Tonka

Walk with me on the soft shores,

A place that we met.

Take me back to that moment in time,

Where you smiled at me with your whole soul.

One little dimple, on the right side of your cheek shown. 

Weave your fingers into mine,

Like we've done before.

Take my waist like you are not afraid,

Pull me close to you and never loosen your grip.

Tell me one of your silly stories,

One that makes me laugh.

Entrance me with those facial expressions of yours.

Smile at me with those big brown eyes until they wrinkle at the corners. 

Sing all the songs under your breath,

when looking at the stars.

Feel the sand on your back and me to your right,

Ill be there, next to you every day singing the words too.

Sometimes,

Not everything is meant to last for forever,

Sometimes,

It is just for the now, 

And sometimes,

That is all you really need.

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Like clockwork

A small clock sits on my wrist everyday whispering my next agenda for the hour- reminding me I am in a hurry or  telling me I have time to sit back and smell the coffee- it is there in the times of trouble or in the times of calm.. just sitting there ticking away.. managing my time and my life.

It is strange that day by day nothing seems to change but then you turn around one day and everything is different. Like you have been blind the whole time, yet you know you saw the whole thing unfold... it was just too small to actually pinpoint the place that the change took place. Its been gradual... so gradual you didn't even notice. It was inbetween the hours and seconds on that face of time. And with every second of time, every tick on that clock, things have changed, and they have changed alot.. I find I dont worry about things too much anymore- because everything just seems to be falling into place. Perfectly. For the First time. The first time in my life where I feel this way. And I think I know why that is. .. It is not because I have all of a sudden recieved everything I have ever longed for and everything is flawless- no. It is because I have for the first time in my life - decided that with every tick on that watch and with every change that slowly creeps into my life.. that that is exactly what is supposed to be happening.. I trust the second hand and the hours to do what they are supposed to do...  the clock always ticks, and for the first time I am ticking too.  Allowing the gears to take me as they may enjoying any second that they bring me to... And as i let the gears turn I smile... realizing that while I am along for a pretty crazy ride sometimes that- there is a man who made that time. He is the master of all time- he wants me to tick right along with him. trusting his workmanship... what a great gift my watch has been- what a great blessing the ticks and turning gears have brought... they have brought the most peaceful, content, and lovely feeling in the entire world.


Everything that is happening now. Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Is what is supposed to be happening. It is making me the person I am supposed to be.

 

 

 

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize that there is nothing lacking the whole world truly belongs to you.

And that is beyond beautiful.

 

 

5000 miles of you on my mind

I got shot with a flour gun last night. by a pretty dumb boy. Of course it was a joke, and obviously all in good fun, but it hurt. A lot actually. i had been the butt of the joke all evening. Adding insult to injury i was just done. I went home...

I had a dream last night of course after i cleaned up and had a good cry... and you were still there. Still there. in my head. Stop it. just stop. I want to stop so much i want a new standard of something/someone new to compare to. But there you are EVERY day. just a standard i have set i suppose. Something that my fingers wont let go of. even though I know yours are long gone... and that fact doesn't even bother me.

I think its this time of year. The cool air. The soft breeze. the crunchy leaves. The smell of the bitter cold mornings. The sweaters and hats i wore around you... i fell in love with you this time of year.

Once you said she did things with other fellas that she did with that one boy. I'm doing that... like you said. maybe if i do it with other guys it wont mean anything... but that isn't true... i just think of you. every time  Pinky promise. football games. rapper names. same jokes. same places. same feelings. different boy. always the same thought.... you. But why?

I am honestly so happy that you are happy. you seem so accomplished and you just seem to be exactly where you are supposed to be at. with her. I like her, i always have. darling girl. cute clothes and personality.

And i am happy too. I know i am where i am supposed to be, single and playful...
I just cant shake it. i just cant.

Its amazing how when the smells come out this time of year, or if i hear one song, or see one picture of you.... i go right back. like it was yesterday. like nothing ever happened. but it did. everything happened.

we haven't spoken in months.. yet to this day when some dumb boy makes me cry late at night your number teases me on the screen of my phone. your the person i want to talk to. your the one i want to stick up for me...  even though you are literally thousands of miles away. and we don't know each other anymore.

If i could let go would i?
i mean really?
If i could chose to forget... would i?

I dont know. i really have no clue.

So much time is ahead of me and so many other guys will come into play but sometimes i wonder... why am i   still waking up thinking of you? why are you still the hero in my dreams? why cant i shake what happened years ago? why cant i just let go? why not forget? why why why?

I mean really we are five thousand miles apart..

Fall has always been my favorite season... but its always been just a little bitter sweet too...

someday i will stop thinking of you.

Twitterpated

When you stop looking for it, it finds you.
And I believe this to be true.
I stopped looking
And I stopped caring and well
Truth is....


I am totally and completely twitterpated.



Other truth about this is,

he hardly knows.


Sometimes I feel really small and insignificant. And sometimes I feel like that alot. But other times I feel very important and very needed. I just havent felt that as much. I think that knowing both feelings quite well make it all the better to feel very important.

I really want to date him. I really want to be his girl. I really think that he is something special. I really think that it could work. I really do. I really think that i would have never found him on my own. I really hope that this is the next step in my life. I really like him. I really like him. I REALLY like him. I was supposed to meet him. I know that. How? well you see there is a story, one of those crazy stories that you only hear when people meet in the movies type of story.

He is my best friends cousin's cousin. Ya. I met him in California, on the beach... we both live in Utah, in the mountains.

I was supposed to go to California with 5 girls five days later than when I went. I was supposed to not go at all. But I went. I was supposed to only go to the beach that day, but ended up in a gated community with complete strangers. I was supposed to go to lots of beaches, but only went to one mainly.  I was supposed to not stay an extra day, but I did.

It was the perfect alignment of weird events that happened just ever so perfectly so that I could happen to meet a guy that is funny, and silly, and tall, and tan, and righteous, and caring, and artistic, and musical, and strong, and athletic, and stylish, and CUTE AS HECK, and totally and completely my type. Someone who just happens to love dogs, and the beach, and pictures, and adventure... just like me. Someone who just happens to be getting out of a relationship, who just happens to live in highland utah, and just happens to be moving to provo?? You see? I was supposed to meet him. It's pretty clear... I just dont know for what yet.

And now I am really really really hopeful that, after a year of feeling very small and insignificant, that this one person can make me feel important again., and that maybe that is the reason we met on a sandy beach a thousand miles away from home.

Please please please. I want nothing less than to date this young man... he is just too good to pass up And I promise whoever is in charge of my future, and his... that I will be really good to him... and I promise that I will make him happy like I think he can make me. I dont remember feeling this taken in a very long time. I dont remember meeting anyone in such a perfect storm of events before. I promise to be the best I can be. Please please please just let this happen for me.... i've been so patient... and im totally and completely twitterpated.

HEY YOU!!! Check out this post, please and thanks :)

Hello followers of this blog, I have made an executive decision, I have decided to channel my love for writing in other ways. I will still post on this blog occasionally, however, if you wish you hear from me on a more regular basis, I will be writing on my new blog. It is called Something lovely. Give it a look. Cause it is going to be wonderful. I hope that this new blog can be a better outlet for my thoughts and such.

www.rememberlittlemoments.blogspot.com

P.S. Thank you for following me here. I really do appreciate it. Hope to see you following my new blog.

sleep thoughts.

Maybe its why my subconscious still finds you.

Letting it all out.

Isnt it interesting how a dream can work? You have absolutely no power over what you will see in your sleepy little head, yet somewhere deep down you still remember some things forgotten. Some things that you have forgotten while you were awake. And maybe this is why i have suddenly been remembering? I couldnt recall thinking of these things throughout the day or, seeing them in weeks, yet there they are night after night. Maybe dreams exsist to remind you of things that you once loved, like your best friends hot tub, or her awesome backyard, from when you were six. Or that one guy you dated from freshman year, who you really didnt date, it was mainly just a title. Or maybe they are there to refresh your memory of the hurt you once felt, so you can realize how good you have it when you wake up. Dreams might exsist just to simply entertain your family at the breakfast table when you tell them your latest "adventure"... But right now i just think my dreams are there to keep mind mind moving through out the day... Why do i dream of these things that i never wanted to think of again. Why does my selfconscious go there? I tell myself no no no. too much hurt. keep away. Yet my dreams mock me. I think i know why one chararcter has come along. He always represents a certain feeling, but you. I dont get it, cause the character has changed... im not a dream interperter but, i think i know why you have come along lately. I've been bugged and my mind pushes it away in the day but at night i cant fight it anymore. What a hypocrite you have become... and i think that deep down that has hurt me... And i know its not my place at all really to say that kind of thing, but apparently its been on my mind lately, and i want it to go away... heres for hoping, let me free dreams. Im letting it out. now stop it.

It hurts to have excuses thrown at your face.

It hurts to know that you were so easily replaced.

It hurts to know you dont even care.

It hurts to know that love isnt fair.

But i am STRONG i really am,

Just unloading built up emotion.

Just go away now cause i am done,

I release my true devotion.

Maybe?

It began in the small hours of the night.

A simple sound, an idea. Internal fight.

Brush it away day after day.

Erase the words that he did say.

Time took the words right from his lip

Losen your fingers on the grip.

Sometimes I feel it would be easier

That life would be breezier

With someone sitting by my side.

With someone who would in me take pride.

I have never played this part before

Lonely have I never felt more.

But not lonely in its tradition

Just longing for a simple addition.

One plus two.

A "me" and a 'you".

I wish for someone to come and sweep me off my feet,

Someone who smiles when we greet.

I wish for that feeling of importance

Not the feeling of ignorance.

I wish for that feeling of going home when wrapped in his arms

And being swooned by his simple charms.

I want to feel safe.

I need to feel safe.

I wish for honesty to flow

And a trust to grow.

So many have said they'd keep me,

Yet alone here I be.

I do not pitty myself, or call this last resort

I just wish for acceptance when i've come up short

I'll be patient.

I'll wait.

I've done so already.

Not throwing my love out

To anyone eager roaming about.

It means more to me.

I'd invest anything to have you see.

I am cute and maybe slightly funny,

But id hold you tighter than anyone honey.

Just give me the chance.

Give me my next person at a glance.

I just want to meet him.

Im ready. Excitment flowing over the brim-

Come on over

Summer boyfriend.

secret to your soul

The picture that you have always painted.
You can draw it in your sleep.
Has changed.
Ever so slightly,
Ever so softly.
But just for the better.
But just for the best.
And no one knows.
It's tucked safely inside,
That fold within that beats and thumps within your breast.
Silent, yet screaming as it talks to your hands.
Only to your hands.
Watch those hands.
What makes them move?
what is the secret to the soul that moves those hands.
Those hands that paint the picture.

Rip the human race open,
Peer inside the whole.
Peer inside the hole.
Rip you open.
Look into your soul.
Changed.
Altered.
But only for the better.
But only for the best.
Darkness once filled the cavity that beams.
Light after the dark.
Calm after the storm.
Push past the light, im searching for the soul.
I feel the breeze from your chest,
I've drown in the sea.
Watching the trouble to stay afloat..
I've felt it too.
Looking so close i see myself there inside of you.
Buried down deep behind the rocks and rubble.
Interseresting i found myself sitting in that dark soul.
Souls meet at the darkest of spots.
You are in me and i am in you.
Is that the secret to your soul?
What is the secret?
The secret that has moved your hands.
Those gentle hands that paint the picture.

Silence.
Listen to the sound of silence, watch what it does.
It makes the picture.
The picture you could paint in your sleep.
For it is not the connection but rather the disconnect.
Scream.
Your hands will move.
The secret is only for your soul to know how to make them.

Secret to your soul.
What is the secret to your soul?