Open Your Lips and Let the Sound Come Out

Fear is such an interesting thing,
It drives you to do things you wouldn't normally do....

I am scared, scared of what is going to come, what is happening,
Scared of this whole thing,
Scared of you and scared of me...
Together...

SPEAK.
Say something,
Anything.

I need to hear it.

I need you to speak.

Calm me down, insure a little confidence into me.

I know it is wrong to let others into your life and allow them to control you in some ways, but i am not going to lie, i like what i have... To a certain point... Am i really happy?...
I am afraid i caused this...
I am happy, when i am next to you, when i can see you, hear you, smell you, touch you... anything with you,
But i am too attached, too early...
I made my life too hard...
I did this to myself...
I hate this...
Its not fair...
A waiting game that will seem to last a life time.

Why do i have to do such stupid things?..
But at first it sounded so smart...
I decive myself...

The other end of this...
Tell me, are we matching?
Are you not concerned at all?
Speak speak speak..
Please...
I feel like i am going crazy, locked up in my own head...
SPEAK!

Wonder Wander

I wonder how much hope i have bundled in the wrong idea...
I wonder what is really going wrong right now when i think its right...
I wonder what is in store for me, and for what i want, can i have it...
I wonder if you read this...
I wonder if anyone can tell where my words come from...
I wonder if i am too depressing, too happy, too critical, too... something....
I cant help but wonder....



But the more i wonder, the more i wander,
And the more confused i get...


I wonder what i can do and cant do, so then i wander into the territory of my unknown, and the more confused i get... You see because then i try to do what is right maybe after its too late, and
then feelings get hurt and silence begins and i am miserable again...



So maybe i should stop this stupid wondering that seems to cost me,
I am sick and tired of being taxed for being me...



I am running myself over, and over again...
But this is all too strong to be stopped, everything is too important to me,
So i continue the strength of my own disaster...
Killing me... all by myself...

Cant i change?...



Stop wondering steff.
Stop wandering steff.
Be normal.
Be someone else...
Become...



Sometimes, i simply hate me.

Encore Anyone?

And yet again,

I feel at a dead end.

I speak my mind and you react much differently then i wanted.

I dont know what to do.

Can i say what i want?

I know i cant convince who you are, so now what?

I sit here and ponder,

I sit here and wonder,

I sit here and plead,

I dont really know what i do as i sit here,

But I feel almost numb,

And am curious to know what will happen next.

I am not a big fan of this game we seem to play.

But oh well, i play it with you.

And yet again,

I feel a dead end.

Farewell

What makes me jump my fingers across this keyboard anyways?
Its not that i love the words that show up,
Or the fact that it makes a click with every hop...
But it is the purest thing i know, that thing that happens when i do this...
Feelings. Emotions. Passion.
And that is why i do this skipping hoping and jumping dance
Its been awhile since i have let my fingers roam free on this trampoline of feelings
But it is okay cause with every hop i feel...
I feel
I feel
And i love it.


Today i write not to complain but out of graditude for the finer things that life brings...


As i look at my red toe nails on the green green grass they shine in the sun and my home made tattoo on my leg looks silly but i dont have to cover it up with jeans anymore ...


Summer runs through my veins



And i can hardly wait,
I feel like a little girl on christmas about to open the present i have always wanted.



Its coming, it almost here!


And what a blessing it will be to have this break...
Cause you see this year has been my hardest year ever.
I doubt i will ever have a harder year.
Understand I am not just saying academically but with everything.
Sure, studies were hard but certain things brought me to my all time low...
I was living in the dark when for others the sun was shining.
And as i look back now that the summer sun has hit my face and i am living in the sun too
I think back
To the cold of winter and heartache that has happened...


And oddly enough am grateful...


Even myself who is feeling these things is still slightly confused,
But you see i believe everything happens for a reason,
Leading you to the path you need to be traveling...



Summer will be yet another one of my new starts but it will feel ten times
Better this summer then any other i have had
And it is not because i have extravagent vacations planned or something to look forward to
But it is that sweet feeling of The race being over.
The amazing feeling of over coming something hard, and coming out on top.
I worked hard to even be the way i am now, and a good break will treat my soul well.
Payback for all the thing i have done.

I am grateful for the hardship this year that will let me enjoys this summer,
I am grateful for the opportunity to be given curve ball after curve ball that i know will be such a learning experience for the rest of my life.
I am grateful for all the tears i have shed, cause they make me able to understand the tears of my neighbor.
I am grateful for the trials cause they made me realize what really was important in life.
I am grateful for this year, although hard, because I have understood this world and the things it can bring.
I am grateful for this year that i have absolutely dreaded and hated most the way through because, now next year can be better, next year will be better.
I am grateful for those weird thing i have said,
They have shaped me to be the person i am today.
This year proved who i am and showed me myself.




I am grateful for those trials and hardships but please know
I would never do my sophmore year again... ever.
So mostly i am grateful for the chance for it to end



Here i come summer, my new start, my life renewed!
Here i come fields of grass, water recreation and sunburns!
Here i come world, i see you differently now and your beauty astounds me!



All in all,
Thank you trials
But
Goodbye year
And
Hello life!

Hometown Glory

The big yellow circle in the sky shines so bright.

Whispering to my skin of summer.

Pushing light fluffy clouds into my mind.

Every thing wonderful around this sun;

The birds chirping, flowers blooming, crysal clear blue skys,

Beauty.

The wind blowing... wind blowing.

Here comes the wind.

And white fluffy clouds in sight.

The artistic clouds come and paint the sky with imagination.

But all of mother nature's drawings and doodles cover the suns bright welcoming grin is.

The wind picks up, forcing its way into the clouds.

Those white fluffy coulds.

And those perfect white clouds start to bleed, bleed gray from the wind.

The gray infects the perfect being of my beloved soft cloud.

Covering my favorite smile, the wind picks up.

The world knows fear.

I feel the fear.

Infected by the gray, the cloud dies, and falls apart.

The once white clouds infects the earth.

Disease leaking to the innocent ground below,

No hope of being saved.

The once loved blue skys are covered, to dark to see them now.

We are dying from the disease leaked onto us.

Darkness fills the soul, darkness fills the heart, and like the cloud, i start to bleed.

I cant help but bleed, infected by the leak.

The rain sits inside me.

Forming puddles of my own poison.

Ready to infect you too.

Until,

That same wind that brought the world fear, blew it all away.

A glimmer of the suns smile shines through the dead clouds.

And even though the poison from the clouds has cover the ground,

It forms a remarkable thing.

From the pain, and from the sick,

A story.

A healing.

Beauty.

Even through the darkest of dark sickned clouds,

Beauty.

The rainbow shows, creating peace to the soul,

My sickened soul, my sickned heart.

And i am healing.

Before the storm, our world was pretty,

And now that the dark clouds have come and now are gone,

Our world is Beautiful.

Through the darkness comes the most beautiful things.

Even if we dont know why.

And i dont know why.

Punches and Blows Hurt Less

Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me,

But if only you could see.

That really the body can take its blows time after time and always heal,

But time after time of nasty words you really cant help but feel.

Whatever you may hear,

I am beinging to fear,

That some will believe.

Dont.

Consider your source and ask yourself,

Should i take that down or leave it on my shelf?

Is it really important to degrade a human being,

A human being... who has feeling?

Just like you do.

Does this need to be said?

Should i leave this in my head?

Careful what you say and do please,

Cause what you say and do, doesn't only effect you.

Do i Have Another Choice?

I cant;

the way it is will be no more.

I wont;

im fed up with it. honestly.

I am sorry;

sorry it had to fall apart like this.

But i wont let this get me down;

peace is in sight, sad as that may be.

Finally;

no more lies, no more pain, no more mothering to some that is not mine.

Ah;

i am free to be me.

I wish you the best of luck;

cause you think that you know what is best for you, okay fine.

this will be best for me.

"so stop telling me what to do"

enough said.

I cant;

no more miss me, eating the food you want me to see.

i am fed up and full of all the crap you have given me.

I wont;

feel much more than this

I am sorry though;

good luck. its a tough world out there.

But this wont let me down;

cause you pushed me away.

Ah;

make your own life;

you said it yourself you wanted to be acknowledged,

and this will get you that...

no more sidekick

become your own hero (?)

if you can

But no more of this

"you did this by yourself"

so im just letting you go,

go do it by yourself like you want...

do whatever you want.

cause you already have anyways.

i didnt let you down i realize that,

but i am sorry that you couldnt hear or see what i tried to do for you...

oh well, all you can do is say, i tried my best... right?

amd i have, more than once.

its sad this just isnt working out.

dont think that this is just becuase of your recent mistakes,

i just cant take it,

the same ones being made over and over again.

im proud you have your life in order. i really am.

i hope that you keep it that way.

honestly i do.

Blow Away in the Wind

As i sit here and look at the computer screen my mind is fluttered with thoughts...

How do i say what i need to say?
You know, that thing that has been running, twirling, and bouncing around in my noggin all day...



So i guess i shall just say what needs to be said...
Get it out of my head.



As the day progressed and my mind recharged,
I wondered what i could do you settle your alarm,
Casue those things you say, make me feel all that harm...
Not the harm that others inflicted on you,
But the stuff that you did, to you.



I pondered this many times before, but today it was especially on my mind.
Some may think i am crazy or uneccesarily worrisome, but i think it needs to be done.
You have hurt yourself, and to me you are a special one.
So i keep on wondering, walking around for an answer to be found...
But i am not sure i can find what i want to be found.

And as i think about it more and more, a sheer realization... i cant do a thing.
I feel so useless... so helpless... so sad... i have no use.
Cause i am afraid i cant stop yourself from your own abuse.



Of course your wound is from so long ago,
But you cant seem to let it heal, cause you wont let it go.
I am here to tell you its okay,
You dont have to hurt, not one more day.


Please let it go.
Learn but dont hold on.
I will be here for you all along the way,
But please i beg, do as i say,
Let this pain fall away.
Let this pain fall away.
It doesn't have to stay....














I love you.