And then you see why it happened.

The purple tones and rich red in the sky were completely breath taking tonight.
I am glad i have eyes to see the sunsets.

Sometimes in my life i get in little slumps of sadness and stupidity.
And i get stuck there.
And i think i have been sitting in one for a couple of weeks.

But I realized in the last couple of hours of these last couple of days that somethings in life are better left for the big guy to handle. And of course i knew that before, but im a "fixer" as some would say, and it gets to me when i cant fix the right here and now.

I cant fix everything, and not everything needs to be fixed.

I think that in life we need to have an instance where it all comes back, and you remember so clearly, just so you can know what to change, just so you can know what not to do... just to know why you stopped in the first place.

Isnt it interesting how so much good can come from something so not?

I think that sometimes in this life we need to be jolted alittle, we need a catalyst in our life to shake some sense into us, something to get us out of the rut, even though it may be scary or hard.

I am so glad for my amazing life that i have and all the blessings that surround me; friends that care so deeply they will listen to my nonsense histerical crying for hours. Family that will stop and recognize when i need to take a break, when i need to be alone.

As i have thought over the last 48 hours, i have realized some things; i need to improve myself even more than i am.. that its okay that i am weak, becuase i have strong things and people to support me when i fall... that everything is going work together eventually for good.

I think i needed what happened in these last 48 hours to happen.. so that i could take the time to remember, relive, to realize, re-evaluate, redo, repent, and remember again what i really need.

And to most of all remember that;

God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were ment to be.

And i really believe that.

(Restless Mind Syndrome)

Vacillating thoughts wrap around my brain tonight.

My eye lids droop to their favorite spot,

Yet even with the weight underneath them, sleep will not step in quite yet.

The pillows are fluffy and the bedspread soft.

Phyiscally fatigued... but im lost in thought.

Vulnerable to the life i have sitting in my tiny little hands..

My minds running a million miles a minute as i lay tonight.

RMS.

Piles of Daydreams

As the piles stack up i try not to let the frusteration build too...

So much to do in such a little time,

Where have the weeks gone?

help..

Where are you, can i meet you soon, or maybe next week.. down the road at my favorite bakery?

We could get a cupcake and share it. Sit across the table for two, and laugh. You could smile that beautiful smile and just make me forget my troubles for a moment...

We could go for a drive, and you could say that you love to hear my stories as you grab my hand and kiss the top of it. Ill be your princess if you please be my prince...

If you dont want a cupcake, or to drive around, we could go on a walk, those are always fun. I would grab your hand and we could wander around town.. take a mini adventure. I could bring my camera and take snap shots of you as you walk and wander with me. I could even bring my cute dog. We could let him off his leash and chase him around... then, being the brave and couragous man you are.. you would catch him and save him from the scary dog down the road.

But if you simply do not want to move, we could cuddle on the couch together and watch a movie. I would probably fall asleep next to you.. but before i drift off we could send silly text messges (you know just in case someone else were in the room actually wanting to watch the moive) to eachother while the movie plays... or not... and we could do it just cause its silly and we are silly together...

Oh somone.. I need to just stop this daydreaming.. you're not here and there is so much to do but

if you came... i promise i would try my best to be just as wonderful as you are to me, back to you... i would do everything in my power to make you happy... i promise... oh someone.. i miss you tonight.. i wish you could be here telling me that everything will work out all right.

Volte Face

When you just want to drop it and run...

Sprint until you are far from the familiar, and not so.

But everywhere you turn is a dead end.

Why must this power remain in my soul?

So sleepy from the circles ive spun

I just want my some day to come.

"Do not live in the future and never in the past.."

Combine those together and it's my days of recent last.

Present... but its not mine.

How can i free myself from the bonds that bind my beating breast?

So sick of the sounds that ive spat at the world.

I just want the world to be silent.

World, listen to my longing

Guide paths in the opposite direction of right now.

Far far away.

I dont want to hike up this hill anymore.

Tricks and tests i can take,

But i beg.

One way path please.

Let my little legs carry me far far away from the intersecting paths.

Im dizzy from the drowsy thoughts swirling around

Pull my feet down, free me from the fright that i have found.

Why must i hold on to the something my soul dispises?

let go..

What happened?

Things once known become things you now knew.

I cant control the creature anymore...

For its out grown the cage.

Set on something bigger and better...

I just want to take the first train

Watch the new settings in the window pain

And never get off...

Yet i want a destination, some stop to call home...

Confused at the inner pull of my megnetic heart.

Scream the sounds somewhere buired deep within.

Let go...

Let go...

Let go...

who that once was, now is not them.

Let it sit inside your sore self,

Hear the thoughts linger in your ears,

Ringing out truth and placing peace into the soul.

so very...

so very...

so very...

correct.

Now universe, and sun, and stars above..

Please.

Allow the little legs, that wish to work,

To take that little girl to... where her heart just took.

One path please.

Far far away from the familiar of the unfamiliar.

Slow dancin under your stary eyes

The strings of lights reflected in those brown pools as

Familiar lyrics and notes played in the backround.

I rested my head on that strong chest and looked out at the sunset;

the last glimps of blue sky brushed over by deep reds, oranges, and pinks.

It was a scene from a movie.

I listened to the heart i knew so well thump into my ear.

I listened to the soft notes you sung as you rested your chin on my head.

close my eyes.

Take it all in.

"im the luckiest girl in all the world."

Kisses showered my forehead.

I love you was softly, tenderly, meaningfully said.

Song after song we swayed this way.

So close.. held so tight.

Two best friends, celebrating what that day was for.

Not the sappy stuff,

but the true feelings shared;

Sharing that we each cared.

As the night progressed we sat at the table that had been set.

A candle lit dinner for two.

Flowers.

Laughter.

Smiles.

We held hands and watched the last of the sun go down.

Your jacket kept me warm, as so did the space heaters.

silence.

No need to speak.

Why break the perfect moment, the perfect feeling, the perfect night.

feel our fingers intertwined.

close my eyes.

Take it all in.

Never forget.. "im the luckiest girl in all the world."

Open my eyes to see you looking at me.

Smiling... not only with your mouth, but

With those brown eyes holding the candle light in them.

My smile.

The smile you only give to me.

I think differently of this day now.

today as the day progressed i remembered why it was okay i was "alone"

I remembered why i wanted to be single.

And why i didnt want any "Valentines"

Cause i want to wait for that.

I dont want any of the fake "i love you's" any more.

Having this day last year made up for this one single year and many more to come becuase,

I know that i only want the real stuff.

Valentines is a great day.

And i cant wait for this kind of thing once more.

The perfect excuse to just share.

Share that you each care.

I love that.

"two times more than you could ever love me..."

its too important to say the way its been

come into my world

your invited please come

let me feel the influence of your soul

have it power over me

wrap me up in those big strapping arms

encompous me in your smile

i want to put my head on your chest and just listen to it thump

hold me tight, dont let me go

let me into your world

i want you in mine

this world is beautiful, but with you by my side its magnificent

sweep me off my feet

indulge my thoughts until i cant sleep

make my cheeks hurt from making me smile

bring the cozy feeling too

the one i only feel when i am around you

listen to the words i speak

your invited please come,

i want you here by me

cause i miss you a ton

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words simply cannot describe how great of a day this was for me.

AHH it was better than anything!

Ten things that helped make this day one of the best ever.

One, Honey bunches of oats.

Two, had my flirt on today... hmm :) always fun.

Three, i love lacrosse - new girl, wowwwoo this year we are going to do well. So hopeful!

Four, i shaved at walmart.

Five, I have a great job - divas i love you.

Six, realized that in a mere 20 days i will turn that old age of 18. Whoa!

Seven, Also realized that in a 12 days im going to be in disney land. :)

Eight, My family, and friends are crazy amazing, i love them and they support me so much. What more could i ask for?!

And nine... drum roll please.....

ACCEPTED TO BYU HAWAII!!!

Im feeling on top of the world. I probably wont sleep well tonight, but who needs sleep really? My Goodness there is someone up there looking down on me showering me with blessings today. I hope he is smiling cause i cant stop. AHHHH such a good day!!!!!

Ps..number ten... :)

"5 years is nothing compared..."

Journal? Some times i open up and read what i have written from past events...

"He doesnt use a plate and he uses the SAME knife in the peanut butter and the jelly!!"

" I have honestly met my saving grace- a literal angel."

" I wouldnt say i love him quite yet because im afraid, but i hope that there is something in store for us because we just fit... he feels like home..."

" I have been praying for this answer for a long time"

" He just radiates."

" When i am with him... the world is a different place. I feel at peace."

" Do i looove him? I dont know... well, yes, actually i do, i love the person that he is. so.. well i guess i do.. i love him... huh... maybe im so in love that i am head over heels and just haven't realized that that is what this feeling is yet"

" Im really happy, in fact, i've never been this happy"

" alma 37:37.... jiwm..."

Journal? some times i open up and read what i have written from past events, sometimes i cry and i laugh and i wish and i feel feelings again... sometimes i realize what is happening and why... and i plan accordingly... but sometimes i wonder... Dec 26... i cant deny what i felt... i remember every detail... and the spot on the ceiling that i was looking at when it happened... so what now?... how do i find that...? and i think i have figured it out... cause nothing, nothing... has felt that way since...

Hold on baby girl walk with your head held high...

"five years is nothing compared..."

and this way...

i feel at peace...

everything will work out...

one way or another.