Today I want to address my life just a little. Now, please, understand that I have been trying to get up the courage to do this for about 5 months. I am scared and unsure about most of what is going on with me. I have been riding an emotional roller coaster for longer than I ever wanted to, and I am certainly ready to get off soon. ( I was ready to get off a while ago honestly) Today I talk about what is wrong with me. That is kind of a hard statement to make. And for any of you that have had to say it as well, I know how you feel. Of course I can’t really control it, but I still have to come to terms with the fact that there is something wrong with me. Something that hasn’t been able to be detected in any about of blood work, nerve testing, urine sample, MRI, or cat scan. I am still searching for answers. I am still searching for a cause. I am still searching for relief.
I have stabbing pains that run throughout my entire body every day. Sometimes they come for long about of times when I can hardly move. I stay in my bed those days. My body so weak and fatigued, wishing I could just melt into the sheets and never move again. Some days they flutter through my body and randomly visit me at work, while I drive as I shop at the store. It’s a sensation that is a dull underlying ache that pulsates in my joins, muscles, or bones- just annoying and painful enough to make me notice it, but not enough to stop my everyday life. I look healthy and normal to everyone around me, but inside is a different story. On days when it’s a bit more serious I experience a pain - or a sensation that I can only describe as “someone stabbing me”. Sharp, sudden pain that pinpoints an area and floods its surroundings with waves of tingles and throbbings. When those happen- my reflexes take over, and my arms and legs kick and flail as the reflex of those certain sharp painful moment. It looks ridiculous.
They come into my hands as I am typing. They attack my back muscles and give me terrible back aches. My neck is almost always tight and stiff. Sleeping is another story- let’s just say it’s hard some nights. I lose interest in food and feel nauseous frequently. I can hardly exercise due to the repercussions. For days on end I will be regretting that I physically exerted myself. I feel weak and frail and fragile. Something I have never really felt before in my life. Doctors and I have tried a lot of things. A lot of pills, a lot of remedies, but not a whole lot seems to touch it. That is honestly very sad. And on some days when the pain is really bad, I get discouraged. I cry a lot. I sleep a lot. I feel lazy a lot. I get upset that I can’t do what I once could. I tell people I am fine cause I am tired of saying I am not, and getting the look from them that I am helpless(I know that is not what it is, just feels like it sometimes)... It’s frustrating, I mean, I look perfect on paper, every test has come back beautifully, and I am the poster child for the perfect image of health… Only problem is that I am not.
I never expected to be “this” person. I was, and have always been a very physical and energetic person. I try to keep that up and stay positive, but truth is it is really hard some days.
Just about now I feel that I need to say. I am not asking for pity, I don’t want it. I am not asking for everyone to treat me differently, I don’t want that either. I am actually still quite happy and feel very blessed for the things that I have. My family and friends have been so supportive. I have had wonderful doctors. I am still able to function as a normal human being most days. I know that God still loves me and that he is VERY aware of the struggles I face every day. My fiancé has carried me and held me as I cry out of frustration, pain or anger as I try to make it through some days. I really am so happy and grateful for the things that I have. I am simply just bringing to light the everyday struggle that I face. I am writing it - one for me, that I can face my fears, and finally own this terrible thing I go through, and two, I am writing it to say that if you are facing something similar, maybe not physically like myself, but If you are struggling everyday with something overwhelming at times, that you are not alone. Other people understand. I understand. Our Savior understands.
You see, I first got sick when I was our serving a mission. Let me tell you, I was humbled. I was really humbled; I prayed and prayed and prayed that I could get better, that I could work harder, that I could share more joy with those that needed it, something that I had, if I could only get out of bed…My faith could move those mountains... But then when I realized that I wasn’t getting better, that it wasn’t God’s plan for me to stay out there teaching and sharing his message, my heart broke. I cried and cried the night we decided I had to come home to get better. But you know what? As soon as I got home, as soon as I stepped on the plane to leave, my heart and mind were filled with peace, the most reassuring peace I had ever felt. One that I KNEW could not have come from me. And as I felt that peace I knew that it was all going to be okay.
Through this whole thing- through all the medications, tears, sleepless nights… through all the anger frustration, humility, joy, pain and emotional goop- I have come to realize one thing in my life that maybe I had forgotten...
That there is a PLAN for every single one of us. That there will never be anything too difficult to get through. That my Savior- Jesus Christ- knows ME, that he felt the way I FEEL, on the days when I’m at my worst, and he did that because HE LOVES ME. I may not know why all of this is happening the way that it is. I may never find out what this is. But I am learning that through these hardships and incredible feats, that I am stronger every day because of it, that I am being shaped into who I need to be for my Savior. I am learning of the love and service others offer me and give me freely. I feel my Saviors love through them and realize just how blessed I am to have them in my life.
These last Eight months have been a struggle, they really really have. But I wouldn’t take them back. I have grown and learned and relied more on what is truly important during this time in my life. I know that I would not have grown so much without this amazingly challenging trial.
It’s all for my good, it's really a blessing I am receiving, and again, if you happen to be struggling, know that it is for your good as well. I know that that is true, if you look for all that is going right in your life, even if it feels like it’s falling apart, you will find that you are blessed beyond belief. You will love it, and it will change your whole perspective. That is where I am finding the healing. It is not being offered by some medical pill, not by some magic tea, but through and ONLY THROUGH my faith in Christ. He heals my aching soul.
And we all need healing.
“I never said it would be easy, I just said it would be worth it”