the back of my hand, i knew everything just about, i was an expert. I was a professional, even though finding out every bit of information hurt sometimes, i let it pass by cause i was fully invested. I thought i would be this genuis on a subject for the rest of my life. For so long i told my self i would be. And it is weird to think that i never really was the expert i thought i was. Its weird to have my whole life changed in a couple of days. Its weird that i want this too. Its weird that i dont want to live for one thing anymore, after only wanting it for soo long. It is weird to think a different mind set. Its weird that all my thoughts all my actions are different know. Its weird to be the girl that i was 2 years ago again... but i missed her, i missed her alot. I was held hostage in my head with all my own thoughts and dreams. Its weird to think that i couldnt let go before now. Cause i really did miss this old me. Its weird to think that i took all the nessecarry steps to really make this girl come back for good. For so long i thought that i was the same person just with a different desire. I realize now that even though my life is totally altered, my thoughts of me being the same person through all this was altered too. This has changed me. And that is weird to think. But i have to think about it. I really do.

It was good and bad. For so long it was good. For so long it was bad. But lessons are learned. They are. And its weird to think that i can over come this. Not because i have to, but because i want to. I miss the old me. And for a little while this will feel weird, and reflect the thoughts in my head, but this will ultimately be best for the little girl that has been trapped. That girl inside me screaming to come out, dying, gasping for breath... She is free. I will be free. I will not go back. I will not, all for the little girl inside me.

Fly little bloo bird, fly fly fly!

Spread your wings and come out of the shell that has been covering you. Fly and touch the sky.

Fly little bloo bird. Fly, fly, fly.

Never forget to fly.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Goodbye for good.
I wont say anything more cause that is all i have left to say. Honest this time. Im worn out. You truly are not good for me. And i have accepted that already. Goodbye for good. Dont come crawling back, I deleted you from my life already, And my last thought is..... Goodbye. For good. Dont come back. Your unwelcome. Goodbye for good. Im sick of this all... I need a new start. For good. Not going back, cause i have tried before, And it hurts more everytime i come back. How many times do i have to touch A hot stove and get burned to realize i have to stop reaching. I looked at my hands today, saddest sight. My hands dont work they are so scarred from this.... no more scarrs no more tears no more thoughts no more hurting... Goodbye for good. Im done. Im done. Im done. Goodbye i dont want you in my life anymore... I already feel better. And to be perfectly honest i dont care if this hurts you. You hurt me more than anyone. I watched you walk away but now I will glance away when our paths cross and pretend like i dont see a thing... just like you have done with me.

Goodbye for good.

Someone forgetting you