Sunday, December 27, 2009

Four Letters

Talked to that one last night, talked just a little, but it was enough, and a little glimmer of hope shines through. In my mind i can see things working out or smoothing themselves. I know what i have said over and over again, and im sticking to my word but i can help but feel this hope, cause that is what i have needed for so long. Hope. Hope. Hope. That long lost hope. And it comes from inside, from the person inside me who has been trapped. Who has been shadowed over with others shadows. But the person is breaking through is begining to shine. My shining hope. Finally. I think everything is going to be okay. I lost my hope when everything seemed crashing, but its back, and i realize that life is so much better when you have hope. Hope, finally i have hope.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Levels of Sight

its sad
what has happened
my feelings
sorted out now
realize what
i once did
i put
so high
above me
so above me
until you were a
beautiful beautiful
thing to look up at
to see and look up to
cause i loved you i really
wanted you higher than me
cause you were so great. one
of my favorite things such an
inspiration to me and all i did.

Then time came between me
and my high high statue
and the beautiful thing
didnt seem as high
or as pretty
or even as
but it

Then one day i realized that you
Could never be the thing i once
looked up to like i once did
it just cant happen again
or at least not anytime
soon so i am gonna
bring you back to
my level so that
you can still be
a part of my
life because
i still want
you here
still need
to see that
face pretty face
i always looked up
to. always wanted to
have, i need you still
But i have to learn to
just keep you at the same
level and not place you high
high high above me and long to
do everything you once did cause
the fact is i dont want to do everything
you do anymore. but i need you still so
please come and stand by me i still want you.
even if you cant be that person high high high above me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Winter Cleaning

I have to clean out some thoughts this winter,
So i can start new this spring when every cold thought is gone.

You were there when i needed you,
talked me through anything
I loved you for that.
You were there to make me smile
until my cheeks would kill
I loved you for that.
You were there to call me and sing,
even when you hated that,
so self concious.
I loved you for that.
You talked me through my tears
and whiped them off my face
I loved you for that.
You were the one to notice when i was down
ask if i was okay with those pools of brown eyes
I loved you for that.
You were the one that held me tight,
made me feel like such a lucky little girl
I loved you for that.
You were the one that held my hand
and walked me home
I loved you for that.
You were the one that gave me that jersey i wore every night
felt so close to you, even when you werent there
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would listen when i was just blabbing
pretended like you were listening
I loved you for that.
You were the one that made me squeal when you said those magic words
cause i didnt have a word to say
I loved you for that.
You were the one that showed me so many songs i loved
the ones that i never stopped playing
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would text me goodnight i love you beautiful
making me feel like the most special girl
I loved you for that.
You were the one that massaged my back
cause i was always so tense
I loved you for that.
You were the one that came to me so many times
cause i thought it would be fun, you watched
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would talk with me about how i felt
you would just listen and hold me tight
I loved you for that.
You were the one that made my heart skip a beat
and made me forget how to breathe
I loved you for that.
You were the one that tried so hard to give me your love and attention
making me feel important
I loved you for that.
You were the one that i dreamed about
every night for quite some time
I loved you for that.
You were the one that told me about everything
even though it was painful for you to tell somtimes
I loved you for that.
You were the one that had me over
cause i wanted to see you
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would pick me up
raise me high above everyone else
pretending i hated it but loved every second
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would kiss me so soft so i knew it was sincere
on my hands cheeks and forehead or on the top of my head
I loved you for that.
You were the one that let me sleep
when i was so tired you said okay
I loved you for that.
You where the one that changed your phone time to me
so you could always see that picture,
you loved to show me that
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would make fun of my granola
every time i pulled it out
i would just smile
I loved you for that.
You were the one that gave me so much happiness
always ran through my head
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would let me tag along
even when you were with your friends
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would turn on the music and spin me around
bend down and kiss me then say i love you steff
I loved you for that.
You were the one that called me steff
i told you i liked that one day, you never called me anything else
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would play basketball with me
even tho i stink you liked to show off
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would tell me silly jokes
i acted like they werent funny, they were.
I loved you for that.
You were the one that risked so much for me
cause i was your number one
I loved you for that.
You were the one that went into all the rooms in your house
with me, making each room special, cause i wanted to
I loved you for that.
You were the one that would play car games with me
i let you win by the way babe
I loved you for that.
You were the one that pulled me close all those nights
that felt so natural wrapped up in your arms
I loved you for that.
You were the one that always was there
for just so long, a year and a half
I loved all that time...

Everything happens for a reason right? So this must have a purpose. I have all the faith in the world that someday we will both be uncontrolably happy. Uncontrolably loved by someone who longs with every ounce in them to be with only us, with someone who loves us, just for being us. When nothing can hold us back and all we can do is give. I cant say who or when it will happen but it will happen for both of us. Although this world has been a crazy ride next to you at times i loved every moment of it so thank you. When i was close to falling off the edge you grabbed me up and said you wouldnt let go... You may not even want to hear what i say but thank you for all those sweet sweet memories, for all those wonderful times, those times i will look back on and cherish, all those golden times cause i was with you- The person that made me so happy. Thank you for all the hours you spent just talking on that phone, or all the thousands of texts we sent. Thank you for all the effort you put in. Thank you for all you did. You truly are an amazing person, i will forever hold a special place in my heart for you.

I wonder if you would read this, and cry and laugh and remember just like me...
Do you read it? Can you see how happy you made me? Have you taken in?

If life seem crummy to you know that life happens and sometimes you just have to let go. Not because you have lost all the feeling but because it is best for the situation at hand, for the well being of those involved. For the better of the one you love, because you love them. I dont know where this world will take you or me, but i thank you for all the places that life took me with you. The first person i really loved. I thank you for loving me back. It meant the world to me.

Lessons learned.
your dear steff

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Set in Stone

Im reaching for things that will always be there.
Im reaching higher and higher,
My fingers out stretched
Muscles tendons and bones strained just reaching.
My body reaching for consistancy
Longing for something that will stay
That will not ever change.
Bring some peace to my mind.
My fingers find somethings in there attempts...

One plus one will always be two,
No matter what that sky will always be blue.
My dog will always lick my face
To fix things you must embrace
Love will always be around
I dont have to look too far til its found.
In the winter it will snow
The wind will always blow
Water will always be wet
Nothing in life is set.
My brother will always be here
With him i have no need to fear.
Babies will be born everyday
Another person will die today.
The sun will go down
The moon will phase until completely round.
Food will keep you alive
To get anywhere you must strive
My parents will always love me
Fishes will always swim in the sea.
True friends will stick with you
My gospel it true.
Gravity will bring you down

My fingers are grasping these things
Cause they will never change.
They will never get the opportunity to hurt me
No matter what i can look at that list and know they will be true.
My fingers are holding them tight cause
They will always be true.
So no matter what happens and what will change
They will always be true.
Consistancy. Finally.

Jaclyn, thank you.
You inspired me.
I know you will never leave and i love you for that.


Im checked into a hospital,
Im laying on this soft bed realizing
That i really do need help.
So i will just sit here and wait for my meds to kick in
For the spirit to flood into my body
For my legs to start working like they had before
And my arms to become strong once again, and hold some weight.
But for right now, im recovering.
Although those things i want to do cant happen now
They will soon cause,
I will stay here in this bed until im better.
Completely better.
Cause i may not really like the room that i sit in all lonely and plain,
But Its helping me. It is. So i will sit here and wait for myself to heal.
Do what it takes cause im done wandering
Wandering on those dirty city streets sick, just making me sicker and sicker.
No more sitting in the dirt hoping i will heal,
Cause it only makes it worse.
So im here in my hospital bed healing properly.
So i can be that person i truely want to be.

Soft Strings and Tender Moments

There will always be a special place there for you,
One that can never be replaced.
My acoustic lover.
No matter what song it is i will think of you. Always.
Hey love,
Whenever i feel sad, i think of you. Play that song close to my heart.
Just a bit of joy floods back in,
The strings played match the strings that play my heart,
Soft tender emotional feelings and words.
I love them, they remind me of what i fell in love with.
That soft tender lover, acoustic.
Notes and rhymes flood in my head making me feel this peace
That same peace you gave me,
So no matter what happens now,
You will always be there. Always.
My acoustic lover, offering some peace into my life.
My acoustic love, i forever love you.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thank you Angel

Realization took my cold broken hand
Warmed it up,
And even though my hand was warm,
It stayed with me.
I thank my god for who he sent to me,
When will i be able to return the warmth
That has been shared with me?
Somehow you pierce my soul with those words of yours,
And warm me from the inside out.
Im amazed at how i got to be so lucky
I have an angel here on earth with me.
A beautiful, wise, intellegent, angel.
She inspires me
She makes me smile
She can bring me thoughts i would have never known
She holds me tight
She listens when i need
She is always there for me.
My angel i want to be,
I look up to her more than i can even say.
She is a gift from above and now i sorta see
Why my life had to get challenged...
It is so that i could get my angel, my angel i love so much.
But how can i return the miracles she has brought to me?
I dont really know,
But im going to think long and hard,
And never give up until i find how
Cause she diserves the best of the best treatment
The best of the best reward
The best of the best life
The best of the best husband
The best of the best kids
The best of the best everything
For helping me the way she has.
I love you angel, i love you so much,
I will be here for you if ever you need.
Cause that is all i can really offer, for the time being.

I have an angel here on earth with me,
Who i love so very much...
I have an angel here on earth with me...
And i call this beautiful girl, lexi.
Thank you Angel

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Unexpected Sightseeing

116 - 101
Im scared at what is happening,
I looked down and its so much different.
Mountains across my skin.
Where did i go?

116 - 101
And i am scared of how low that number will go
Cause i didnt even realize,
So how do i stop it
Where did i even go?

116 - 101
Im scared so scared.
The numbers go down as the bottle numbers go up
So now what?
Where do i go?
The same place 15 went?

116 - 101
And im scared of where im going,
Bottle after bottle
One after the next,
Those candies just slide right down my neck.

116 - 101
And im not even me,
Mountains and valleys where plains are supposed to be
Blue after green after white after yellow,
It doesnt really matter what order
They all go inside this screwed up geography
But really that low already?
116 - 101
And i keep asking
Where did i go?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Prickled Journey

Sick of darkness,
Show me the light,
Im on the path of redemption
Pulling my feet under my body
My heavy body.
Sick of the negative
So im looking for positive
Pulled out my map and
Im headed for the treasure
Had to leave some things behind
Cause i cant carry them on this path
But ill come back for them if i need
After my treasure is found
My treasure is important to me
Cause it will be the first thing in a while
Ill have found something for me
Im leaving this all behind
Pushing through this no matter what
Im sick and tired of being stopped
By the things that have come my way
So nothings stopping me from finding
My long forgotten treasure.
Nothing is gonna stand in my way
Im finding this treasure
So i can find me.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Fire and Brimstone

I did it because i needed to. So dont you get mad. You did this to me, put me through it and then you werent there for me once again. So i wondered why im sticking around. You did this to me and now i have to heal myself cause you come short, although you try. The situations sticky i understand that. I really do. But it forced me to say goodbye. Cause that would be best for me. Something i often overlook but not this time. It was right. Or at least i hope so. "i've been through hell and back for you steff!" I believe that too, what your going through cant be easy either, but you did that to yourself and dragged me along for the ride placing me in hell too and even though your trying to help me out, its not enough, im still burning here, so im finding someone else who will have the power to help me out. Im sorry that this is how it has to be. Maybe if we both find our way out and get some space between us, we could bump into eachother along the traveling road someday. But not any time soon, cause as happy as you make me right now, you, after all, were the one that put me in hell, and that is hard to forget, when im still buring inside.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Paying for Nothing

Its not worth its stupid ups and downs.
So happy, then so sad
I need a new start
Its not worth this crazy roller coaster ride.
One day everything is fine,
The next a new situation sits in front of me.
I need out
Its not worth all this pain and hurt.
Tugging pulling shaking and sighing
I need someone new.
Its not worth what you have put me through
I keep asking myself why i stay
I need to just tear myself away.
Its not worth all the gallons of tears i have shed
One second i am happy but if you arent neither am i
I need to escape, try something new.
Its not worth all the painful thoughts you have given me
How i have to always be so strong for you
I need you too be stronger.
Its not worth all the guilt i have
Sorry for anything, cause happy is how i want you
I need to realize what im doing to me.
Its not worth the neglect that i have been given
I need you to realize that you have to treat me better
Or Its not worth it to me,
To continue to strain my head and everything i have
With everything i have left of me to keep this fragile situation
From breaking once again.

Maybe that would be good for me.

Dont Go

Help me see why its happening this way.
I need you here for me today.
And now that you have to go away,
Im really stuggling today.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Watching the Ground

Would you just let me be,
I hate that way you look at me,
I never thought i would have this problem
But you never seem to stop and it doesnt help.
Why do you look at me with those black eyes,
Give me those looks that i dispise...
One look and my whole being is different.
You change me in ways i dont like,
So please stop.
Im sorry for anything i did.
I didnt even know that you were upset at me,
I didnt know,
But those looks of hatred dont help who i am,
So look away with those eyes of black
I dont have a problem with you,
Realize that, please just stop,
Think about what you do.
Cause when you look at me with those eyes
I cant stop looking down.
Im watching the ground
When im around you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Im not deaf

Seeing Smelling Tasting Touching,
Hearing is not any different for me.
I can hear you as you say your sorry.
I can hear you when you say
You never ment to hurt me the way you did.
I hear you. Loud and clear.
I do not doubt that you are sorry,
Cause i know that you are.
I hear those words every time you say them.
I hear them every time.
I love to hear those words.
But hearing them is hard, still. No matter what or how many times its shared.
I hear the crack in your voice as you are hopless,
Cause i can see that you have no idea what to do.
What to say, how to fix it so it will go away.
And when i hear you, i want to scream i love you, i am sorry too,
But you are right, and i have no idea why, why i keep doing this,
I tell myself to stop stop it... but i never turns out that way,
Because i am scared to be treated that way again...
It doesnt make sense i know,
But maybe just maybe if i can keep this tention here,
That you will feel bad enough for what you did and never do it again...
I know you wont and that is why it doesnt make sense.
But i have been so hurt like you said, just like you said.
I heard that word depressed or sad. Lost confused or mad. Take a pick.
I am those words.
But i know you where those terrible words first,
The words of sadness and confusion and hurt and pain.
I know you were those words first, so why do i press them?
Cause, well because,
I am still hurt and working on the process of
Collecting my heart and putting it back together.
The one that two people i love, tore apart.
So im sorry it is taking so long,
I hear those words that come my way.
I hear them but it still doesnt change how hurt
How different
How sad
How upset i am about all this.
I am trying my hardest every single day,
To make all this crap we have been through go away.
Cause the situation is in my hands,
I wouldve never taken it
But i have to find space to put it down.
I am trying.
I am trying.
Trying so hard.
I want to respond to those words i hear,
With words that you can.
But be patient with me,
Give me that cause right now that is all i need.
All i need,
I heard those words ringing in my head everyday,
I hear them loud and clear.
And they are the words that push me forward to fix this.
So now use your ears,
I love you,
Give me time.
I am not deaf
Cause i hear those words.