Sunday, January 29, 2012

"5 years is nothing compared..."

Journal? Some times i open up and read what i have written from past events...
"He doesnt use a plate and he uses the SAME knife in the peanut butter and the jelly!!"
" I have honestly met my saving grace- a literal angel."
" I wouldnt say i love him quite yet because im afraid, but i hope that there is something in store for us because we just fit... he feels like home..."
" I have been praying for this answer for a long time"
" He just radiates."
" When i am with him... the world is a different place. I feel at peace."
" Do i looove him? I dont know... well, yes, actually i do, i love the person that he is. so.. well i guess i do.. i love him... huh... maybe im so in love that i am head over heels and just haven't realized that that is what this feeling is yet"
" Im really happy, in fact, i've never been this happy"
" alma 37:37.... jiwm..."
Journal? some times i open up and read what i have written from past events, sometimes i cry and i laugh and i wish and i feel feelings again... sometimes i realize what is happening and why... and i plan accordingly... but sometimes i wonder... Dec 26... i cant deny what i felt... i remember every detail... and the spot on the ceiling that i was looking at when it happened... so what now?... how do i find that...? and i think i have figured it out... cause nothing, nothing... has felt that way since...
Hold on baby girl walk with your head held high...
"five years is nothing compared..."
and this way...
i feel at peace...
everything will work out...
one way or another.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


So sad i couldn't contain my feelings i went out on a drive. As the buildings and people blurred out of sight i found myself far from home. I thought alot about what i needed. What i wanted. why why why... I found myself alone... and hurt... even though promises were made saying you would never... i went back to december, and thought of 2014... it was so hard to wrap my head around everything... i tried to figure out where to go, how to contain myself, how to pick myself up... i decided that going to find a new piece of jewelery would be good for me.... i sifted through so many stores, so many places. It didnt matter how much it cost, but it had to do its purpose.... I couldn't find it... nothing spoke to me, nothing did anything for my broken soul, broken heart... that was until i was leaving the last store, calling it quits, going home, that i found one little rack of rings. And there it was, the perfect fix. A ring, a ring that would take the place of a necklace i once loved. Just the right size, and the only one left only a plain silver band with the words inscribed; "If god brought you to it, he will bring you through it." It was perfect. It was enough for me to remember to live in the future not the past, to live in faith not fear, to have the courage to do what i needed to do.
Sometimes i look down at my ring and twist it around my index finger. I ponder what i have gotten through recently.. Tonight as i sat in that room, with thousands of people, all there for the same purpose, on a stand i had seen hundreds of times, i looked down at my finger... I read my motto... And i cried at how blessed i am to have what i have in my life and that miraculously i have found the strength somewhere to over come all that i have over come. As i watched that kind, strong, happy, old man come in to that huge hall and every soul in the room, thousands of people, stand in honor of him i realized again the answers to my questions months ago... i realized again what i truly needed, what i truly wanted, and why everything in my life has happened. My life has been like a big puzzle, this had to happen so that that could happen, which caused this to happen which gave me this and this and this... its amazing... i cant wait for the next piece... even though i probably wont realize it until its passed.. Isnt it wonderful when you can just sit and know that were you are at in your life is somewhere honest, and happy and fufilled and full of blessings... Well i had an overwhelming feeling tonight... As i listened to the ringing in the hall that fits twenty thousand people, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that god had brought me to alot of things not just because he could but for a purpose, and that he has always gotten me through it somehow, even if i didnt realize it at first. Tonight got me through.. What a blessing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Just what i needed

I dont need another person to make me happy.
Im happy just being single ol' me.
I am closer to my family, closer to my savior.
I have priorities straight.
Wait, i can make good use of time? yes, yes i can.
Grades are better.
Friends are closer.
I have more money, and more time.
I sleep at night time.
Everything seems more simple.
I cry less.
I smile a lot.
I feel great.
Im enjoying my life this year.
Got big plans, my plans, not anyone elses, not even influenced by them, mine.
This feels so wonderful, it just feels right.
I've been single and ive been taken and
You see im not even joking,
I dont need another person to make me happy.
I am truly happy being single steffany :)
And that is pretty cool i think.
Pretty sure this is where i needed to get before i run of to college. what a blessing.
Im Steffany. Im single. And im smiling.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

1/25 of a second

Coldplay sang it.
National Geographic illustrated.
And the world modeled.

"We live in a beautiful world."

Someday i will travel to the nooks of nations and the corners of the seas.
I will take pictures that inspire.
Ill get down in my hands and knees and see the world through my lense.
Ill grow a deeper appreciation for the miricle that is Earth.
Ill examine the animals and the cultures.
I will meet war struck people and peer into there story telling eyes.
Connect with fellow humans, and wonder why i have been so blessed.
Ill share my knowledge of happiness.
Ill listen to the laughter of children around the world.
I will hear the crash of the waves and smell the salt of the sea.
Just me and my camera, on an adventure to capture one of my favorite things...
The beauty of the world.
Im going places in my life.
Someday I will travel to the nooks of the nations and the corners of the sea.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Lost and Found

Although one may often wish,
To forget their past mistakes...
To leave behind their hardships,
No matter what's at stake -
To ignore the lessons,
That they've learned over all the years...
And disregard their heartaches,
Their pains, their trials, and tears -
I've come to know that i cannot,
Regret the life that i have led...
I cannot be apologetic,
For the things i've done or said -
I cannot live a life of anger,
For the sufferings that i have faced....
Or think that tears that i have shed,
Should ever be replaced -
The moments of which i faltered,
Or made an unwise choice...
The times that i should've stood up,
But somehow lost my voice -
Along with the times i did stand strong,
And lived up to my potential...
Have all joined together to form a road,
That each soul finds essential.
For each step that i take along,
The road that has come to be...
I find myself a few steps closer,
To finding the girl who's me -
And as i travel on the road,
I glance behind my shoulder to realize what i see...
Not a life of hated memories but,
A road that's led me to be free -
For a knowledge rests within my mind,
And a power in my heart...
I find the courage somewhere within,
To create a fresh new start.
For now i know what makes me smile.
And all that brings me down.
I know where i can turn when there is no one around.
He has blessed my life more than words can say
With all the trials that have come my way.
So although one may wish,
To forget the road from where they have come...
Its been the path that's brought them to,
Where they can see the Son.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


good year. lots of lessons. lots of fun. lots to remember.
cant believe its over, but, im ready for this new year.
its going to be even better. :)