Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Minds set on what they want to get, on what they want to give.
Children are so excited the count down is FINALLY over!
The roads are being traveled to find snow and cold winter...
Santa clause is coming tonight for most of those little boys and girls...
Bringing big boxes filled with dreams hope wishes and surprises...
The Stocking are being stuffed with pointless little nick nacks and herseys candy.
All the silence is broken with footsteps herd on the roof...
Christmas you see, will be very different for me this year.
My tree naked underneath its needles...
My stocking still hung on the hanger... for it will not have a reason to be moved off..
The antisipation is not really here... cause i dont have excitment to wake in the morn..
Maybe except for the cinnamon rolls or that its stupid to sleep all day on christmas...
But you see, this christmas will be very different...
I sat in front of my naked tree just now... realizing that is how i will wake to it... naked and bare.
And as the tears rolled down my checks, feeling terribly sorry for myself...
I had an "ah ha" moment..
"why must my family even have it this year?" i thought
"I know why we must have it" as i quickly whiped the tears off my sorry face and cleared the rock in my throught...
The meaning of christmas is not for us to be at the mall, nor is it to be awake all night not being able to sleep waiting for santa... Its not for the toys or the chocolate...
I cried as i looked at the star and realized what it was a representaion of... Christ...
And everything clicked.
The spirt of christmas is not in the mall or at the store...
The spirit of christmas is simply in the word.
And that is why i celebrate christmas this year...
The spirit of christmas is the spirit of christ
And i let the tears leak on to my shirt as i remembered how truly blessed i am to even have what i do... i dont even possibly need anything else. i dont need stupid gifts that will be broken... or candy that will melt by the fire... i dont need wrapping paper and material things at all.... i have already been given the most beautiful gift of all.
I have him... i have christ.... i have the atonement... and that is all i need in this life.
I am greatful that my tree has not been crowed with silly things, I am thankful for the opportunity of not being cluttered with material things.... for i have been touched deeply this evening with the feelings that i should have had a long time ago...
My gift is more precious to me now than anything i could ever ask for... it was my gift... my one and only gift for christmas this year.
And who would have thought that my "very different", bare and naked christmas would have opened my eyes to my most cherished gift of all...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Today is december 14... and this is unacceptable... I NEED MY SNOW!!!
(you see cause paper snowflakes just arent cutting it anymore...)
... haha "cutting it"... paper snowflakes... hah sometimes i am punny...
Thank you for laughing with me. :)...
COME ON ALL READY SNNNNOOOOOOOWWWWW!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
My cold winters kiss has not the power to last.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Our fingers played twister and our mouths slipped into big smiles.
He said "you look beautiful"...
He said "i love your winter wear"...
He said "you are perfect, perfect for me"...
Our steps syncronized together i sang us a "walking" theme song.
He smiled and laughed at me when he told me he liked my song
His big warm hand held my little cold one to keep it warm..
Hinting to go a different way than we came, i decided to just go along with it (even though i knew it would take longer... who would mind a few steps when walking with an angel?)
We laughed, we talked about the first time we thought of eachother.
We laughed, we talked about our favorite cereals. - waffle crisp and honey bunches
We laughed, we talked about how dumb hummers were, and how crosswalks cost 5 cents each time you press the button.
Crossing the road we felt the cold air, and our noses were cold.
Losing day light we happily journeyed past the school near by.
You told me you had a secret for me.
I had one for you too.
Park 16 :)
I told him he was perfect... perfect for me.
I told him I have never in my life been happier.
I told him to run... "run forest run"... after me.
So of course he did and lifted my little brown boots off the green grass and spun me around.
We laughed and looked at eachother with our eyes smiling.
I am the luckiest girl in the world and i know this to be true.
You say you will never hurt me like he did, and i 100% believe you.
He said "i love you"
And i said... "I love you too"
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I offered my home to you every day after school. And relentlesslly you came. Not becuase you didn't want to come. But for the reason you didnt want to intrude... But you would come and stay for a few hours just talking with me about the car wash, and how you would laugh at your silly old man of a boss.
We made chocolate chip cookies. You wore my lacrosse jacket cause we were freezing. You laughed uncontrollably when i spilled the twenty pounds of chips in the bowl and all over the counter and floor... You showed me something i still eat. with a big ol smile on that pretty face you told me of Mac and cheese with peas. We ate that every time we were together after school...
You came over to my house with a smile on christmas eve with a huge present for me. Laughing that contagious laugh when i took the paper off the box. For you had wrapped my present in a cat scratching post box, it was funny. Inside was my favorite gift of any i have recieved... a vintage bird cage. The door could not close. I hugged you for a long time after you told me to "never let anyone close that door."... i have never tried to close it...
I missed you, so i took a drive down to your house a half hour away, i picked you up. and we wandered around art city. Looking at all the quaint little statues around the town. We went to McDonalds... You ordered two apple pies and a vanilla ice cream cone. I ordered an M'M McFlurry. Us being us, we headed into the plastic play ground, passing the kids inside who looked at us like we were insane, maybe we were, but we ate and talked and smiled and laughed in that play house as we ate...
We went to the springville timpview state game together. You wore your red shirt you made in Mrs. Ormes sewing class. You painted blue on your face though. You kept on laughing as you cheered for both sides. Not wanting to be a traitor of any sorts. After the game you took pictures of me almost being arrested. Shreiks of laughed came from inside the car as you all watched me... We laughed all the way home...
At madisons we decorated sugar cookies, you of course had the most artistic cookies out of us all. Simple yet, beautiful. You wore your black and white vest, your bangs straight across your face and you looked stunning. We posed for cheesy picture of us and our cookies. You laughed when you looked at them. We were good at those cheesy faces.
The sleeping bags we brought in a laundry basket took us down the stairs. Laughing with each bumpy step. We slid down the stairs over and over. The bubble gum drink would quench our thirst after running up the stairs so many times. We got your mamma and pappa to do it with us. We all had pounding headaches after the hundred times of sliding down the stairs, so we all layed on the basement floor. Staring at the lights. Laughing about how silly that was... remembering when we used to do it as little kids... that night we were little kids in a big world, just having fun...
We put that suitcase in my backseat as we drove across the back roads looking for a place to burry it all... Both of us wearing skirts and sandals... We found a spot. Tucked in between the barn and the rail road. The shovels were long and heavy but we were determind. Digging and digging we made a deep hole, and put that suitcase inside. Shoving the dirt back over the top of the hole you said " you must burry your past"... and you were right... so we did...
You call me Steff fanny. I call you lexi loo in my shoe...
If i could say how much you made my life a bright and shining hope i would, but i owe you more than i can even say... Your life is hard your trials many... and sure i remember those hard times. The times i would cry on your shoulder as we sat out in the cold winter air. The time we went to the swings and you cried... you never cried... The days you felt like doing nothing but email... all the times we trusted one another. all the times we felt for eachother... But through it all you taught me the value of optimism... You had the weight of the world on your shoulder and all i could do was hold your hand through it all... but you showed me happiness in the mist of heartache. The smile on your face and the laughter in the air spoke to me so deeply and showed me two opposite things can co exsist... my heart will always hold the special place for you lexi loo... lexi loo in my shoe. dont give up girl. i am routing for you, and i know i am not alone... and neither are you.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Headlights filled my rear view mirror,
And just got closer and closer until they dissapeared.
However, they were not gone, they were just under my car.
Peering through the "TBIRDS" out back, i saw him.
That crazy crazy man. Tailgating.
Now i dont like it really when someone rides my behind like that.
Alice doesnt like getting close to other cars.
So cause i was a little annoyed i slowed down, forcing that crazy man to stay very close.
This plan maybe backfired a wee bit, cause, then apparently us to cars were playing tag.
And this crazy man wanted to follow me around,
Stop when i stop,
Speed up when i sped up.
Yes Crazy man stop following me.
I lost him, But he tried to run a woman over to get to me and my crazy painted car.
Two days later...
Headed to my Alice with my little sister in toe.
I open my car door and climb inside.
Court slides in to the passenger seat next to me.
One scary second later, our noses kick in, and the stench of smoke has been smelled.
Like clock work we frantically look at eachother and open the car doors.
My heart is pumping. My eyes quickly scanning to find the smell.
They dont succeed in finding the cause, but they see my car a wreck inside.
All money gone and everything once held in a pocket now thrown on the floor.
I got a new air freshner to try to mask the smell...
It has now worked but at first, smoke-vanillaroma... not a lovely scent.
Maybe alice is cursed, or maybe its the driver, but anywho, whatever it is.
Now i am parannoyed about locking my car. Always. And looking at license plates just in case..
Thank you smoking hobo, and Crazy stalker man.
ON the bright side.
You guys are at least a good story to share
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Is it what i want?
What will come next as a trial?
Can i stick to the plan in my head?
Will i forget that in a year?
Can i please have this- my here, my now, forever?
Lately i have been realizing what it is i want in my future.
Friendship, love, affection.
Trust, family, respect.
Goals and achievements.
Lately i have been thinking of all the things that are amazing in my life.
Freedom from darkness.
My best friend, i am so lucky to have.
My girlfriends, my schooling, my car.
The beautiful world around me.
The chilled weather.
Lately i have been thinking.
Lately i have been happy.
Lately i have been me.
Lately i have been myself more than ever before.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sometimes late at night i cant fall asleep...
Its not because i am not sleepy, or because im afraid of the dark.
Its not because i am scared of dreams, or uncomfortable.
Nor, is it because i am cold, or have something i need to get done.
It is simply becuase i love what i can dream when i am awake.
And the memories i can have of you and me that day.
Sometimes late at night,
I can't fall asleep.
For i am far to busy thinking of you, and how lucky i am to call you mine.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
And turned out i didnt know anyone close either...
I can feel it has already started..
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Last night was such a shock to me. And it really really bothered me. A lot.
Homecoming in my home town sounded like a fabulous idea.
It was where i grew up.
Where i learned to ride my bike.
Catch bugs with my friends.
Sled down the hills.
Ski durring school, sing on the chair lift.
Shop at the outlets until i was broke... again.
My home town where i thought everything was grand.
So naturally with my same naive thoughts i decided to attend.
The only words i have are, wow. and dissapointment. and wow. again.
As we walked into the dance, our first indication that it was going to be a less then normal date was, one: the fact that more people were there without dates then with. two: there were many cops there. three: we had to take a breathalizer test to get in as well as being checked for drugs. i kinda laughed at that, hah did i look like i was that kind of person? ha oh well... and Four: Where were the the girls clothes?... This one bothers me, it really really is disappointing.
I was super excited the day of to see all the girls i called my friends when i lived there. Lisa had told them i was coming, and so of course they wanted to see me... the problem is, i wish i could have blend into the crowd, cause shortly after arriving i realized i didnt want to see them... and when i mean see them i mean, see almost ALL of them... these girls that i had class with when i was little, the girls in my elementry school class, when yoga balls were big. the girls that used to not care what they wore, were practically not wearing anything. I was shocked. i was more like appalled. What happened!? i was so disappointed in them. They did not look beautiful, they did not look kind, they were not the girls i once knew. They were some forgien sluts that i would expect to see in some terrible place... my heart was so sad for them. They dont realize what class is, they just dont see it, they would rather just put out unstead of covering up... so sad.
I wish i could say now that park city is my home town without being ashamed. but i really cant. last night opened my eyes to reality. And i was really bothered by it.
There are so many examples of classy people that i love, because class, IS NEVER OUT OF STYLE! To be honest, i was so proud to be dressed, my skirt went to my knees, i had a cover for my shoulders. Lisa was dressed too, and to me she looked radiant. she looked fabulous. completely beautiful. And abby was equally as stunning, but other than that, no one else to me looked classy. Ah... they just looked... slutty. (pardon my language but there is no other word for it.)
Classy people i appreciate you. Thank you for finding self worth. You are beautiful to me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Make it stop, make it stop, someone make it stop.
As the tears litter my floor and the passion increases,
I pray hard, for this to cease, as i sit in my puddle.
A puddle that i cant gather back up,
The tears i cannot collect again,
Emotion leaks out of my eyes, never to be gathered again.
Words have been expressed and feelings felt.
I pray that this can be fixed.
Hoping that my prayers find the man up above so he can help.
Cause i sit and listen as i hear my worst fear,
And the fimilar sinking feeling enters my head when i realize its out of my control.
I close my eyes as they spit out the sounds, the dreaded words,
Wishing it to go away.
Hoping that if i just close my eyes hard enough it will all stop.
That when i open them up, it will open up a new shiny door of hope.
How naive of me to think this way,
Years of build up have caused the situation,
And i cant fix what was never one.
I cant do what my heart is screaming out to do, to fix this all.
help. but i cant. i cant.
It's just out of reach so close i feel all the emotion, yet,
so far cause i cant stich it back together.
I love you, i love you both.
Please, for me, hear my prayers.
My pleaded prayers.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It pushed down past my skin, back behind my ribs and around my lungs.
My heart is what it was headed for.
I let it in, thinking it couldnt hurt me anymore than what i already was.
So numb that i didnt even care if it worked or not.
The thread so tiny, i never thought it would heal a thing; fix anything broken.
But when i let it touch my heart... when it brushed my heart, a healing process began.
I was surprised.
I was confused.
I was entrigued.
Before i knew what was happening, my heart moved.
My heart beat, no, my heart pumped again.
My heart had been touched by a tiny little needle with tiny golden thread.
It worked fast, quick, and gentle. Weaving in and out, knowing where to put what and
how to solve the endless puzzle. And before i could remember the pain, my heart was one.
Gold string came into my life.
It was so little so thin i never would have imagined it to captivate my heart.
I never would have thought it to be the thing to collect the broken pieces.
Yet, my once frozen-solid, shattered heart is warm, and the gold thread holds it together.
I may not have any cool scars to show for the stiches i have, but my heart is renforced with gold thread, making it impossible to break again. You stiched my heart, and when you did that. You fixed my world.
There was a piece of tiny gold thread on a tiny golden needle...
and that was all it was...
But i needed to learn, its the small most unexpected things in life that could heal my broken soul.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
As the birds outside, perched on their branches, chirped.
And the bees outside, hummed to and fro each pristene white flower on the overpowering bush out front.
The cool air outside rushed in and brushed my skin as i opened the window,
I traveled through the clutter scattered arcoss the floor, and eyed my favorite place to be.
You said it would be alright if i just slipped right in, so i did.
The sheets and pillows held the delicate scent that i was so familiar with.
Closing my eyes, in total bliss, time flew by and before i knew it, that door was swinging open.
"Honey, Im home!" you said as you smiled and jumped my way.
I couldnt help but giggle, neither could you.
Like a pillow you picked me up and squose me tight between those two strapping arms.
We closed our eyes in total bliss.
After an eternitity, we broke our bond.
You held my hand as you showed me how to navigate through the maze of clutter to get to the computer by the window.
Quickly you turned on the song, my favorite song, and smiled down at me as you took my other hand to place it up on your broad shoulder, my feet slid on to the top of yours.
We swayed, i spun, we danced slowly to the feelings held in the air.
You held me tighter when you played the song again, told me i didnt have to worry.
You would stay this close to me forever.
When the song played again, we danced over to my favorite place, you picked me up and placed me on the sheets and blankets.
We listened. Just listened.
And As it played one more time, i couldnt help it, i held on, i held on to you, and i glued that song to my heart, like i had never done before, the tears pooled in my eyes and they fell. Those tears fell to your shirt, you held me tighter, and whispered the words.
"dont let go, i love you... i love you."
I kept to myself, i knew he did, more than anything, but i knew it was so long before anything could even happen. I shut my eyes tight and thought to myself, how hard i would try to keep you that close. You brushed my hair off my face, and kissed the tears. You meant it, you were, you. That one cold september afternoon, you played my heart strings just right, you touched my soul, as we danced.
The song plays around me and i hear it, i remember how i glued the promise to myself that i would stay close to you. I remember. I remember.
And i whisper.
Goodbye, i swear its not for the last time, i know its not easy, this could never be easy...
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
But the truth is, i REALLY just dont care anymore
I am taking the first train out of here,
I dont want to be in this mess of a town anymore.
I was prepared to leave once before
But you caught me before i left.
I am not even looking back.
I am taking the frist train out of here.
Oh wait, i already did.
Ah! and how it feels so good.