just four little letters.

Its that feeling you know so well.

Where your heart picks up its pace like its going somewhere, like it is going to jump out of your chest and do a little dance.

Its that feeling you miss so much.

Where you wish that at night when you lay your head down that it were laying there with you. Right next to you. Tied to you. Never letting go.

Its that feeling you wish for.

When you are driving alone and "your" song comes on. Your mind plays back exactly where you were and how you danced and how he smiled at you.

Its that feeling that confuses me.

I want it so badly, but realized i miss giving it more. with every fiber in me, i want to give.

Its that feeling i felt last night.

When i layed in the grass and took a stroll down memory lane. My eyes closed i just remember what we had said, done and laughed at on that same grass.

Its that feeling that makes you crazy and sane.

Its that feeling that keeps you up at night but puts you to sleep.

Its that feeling that makes me and breaks me.

Its that feeling that brings so much hurt yet so much joy.

Its that feeling again.

I felt its sweetness last night.

Its that feeling again.

That familar feeling of love.

Opposition in All things

The bright beautiful colors of a sun rise would never be as briliant without the night.
To truly appreciate a clean dish you have to see it filthy.
Summer would hardly be as special if we didnt have to go through nine months of school.
A paycheck would not be as satifying without the hours of work you put forth to get it.
Food in a hungry tummy wouldnt be as filling without first the aching hunger.
Seeing a person for the first time in a while wouldnt be as exciting if you had seen them every day for ten years.
To truly appreciate togetherness, you must first be alone.
A soft pillow wouldnt be as comforting without sleepy eyes.
Sweat must fall in hours of practice to feel victorious when you have won the final game.
Flowers never look more beautiful when the creep up through the last melting snow.
Air conditioning feels best when stepping out of the pounding heat.
Smiles are never brighter then after a good cry.
Confidence comes from being unsure at first.
Hot waffles taste better after a week of wheaties for breakfast.
Blue skies are never more blue then after a rain storm.
To know what peace is, you have to know what stress is.
New life would not be as valuable without the knowledge of a passed loved one.
Feeling healthy is best after you have been sick.
Happiness is learned only after you learn what sad is.
White looks cleaner, next to black.
To know what love is you must experience hurt.

To truly appreciate life, you must see the opposition in all things.
Cause it makes the bright, even brighter.
And that is beautiful.

The clouds roll across the sky puffy and white.
The birds chirp their little songs and life could never be better.
Fun, laughter and smiles. You're out and about with so many people.
With all the friends and girls you please.

I sit here and find myself struggling. At little things, stupid things. Yet they hurt.
Clouds roll over my head now adays but i dont go out to see them. I sleep or write.
I cry about the old days. I want to be out and about too but havent a clue who to call...
And they dont call me... and if someone does. im at work. and its too late.
Over so much time my relationships dwindled with others and there isnt much left.
Its my fault i know, and that makes it worse.
But it was an accident cause well, i was head over heels for you...
Dont get me wrong, im happy that you're happy.
you just wont see it on my face.

For you the earth kept spinning
For me... it didnt.


it hurts to be replaced.

Miracles

A light knock on the door woke me up this morning. courtneys small terror struck voice whispered "Daddys in the hospital"...


It's a surreal feeling as you walk into the ER of the hospital. You pass all those people waiting and wonder what it is that you will be seeing in a very short amount of time... Your heart stops beating for a minute as you walk through the doors and you see the room number that you are suppossed to walk through. Room number 40. He laid in the bed in his hospital clothes talking to the officer, his head lifted just enough to see the deep red blood stain on the pillow. two at a time in the room so, i waited outside in the waiting room. you repeat the nurses words "its a miracle he is alive" over and over and over again...


Just another normal day, he left to go to work around 6:30. Im sure he checked his mirrors like he usually does, and probably adjusted the seat like always but today, his missed the seat belt.. Not but five minutes from his office he stopped at a red light for a moment, and a moment it was... for there was only enough time to hear the brakes scream behind him before the impact. The white truck hit the back of his little subaru and launched the car through the interection into a cement island across the intersection... glass few all over the road the car completely totaled... he was inside...


I want to thank those people who stopped their cars and their lives for him. I want to say thank you for all those saints to went and called for help. I want to say thank you to the officers and the paramedics who carefully used the jaws of life to cut him out, and put him in the ambulence. I want to thank my heavenly father for letting him live today. Cause he is my daddy, my one and only daddy and i love him very much.


It was weird to pass the place that it happened and see the car totaled. It was weird to see the road cones and signs alerting everyone to use a different pathway cause there was an accident... I thought to myself, i wonder what people are thinking.. i wonder what peole said, i wonder if they thought of us... even though i knew they didnt know me or my family, but i wondered still the same...


Tuesday June 14th. 8:00 am. My daddy got hit at 50 miles an hour by a drunk driver. He wasnt wearing a seatbelt. Please anyone who reads this, there are two lessons to be learned. One: no matter how good of a driver you are always wear your seatbelt, you never know who you'll run into... or who will run into you.... And two, miracles happen. every day.

thats all.

so many words to say yet i havent a word to mutter tonight.

Art. Art is what its called.

Strokes of paint brush across the crisp white canvas. The deep blues go for a swim to make it lighter and the reds too turn light pink as they dive into the water. The brushes sweep and leap and dance too and fro from colors to water to paper. The colors love eachother and wish to blend as you want. Art. art is what it is called, watercolor to be exact. This is now what i do in the early hours of the morning to calm my healing soul. There is something in creating something beautiful from globs of paint and water... its relaxing and wonderful. This is my night now. Tubes of paint and water, just painting out my feelings, my worries, my fears, my saddness, but mostly my thoughts. Its incredible that when i pick up the brush i just forget what has happened in my day and life recently, it is just me the paper and the brush. working together to create good working together until i can fall asleep with out thought. Maybe its slightly wrong, not facing any of my thoughts but, it is therapeutic and its what i need.





Art. Art is what it is called, but to me its called healing.

Regift

A Shiny metal chain hung around my neck for the last million hours. didnt come off since the moment you gave it to me months ago... ingraved were "s" and "j". the letters beautifuly scribed rested on my chest. beat after beat the chain felt what it belonged to- not my neck but my heart... my heart. The chain represented more than money, a gift, silver jewelery... it represented my life - S&J.... tonight i had to give that precious gift back. i slowly unclasped the clasp and held it... but it was attached to my heart, so when i gently lowered the chain into your strong hand i placed my heart there too.. be kind please. because when i gave that back i was giving more than silver chain.

Somedays are like today.

It is sad when people you know become people you knew.
When you can walk right past someone like they were never a part of your life.
How you used to talk all the time, and now all you can do is look the other way when you come across them.... or maybe just nod at eachother.

Today my heart hurts.

i miss parts of my old life.

i miss some things alot.

And today i realized it quite alot...

That i have hurt my heart when i was trying to fix it.



Today my heart hurts.