Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Like clockwork

A small clock sits on my wrist everyday whispering my next agenda for the hour- reminding me I am in a hurry or  telling me I have time to sit back and smell the coffee- it is there in the times of trouble or in the times of calm.. just sitting there ticking away.. managing my time and my life.

It is strange that day by day nothing seems to change but then you turn around one day and everything is different. Like you have been blind the whole time, yet you know you saw the whole thing unfold... it was just too small to actually pinpoint the place that the change took place. Its been gradual... so gradual you didn't even notice. It was inbetween the hours and seconds on that face of time. And with every second of time, every tick on that clock, things have changed, and they have changed alot.. I find I dont worry about things too much anymore- because everything just seems to be falling into place. Perfectly. For the First time. The first time in my life where I feel this way. And I think I know why that is. .. It is not because I have all of a sudden recieved everything I have ever longed for and everything is flawless- no. It is because I have for the first time in my life - decided that with every tick on that watch and with every change that slowly creeps into my life.. that that is exactly what is supposed to be happening.. I trust the second hand and the hours to do what they are supposed to do...  the clock always ticks, and for the first time I am ticking too.  Allowing the gears to take me as they may enjoying any second that they bring me to... And as i let the gears turn I smile... realizing that while I am along for a pretty crazy ride sometimes that- there is a man who made that time. He is the master of all time- he wants me to tick right along with him. trusting his workmanship... what a great gift my watch has been- what a great blessing the ticks and turning gears have brought... they have brought the most peaceful, content, and lovely feeling in the entire world.


Everything that is happening now. Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Is what is supposed to be happening. It is making me the person I am supposed to be.


 
 
 
Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize that there is nothing lacking the whole world truly belongs to you.
And that is beyond beautiful.
 
 

Monday, October 15, 2012

5000 miles of you on my mind

I got shot with a flour gun last night. by a pretty dumb boy. Of course it was a joke, and obviously all in good fun, but it hurt. A lot actually. i had been the butt of the joke all evening. Adding insult to injury i was just done. I went home...

I had a dream last night of course after i cleaned up and had a good cry... and you were still there. Still there. in my head. Stop it. just stop. I want to stop so much i want a new standard of something/someone new to compare to. But there you are EVERY day. just a standard i have set i suppose. Something that my fingers wont let go of. even though I know yours are long gone... and that fact doesn't even bother me.

I think its this time of year. The cool air. The soft breeze. the crunchy leaves. The smell of the bitter cold mornings. The sweaters and hats i wore around you... i fell in love with you this time of year.

Once you said she did things with other fellas that she did with that one boy. I'm doing that... like you said. maybe if i do it with other guys it wont mean anything... but that isn't true... i just think of you. every time  Pinky promise. football games. rapper names. same jokes. same places. same feelings. different boy. always the same thought.... you. But why?

I am honestly so happy that you are happy. you seem so accomplished and you just seem to be exactly where you are supposed to be at. with her. I like her, i always have. darling girl. cute clothes and personality.

And i am happy too. I know i am where i am supposed to be, single and playful...
I just cant shake it. i just cant.

Its amazing how when the smells come out this time of year, or if i hear one song, or see one picture of you.... i go right back. like it was yesterday. like nothing ever happened. but it did. everything happened.

we haven't spoken in months.. yet to this day when some dumb boy makes me cry late at night your number teases me on the screen of my phone. your the person i want to talk to. your the one i want to stick up for me...  even though you are literally thousands of miles away. and we don't know each other anymore.

If i could let go would i?
i mean really?
If i could chose to forget... would i?

I dont know. i really have no clue.

So much time is ahead of me and so many other guys will come into play but sometimes i wonder... why am i   still waking up thinking of you? why are you still the hero in my dreams? why cant i shake what happened years ago? why cant i just let go? why not forget? why why why?

I mean really we are five thousand miles apart..

Fall has always been my favorite season... but its always been just a little bitter sweet too...

someday i will stop thinking of you.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Twitterpated

When you stop looking for it, it finds you.
And I believe this to be true.
I stopped looking
And I stopped caring and well
Truth is....


I am totally and completely twitterpated.



Other truth about this is,

he hardly knows.


Sometimes I feel really small and insignificant. And sometimes I feel like that alot. But other times I feel very important and very needed. I just havent felt that as much. I think that knowing both feelings quite well make it all the better to feel very important.

I really want to date him. I really want to be his girl. I really think that he is something special. I really think that it could work. I really do. I really think that i would have never found him on my own. I really hope that this is the next step in my life. I really like him. I really like him. I REALLY like him. I was supposed to meet him. I know that. How? well you see there is a story, one of those crazy stories that you only hear when people meet in the movies type of story.

He is my best friends cousin's cousin. Ya. I met him in California, on the beach... we both live in Utah, in the mountains.

I was supposed to go to California with 5 girls five days later than when I went. I was supposed to not go at all. But I went. I was supposed to only go to the beach that day, but ended up in a gated community with complete strangers. I was supposed to go to lots of beaches, but only went to one mainly.  I was supposed to not stay an extra day, but I did.

It was the perfect alignment of weird events that happened just ever so perfectly so that I could happen to meet a guy that is funny, and silly, and tall, and tan, and righteous, and caring, and artistic, and musical, and strong, and athletic, and stylish, and CUTE AS HECK, and totally and completely my type. Someone who just happens to love dogs, and the beach, and pictures, and adventure... just like me. Someone who just happens to be getting out of a relationship, who just happens to live in highland utah, and just happens to be moving to provo?? You see? I was supposed to meet him. It's pretty clear... I just dont know for what yet.

And now I am really really really hopeful that, after a year of feeling very small and insignificant, that this one person can make me feel important again., and that maybe that is the reason we met on a sandy beach a thousand miles away from home.

Please please please. I want nothing less than to date this young man... he is just too good to pass up And I promise whoever is in charge of my future, and his... that I will be really good to him... and I promise that I will make him happy like I think he can make me. I dont remember feeling this taken in a very long time. I dont remember meeting anyone in such a perfect storm of events before. I promise to be the best I can be. Please please please just let this happen for me.... i've been so patient... and im totally and completely twitterpated.

Friday, June 22, 2012

HEY YOU!!! Check out this post, please and thanks :)

Hello followers of this blog, I have made an executive decision, I have decided to channel my love for writing in other ways. I will still post on this blog occasionally, however, if you wish you hear from me on a more regular basis, I will be writing on my new blog. It is called Something lovely. Give it a look. Cause it is going to be wonderful. I hope that this new blog can be a better outlet for my thoughts and such.

www.rememberlittlemoments.blogspot.com

P.S. Thank you for following me here. I really do appreciate it. Hope to see you following my new blog.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

sleep thoughts.

Maybe its why my subconscious still finds you.
Letting it all out.
Isnt it interesting how a dream can work? You have absolutely no power over what you will see in your sleepy little head, yet somewhere deep down you still remember some things forgotten. Some things that you have forgotten while you were awake. And maybe this is why i have suddenly been remembering? I couldnt recall thinking of these things throughout the day or, seeing them in weeks, yet there they are night after night. Maybe dreams exsist to remind you of things that you once loved, like your best friends hot tub, or her awesome backyard, from when you were six. Or that one guy you dated from freshman year, who you really didnt date, it was mainly just a title. Or maybe they are there to refresh your memory of the hurt you once felt, so you can realize how good you have it when you wake up. Dreams might exsist just to simply entertain your family at the breakfast table when you tell them your latest "adventure"... But right now i just think my dreams are there to keep mind mind moving through out the day... Why do i dream of these things that i never wanted to think of again. Why does my selfconscious go there? I tell myself no no no. too much hurt. keep away. Yet my dreams mock me. I think i know why one chararcter has come along. He always represents a certain feeling, but you. I dont get it, cause the character has changed... im not a dream interperter but, i think i know why you have come along lately. I've been bugged and my mind pushes it away in the day but at night i cant fight it anymore. What a hypocrite you have become... and i think that deep down that has hurt me... And i know its not my place at all really to say that kind of thing, but apparently its been on my mind lately, and i want it to go away... heres for hoping, let me free dreams. Im letting it out. now stop it.
It hurts to have excuses thrown at your face.
It hurts to know that you were so easily replaced.
It hurts to know you dont even care.
It hurts to know that love isnt fair.
But i am STRONG i really am,
Just unloading built up emotion.
Just go away now cause i am done,
I release my true devotion.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Maybe?

It began in the small hours of the night.
A simple sound, an idea. Internal fight.
Brush it away day after day.
Erase the words that he did say.
Time took the words right from his lip
Losen your fingers on the grip.

Sometimes I feel it would be easier
That life would be breezier
With someone sitting by my side.
With someone who would in me take pride.

I have never played this part before
Lonely have I never felt more.
But not lonely in its tradition
Just longing for a simple addition.
One plus two.
A "me" and a 'you".

I wish for someone to come and sweep me off my feet,
Someone who smiles when we greet.
I wish for that feeling of importance
Not the feeling of ignorance.
I wish for that feeling of going home when wrapped in his arms
And being swooned by his simple charms.

I want to feel safe.
I need to feel safe.

I wish for honesty to flow
And a trust to grow.
So many have said they'd keep me,
Yet alone here I be.

I do not pitty myself, or call this last resort
I just wish for acceptance when i've come up short

I'll be patient.
I'll wait.
I've done so already.

Not throwing my love out
To anyone eager roaming about.
It means more to me.
I'd invest anything to have you see.

I am cute and maybe slightly funny,
But id hold you tighter than anyone honey.

Just give me the chance.
Give me my next person at a glance.
I just want to meet him.
Im ready. Excitment flowing over the brim-

Come on over
Summer boyfriend.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

secret to your soul

The picture that you have always painted.
You can draw it in your sleep.
Has changed.
Ever so slightly,
Ever so softly.
But just for the better.
But just for the best.
And no one knows.
It's tucked safely inside,
That fold within that beats and thumps within your breast.
Silent, yet screaming as it talks to your hands.
Only to your hands.
Watch those hands.
What makes them move?
what is the secret to the soul that moves those hands.
Those hands that paint the picture.

Rip the human race open,
Peer inside the whole.
Peer inside the hole.
Rip you open.
Look into your soul.
Changed.
Altered.
But only for the better.
But only for the best.
Darkness once filled the cavity that beams.
Light after the dark.
Calm after the storm.
Push past the light, im searching for the soul.
I feel the breeze from your chest,
I've drown in the sea.
Watching the trouble to stay afloat..
I've felt it too.
Looking so close i see myself there inside of you.
Buried down deep behind the rocks and rubble.
Interseresting i found myself sitting in that dark soul.
Souls meet at the darkest of spots.
You are in me and i am in you.
Is that the secret to your soul?
What is the secret?
The secret that has moved your hands.
Those gentle hands that paint the picture.

Silence.
Listen to the sound of silence, watch what it does.
It makes the picture.
The picture you could paint in your sleep.
For it is not the connection but rather the disconnect.
Scream.
Your hands will move.
The secret is only for your soul to know how to make them.

Secret to your soul.
What is the secret to your soul?




Sunday, April 8, 2012

Chin Up Baby Girl

Always a nice reminder.
















Wednesday, April 4, 2012

4,000 miles so little time.

t-minus:
50 Days till graduation.
70 till i move out.
250 days till 4,000 miles.
Is this really where my life is headed?
so far away...
Maybe what i thought i once dreamed of is actually a nightmare causing me to lose sleep.
I know i know. stop it already.
but i will write anyway.
I complimented you everyday.
I made sure to show my love in your language.
I devoted myself to you...
how could we just walk away?
Dont all humans want to be loved?
Dont we all need a someone like that?
Isnt that what you want?
someone as a base all the time?
Was i not?
Cant you see what is happening here?
Is this really happening?
I know somewhere deep within you care..
Or at least i hope you do....
Am i too clingy?
Too preachy?
Do i cry too much at silly things?
Am i not up to par in the looks, additude, or personality?
I would fix it... i would...
Look at what is coming so soon, look at the path ways we will live...
Are we coming to a close?
Forever?
After all this...
just a lesson learned?
i dont want it to be a just a lesson.
I want it to be my life.
I want it to be the beautiful fairy tale for just a couple more months.
Wasnt it that at one point?
Is this really the end of the road?
No more stories, and memories?
My fingers are clasped so tightly to this... i just cant let my past go.
Im scared to just let EVERYTHING blow away in the wind.
I know what i want...
I am willing to fight for it, for you...
But i am also submissive to what you want.
It takes two to tango..
and i know that.
The picture is just unclear.
Just for this little while we may have left...
What we had was more than i had ever had before...
You are going to just watch me walk away?
You are going to just watch me board a plane?
RUN after me chase me down...
please...
am i not worth fighting for?
I would leap into your arm if you held them open...
Im realizing why i run so far...
Its too hard to play this limbo....
...
Is this what you are waiting for?
Just before i go,
Wanting me to jump right when you say?
at the will that you want?
Is that what i want?
I dont like the power you have over me..
but at the slight chance that you will come back,
I want to say i was faithful all along.
Loyal. Forever and always. Even when it got hard.
But that is probably stupid...
Nothing for the long term i promise.
Just for the now, enjoying these last hours i have here...
Im going on adventures and so are you... too hard to keep in touch...
But for now, for now its not. Seize the moment, the day... the opportunity.
I understand patience, and i understand space, but time is running down to the wire.
Life is coming like a freight train.
Its a surreal feeling, realizing i may never see you again..
I want to soak up every moment i have left.. i want to just tap into that feeling once more.
I am sad to let one of the best things that ever happened to me go...
How can i just do that?
How can you just do it?
why?...
I will be good, i will be fun.
I will be all that you ever wanted...
Just take me..
Between those arms.
Just take me into your world while i still have time to visit.
what are we doing?
dancing around town playing hide and seek,
then finding eachother eventually?
I just cant wrap my head around this...
Is this really how its all ending.
Im leaving and you are leaving i get all of that...
So why not just enjoy the souls together while it can still happen?
where is the harm...
its scary to think that so much will change in the next couple of years. I want to hold on to the here and now. its been the happiest time to date... i... i dont know if i can just drop it... I may appear brave and couragous, but in all reality im scared out of my mind realizing that this is not a small feat that is about to happen... i know i will make the best of whatever happens down this new road.. but right now we all live on this same street... let me know you for a couple more months... i just need to know you for a couple more... i want to see you happy i want to be the one who makes you happy... i want to be the girl you are proud to say is yours just for a little longer... Ill be cute and funny, witty and charming, i will become silly when needed, and serious at other times. I will be your support, i will feed your hungry tummy.. i will do it. whatever it is. i will do it. pinky promise.
Time ticks by so quickly and before we all know it.. it will be too late.
and the moments will have passed by, blown away in the wind, not to be found again.
As the hours have passed i have remember all the good times...
Some of the bad too,
But i just long for the sense of adventure and playfulness while i am here...
I am terrified to let go all the good times of the last two years.
I dont think im quite ready to say goodbye...
4,000 miles is so far away..
250 days is so little time.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

And then you see why it happened.

The purple tones and rich red in the sky were completely breath taking tonight.
I am glad i have eyes to see the sunsets.

Sometimes in my life i get in little slumps of sadness and stupidity.
And i get stuck there.
And i think i have been sitting in one for a couple of weeks.

But I realized in the last couple of hours of these last couple of days that somethings in life are better left for the big guy to handle. And of course i knew that before, but im a "fixer" as some would say, and it gets to me when i cant fix the right here and now.

I cant fix everything, and not everything needs to be fixed.

I think that in life we need to have an instance where it all comes back, and you remember so clearly, just so you can know what to change, just so you can know what not to do... just to know why you stopped in the first place.

Isnt it interesting how so much good can come from something so not?

I think that sometimes in this life we need to be jolted alittle, we need a catalyst in our life to shake some sense into us, something to get us out of the rut, even though it may be scary or hard.

I am so glad for my amazing life that i have and all the blessings that surround me; friends that care so deeply they will listen to my nonsense histerical crying for hours. Family that will stop and recognize when i need to take a break, when i need to be alone.

As i have thought over the last 48 hours, i have realized some things; i need to improve myself even more than i am.. that its okay that i am weak, becuase i have strong things and people to support me when i fall... that everything is going work together eventually for good.

I think i needed what happened in these last 48 hours to happen.. so that i could take the time to remember, relive, to realize, re-evaluate, redo, repent, and remember again what i really need.

And to most of all remember that;

God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were ment to be.

And i really believe that.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

(Restless Mind Syndrome)


Vacillating thoughts wrap around my brain tonight.
My eye lids droop to their favorite spot,
Yet even with the weight underneath them, sleep will not step in quite yet.
The pillows are fluffy and the bedspread soft.
Phyiscally fatigued... but im lost in thought.
Vulnerable to the life i have sitting in my tiny little hands..
My minds running a million miles a minute as i lay tonight.
RMS.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Piles of Daydreams

As the piles stack up i try not to let the frusteration build too...
So much to do in such a little time,
Where have the weeks gone?
help..
Where are you, can i meet you soon, or maybe next week.. down the road at my favorite bakery?
We could get a cupcake and share it. Sit across the table for two, and laugh. You could smile that beautiful smile and just make me forget my troubles for a moment...
We could go for a drive, and you could say that you love to hear my stories as you grab my hand and kiss the top of it. Ill be your princess if you please be my prince...
If you dont want a cupcake, or to drive around, we could go on a walk, those are always fun. I would grab your hand and we could wander around town.. take a mini adventure. I could bring my camera and take snap shots of you as you walk and wander with me. I could even bring my cute dog. We could let him off his leash and chase him around... then, being the brave and couragous man you are.. you would catch him and save him from the scary dog down the road.
But if you simply do not want to move, we could cuddle on the couch together and watch a movie. I would probably fall asleep next to you.. but before i drift off we could send silly text messges (you know just in case someone else were in the room actually wanting to watch the moive) to eachother while the movie plays... or not... and we could do it just cause its silly and we are silly together...
Oh somone.. I need to just stop this daydreaming.. you're not here and there is so much to do but
if you came... i promise i would try my best to be just as wonderful as you are to me, back to you... i would do everything in my power to make you happy... i promise... oh someone.. i miss you tonight.. i wish you could be here telling me that everything will work out all right.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Volte Face

When you just want to drop it and run...
Sprint until you are far from the familiar, and not so.
But everywhere you turn is a dead end.
Why must this power remain in my soul?
So sleepy from the circles ive spun
I just want my some day to come.
"Do not live in the future and never in the past.."
Combine those together and it's my days of recent last.
Present... but its not mine.
How can i free myself from the bonds that bind my beating breast?
So sick of the sounds that ive spat at the world.
I just want the world to be silent.
World, listen to my longing
Guide paths in the opposite direction of right now.
Far far away.
I dont want to hike up this hill anymore.
Tricks and tests i can take,
But i beg.
One way path please.
Let my little legs carry me far far away from the intersecting paths.
Im dizzy from the drowsy thoughts swirling around
Pull my feet down, free me from the fright that i have found.
Why must i hold on to the something my soul dispises?
let go..
What happened?
Things once known become things you now knew.
I cant control the creature anymore...
For its out grown the cage.
Set on something bigger and better...
I just want to take the first train
Watch the new settings in the window pain
And never get off...
Yet i want a destination, some stop to call home...
Confused at the inner pull of my megnetic heart.
Scream the sounds somewhere buired deep within.
Let go...
Let go...
Let go...
who that once was, now is not them.
Let it sit inside your sore self,
Hear the thoughts linger in your ears,
Ringing out truth and placing peace into the soul.
so very...
so very...
so very...
correct.
Now universe, and sun, and stars above..
Please.
Allow the little legs, that wish to work,
To take that little girl to... where her heart just took.
One path please.
Far far away from the familiar of the unfamiliar.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Slow dancin under your stary eyes

The strings of lights reflected in those brown pools as
Familiar lyrics and notes played in the backround.
I rested my head on that strong chest and looked out at the sunset;
the last glimps of blue sky brushed over by deep reds, oranges, and pinks.
It was a scene from a movie.
I listened to the heart i knew so well thump into my ear.
I listened to the soft notes you sung as you rested your chin on my head.
close my eyes.
Take it all in.
"im the luckiest girl in all the world."
Kisses showered my forehead.
I love you was softly, tenderly, meaningfully said.
Song after song we swayed this way.
So close.. held so tight.
Two best friends, celebrating what that day was for.
Not the sappy stuff,
but the true feelings shared;
Sharing that we each cared.
As the night progressed we sat at the table that had been set.
A candle lit dinner for two.
Flowers.
Laughter.
Smiles.
We held hands and watched the last of the sun go down.
Your jacket kept me warm, as so did the space heaters.
silence.
No need to speak.
Why break the perfect moment, the perfect feeling, the perfect night.
feel our fingers intertwined.
close my eyes.
Take it all in.
Never forget.. "im the luckiest girl in all the world."
Open my eyes to see you looking at me.
Smiling... not only with your mouth, but
With those brown eyes holding the candle light in them.
My smile.
The smile you only give to me.
I think differently of this day now.
today as the day progressed i remembered why it was okay i was "alone"
I remembered why i wanted to be single.
And why i didnt want any "Valentines"
Cause i want to wait for that.
I dont want any of the fake "i love you's" any more.
Having this day last year made up for this one single year and many more to come becuase,
I know that i only want the real stuff.
Valentines is a great day.
And i cant wait for this kind of thing once more.
The perfect excuse to just share.
Share that you each care.
I love that.
"two times more than you could ever love me..."

Monday, February 6, 2012

its too important to say the way its been

come into my world
your invited please come
let me feel the influence of your soul
have it power over me
wrap me up in those big strapping arms
encompous me in your smile
i want to put my head on your chest and just listen to it thump
hold me tight, dont let me go
let me into your world
i want you in mine
this world is beautiful, but with you by my side its magnificent
sweep me off my feet
indulge my thoughts until i cant sleep
make my cheeks hurt from making me smile
bring the cozy feeling too
the one i only feel when i am around you
listen to the words i speak
your invited please come,
i want you here by me
cause i miss you a ton

Thursday, February 2, 2012

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words simply cannot describe how great of a day this was for me.
AHH it was better than anything!
Ten things that helped make this day one of the best ever.
One, Honey bunches of oats.
Two, had my flirt on today... hmm :) always fun.
Three, i love lacrosse - new girl, wowwwoo this year we are going to do well. So hopeful!
Four, i shaved at walmart.
Five, I have a great job - divas i love you.
Six, realized that in a mere 20 days i will turn that old age of 18. Whoa!
Seven, Also realized that in a 12 days im going to be in disney land. :)
Eight, My family, and friends are crazy amazing, i love them and they support me so much. What more could i ask for?!
And nine... drum roll please.....
ACCEPTED TO BYU HAWAII!!!
Im feeling on top of the world. I probably wont sleep well tonight, but who needs sleep really? My Goodness there is someone up there looking down on me showering me with blessings today. I hope he is smiling cause i cant stop. AHHHH such a good day!!!!!
Ps..number ten... :)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

"5 years is nothing compared..."

Journal? Some times i open up and read what i have written from past events...
"He doesnt use a plate and he uses the SAME knife in the peanut butter and the jelly!!"
" I have honestly met my saving grace- a literal angel."
" I wouldnt say i love him quite yet because im afraid, but i hope that there is something in store for us because we just fit... he feels like home..."
" I have been praying for this answer for a long time"
" He just radiates."
" When i am with him... the world is a different place. I feel at peace."
" Do i looove him? I dont know... well, yes, actually i do, i love the person that he is. so.. well i guess i do.. i love him... huh... maybe im so in love that i am head over heels and just haven't realized that that is what this feeling is yet"
" Im really happy, in fact, i've never been this happy"
" alma 37:37.... jiwm..."
Journal? some times i open up and read what i have written from past events, sometimes i cry and i laugh and i wish and i feel feelings again... sometimes i realize what is happening and why... and i plan accordingly... but sometimes i wonder... Dec 26... i cant deny what i felt... i remember every detail... and the spot on the ceiling that i was looking at when it happened... so what now?... how do i find that...? and i think i have figured it out... cause nothing, nothing... has felt that way since...
Hold on baby girl walk with your head held high...
"five years is nothing compared..."
and this way...
i feel at peace...
everything will work out...
one way or another.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hindsight

Hindsight.
So sad i couldn't contain my feelings i went out on a drive. As the buildings and people blurred out of sight i found myself far from home. I thought alot about what i needed. What i wanted. why why why... I found myself alone... and hurt... even though promises were made saying you would never... i went back to december, and thought of 2014... it was so hard to wrap my head around everything... i tried to figure out where to go, how to contain myself, how to pick myself up... i decided that going to find a new piece of jewelery would be good for me.... i sifted through so many stores, so many places. It didnt matter how much it cost, but it had to do its purpose.... I couldn't find it... nothing spoke to me, nothing did anything for my broken soul, broken heart... that was until i was leaving the last store, calling it quits, going home, that i found one little rack of rings. And there it was, the perfect fix. A ring, a ring that would take the place of a necklace i once loved. Just the right size, and the only one left only a plain silver band with the words inscribed; "If god brought you to it, he will bring you through it." It was perfect. It was enough for me to remember to live in the future not the past, to live in faith not fear, to have the courage to do what i needed to do.
Hindsight.
Sometimes i look down at my ring and twist it around my index finger. I ponder what i have gotten through recently.. Tonight as i sat in that room, with thousands of people, all there for the same purpose, on a stand i had seen hundreds of times, i looked down at my finger... I read my motto... And i cried at how blessed i am to have what i have in my life and that miraculously i have found the strength somewhere to over come all that i have over come. As i watched that kind, strong, happy, old man come in to that huge hall and every soul in the room, thousands of people, stand in honor of him i realized again the answers to my questions months ago... i realized again what i truly needed, what i truly wanted, and why everything in my life has happened. My life has been like a big puzzle, this had to happen so that that could happen, which caused this to happen which gave me this and this and this... its amazing... i cant wait for the next piece... even though i probably wont realize it until its passed.. Isnt it wonderful when you can just sit and know that were you are at in your life is somewhere honest, and happy and fufilled and full of blessings... Well i had an overwhelming feeling tonight... As i listened to the ringing in the hall that fits twenty thousand people, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that god had brought me to alot of things not just because he could but for a purpose, and that he has always gotten me through it somehow, even if i didnt realize it at first. Tonight got me through.. What a blessing.
Hindsight.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Just what i needed


I dont need another person to make me happy.
Im happy just being single ol' me.
I am closer to my family, closer to my savior.
I have priorities straight.
Wait, i can make good use of time? yes, yes i can.
Grades are better.
Friends are closer.
I have more money, and more time.
I sleep at night time.
Everything seems more simple.
I cry less.
I smile a lot.
I feel great.
Im enjoying my life this year.
Got big plans, my plans, not anyone elses, not even influenced by them, mine.
This feels so wonderful, it just feels right.
I've been single and ive been taken and
You see im not even joking,
I dont need another person to make me happy.
I am truly happy being single steffany :)
And that is pretty cool i think.
Pretty sure this is where i needed to get before i run of to college. what a blessing.
Im Steffany. Im single. And im smiling.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

1/25 of a second

Coldplay sang it.
National Geographic illustrated.
And the world modeled.

"We live in a beautiful world."

























Someday i will travel to the nooks of nations and the corners of the seas.
I will take pictures that inspire.
Ill get down in my hands and knees and see the world through my lense.
Ill grow a deeper appreciation for the miricle that is Earth.
Ill examine the animals and the cultures.
I will meet war struck people and peer into there story telling eyes.
Connect with fellow humans, and wonder why i have been so blessed.
Ill share my knowledge of happiness.
Ill listen to the laughter of children around the world.
I will hear the crash of the waves and smell the salt of the sea.
Just me and my camera, on an adventure to capture one of my favorite things...
The beauty of the world.
Im going places in my life.
Someday I will travel to the nooks of the nations and the corners of the sea.