I guess, i am human, certain things keep me warm and others freeze me...
I need to write my slow motion scene down, so i can get on...
It needs to be done.
Alice with her voice raging down the road, took me to the sight of the last time i would see him...
My hair loosely tucked into a cap, wearing my finest sweat pants and t shirts, no make up, just me, i had a lovely night up until i turned the corner. Alice's lights hit him... and her... and.... her. Both of them just sitting on the curb, as if they knew i were coming... i sat there, in my car, took a deep breath and thought to myself, this will end badly, i took my key out of the ignition and turned off the lights... slow motion took over, i opened the car door went around the front of alice and faced him... and her... by this time, outrage running in my veins, wondering what i should even say, what i should even do, what was going to happen next... and as the conversation continued, my eyes leaked onto my shirt, onto my palms, onto the road, into my soul... my ears must have decived me, ask the same things over and over... and i lost control... slow motion i lost myself, broken in two, the face i had stared at for hours and hours in total bliss, with it smiling right back at me, was as solid as stone, no emotion no concern no sincerety... my broken soul had to find justice... my legs, feet and hands hit his stone wall of a face and body... with each contact, the person i once knew more than myself broke, brusing my hand and ankle, each hit slow motion i closed my eyes and let the tears roll down my soaking cheeks as i remembered all the times i jokingly did this same thing, jokingly hit, for fun and all the times we would laugh, or he would hold me so tight nothing could touch me, but... all the fun times we had were falling off my body and chipping off his with each hit, i broke us until we were bare...exposed and i realize i dont know him... the neighbors came out as if it were a show, but i didnt care, he broke my world with his selfishness... the yells echoed in my head and down the street...
And they echo in my mind now as i realize all the years of good memories and all the tender moments i shared with him were ending in one fight that could not be fixed. one fight i didnt want to mend... going to the swings, chasing one another around, falling asleep one his chest, him doing the same, the words that had been said, the feelings i felt... gone... like before...
And i am done. I dont need anymore slow motion scenes for they last far too long. The only thing i have left from him are the brusies on my leg and the tear in my heart, those are the last things i will ever get from him.
I swear on my life. I will fix this, and never look back.
i know a story like that. somethings happened behind that kind of story. this stone face was a huge protection for himself that fell later that night as he wished for death. he almost lost sight of why he did it in the first place. but then he thought to himself. that he did it so she wouldnt feel any guilt for what he was making her do. what he slowly made her become. so when it started to happen again he knew it had to end and yet he couldnt find strength for it in the abandoned parking lot where it was his time to follow through on his word. so he knew he would just bring her down with him. so he thought he should break it off. but he knew he couldnt stay away from the girl he gave him reason and happiness. the girl thats the reason why he tries to be better every day. the girl that is the reason why he's going on his mission. because if he could leave and become a better person for her when he got back so she wouldnt feel any guilt because that situation would never happen again. but for now he knew he would be able to stay away. so he needed her to hate him. he needed her to not want anything to do with him. so told another girl he liked her. he could never follow through on pretending because he had no desire for this girl even this very second this girl effects him in no way. so he played his role and did what he had to. he let this girl provoke his love. the entire time in his head wanting to stop because he thought he could change for her. but the guilt always came back. so he kept his mouth shut. he told his love in a way to calm her down to call him later. he didnt answer. knowing that she would come over. he played his role perfectly by talking to the girl in front of his house when his love came. as soon as he saw the lights he knew he couldnt give him any reason to come back. none. so he kept his cold reserve while she begged him for some remorse and some reason. every part of his body was screaming out to fix it. to do whatever it took to just fix it. and then the guilt came back. he knew that without him she could have it all. the happiness without the guilt with someone else. so every night before he goes to bed his wishes for death for what he did. because he still believes he couldve changed. if it wasnt for his guilt he could've had his happily ever after. with her. his everything. but she's gone. and she's happy. which in the end is what he wanted. so why isnt he happy? didnt he get what he wanted? is he so selfish to ask for her back because as much as she said she needed him it was her that made his life perfect. what it truly was supposed to be. but he's willing to suck it up. to live with this empty shell of himself. until it eventually breaks him. because maybe one of these nights he can get what he has been wishing for before bed every night. he wont have to worry about get anymore because he wont be their to hurt her like he has been. he once had the key to her heart but had to give it back. and ended up breaking her heart in the process.. the joy that he once had every day with her is gone. and its all his fault. he has joy in nothing but memories...notes....pictures. but she need not worry about this because the statue that she broke away at was already dying from internal bleeding. and maybe someday soon. he can just let go. not of her. never of her. but of everything else. and that hard statue can lay somewhere forever with the writing on it of one of the fondest memories he has. 2 times more than you could ever love me.
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